The Office Antics of Mitchestine!

Mitchestine is officially DUNZO!

2006-12-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

Today is a very sad day - I found out that Mitchell is leaving Calgary to live in BubbleTea Land (aka Vancouver BC) permanently. :( But I am also very proud of his accomplishments and wish him the best of of luck.

Although, we haven't been updating this blog in months we'll leave it as it is (perhaps you might get a surprise blog from Old Man Mitchell himself in Vancity).

Here are some pictures of fonder memories of Mitchestine:

BEST OF LUCK MITCHELL! - WE'LL MISS YOU!!

Miss Calgary Chinese - Calgary's Choice

2006-09-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

As most of you know 1/2 of Mitchestine is competing in this year's Miss Calgary Chinese Pageant sponsored by the Deerfoot Casino Inn.

How can you help? Well you can vote for Ern #9 by clicking on this website:

http://www.cuemagazine.ca/pictures/index.php

You need to register with your e-mail and off you go to Vote!

Pass this along to anyone you know! - VOTE VOTE VOTE!

Thanks so much guys =)

Love,

Mitchestine

P.S. For futher information about the Pageant click here: http://misscalgarychinese.com/

2006-08-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

Doesn't anyone like Peaches?

I sincerely do not want these tickets to be wasted as a result they're free! Yes, 2 free tickets to Peaches this Saturday night - August 12, 2006. Just contact me directly or leave me a comment.

Thanks,
Ern

2006-08-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have 2 tickets for sale for the Peaches concert this Saturday night August 12, 2006 7:00 p.m. at MacEwan Hall.

Unfortunately Mitchell and I won't be able to attend her concert :(

If you are interested, or knows anyone that is interested please contact us directly or leave us a comment!

I'm selling both tickets for 20.00CDN each.

Thanks!

2006-07-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry Bitches! Due to personal, confidential and undisclosed reasons Mitchestine is unable to update this week. However, keep checking back we might just squeeze in an entry!

Good Anh for now!

Words of the Week:

pro·bate - n.

The process of legally establishing the validity of a will before a judicial authority.

Judicial certification of the validity of a will.

An authenticated copy of a will so certified.

a·nus - n. pl. a·nus·es

The opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body.

Mitchell is crabbing everyone in Vancouver

2006-07-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hola Hola has Dora the Explorer would say. Happy Hump Day! Is it just me or does everyone get a little bit lazy on hump day? Although, how many of you out there actually get to hump someone on Wednesdays? Anyone?

What's new with Mitchestine

Mitchell is currently in Vancouver crabbing every cute mo that passes his sight. He is also going to try all the Bubble Tea Shops there and report back with a Due Diligence Memorandum. As a result, this blog entry will be all me me and me.

Ern has about 1297849724 mosquito bites. She has so many on her ankles they have turned into cankles. Does she have West Nile? Maybe but she hasn't washed her hand (or her kitty) ever since she touched Chris Carrabba's hand.

Lots and lots of Quotes!!

Jen: Should we go to U&ME?
Mitchell: What do you want to do me?

Ern: I saw Dashboard Confessional last night
Steve: Yellow Card?
Ern: Ugh

Ken: I was at Twisted on Friday
Ern: We went on Saturday night
Ken: I looked for that freaky photo shop boy (referring to Mitchell)
Ern: He is not freaky

Kirk: Nice jeans!
Ern: Thanks..
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "That is the nicest..."
Ern: No

Brent: How was your weekend?
Ern: Good, didn't do much
Brent: Yeah you never do
Ern: :(

Nick: Where are your cowboy boots?
Ern: I don't own a pair
NIck: WHAT?!??
Ern: Ugh

Kirk: How do you pronounce this? *pointing at a Vietnamese Pho restaurant menu*
Ern: Fuh
Kirk: I am pretty sure it's Foe no wait Foo
Ern: Ugh

Larry: What the eff? Didn't you get the memo?
Brent: What memo?
Larry: Uh..it's Stampede Week! Why are you wearing a suit?
Brent: It's comfortable, look how much room I have in my pants
Larry: No

Kirk: Are you going to the Stampede Party?
Ern: No, you're probably the 29184th person to ask me today
Kirk: Because Carrie isn't going?? You guys aren't joint at the hip
Ern: I like to think we are, she is my best friend at work
Kirk: What the eff? Is this elementary? Best friends...

20 minutes later

Kirk: I'm buying your ticket to the Stampede Party, now you have to come
Ern: No! Just give me the money
Kirk: So you can buy food?
Ern: :(

Kirk: I called the Vietnamese restaurant and the lady pronounced Foe not whatever you said
Ern: No she didn't! It's pronounced Fuh like F-U-H
Kirk: F-U?? I'm hurt :(

Ern: Oh I love your cowboy outfit today!
Brent: I know I look like Garth Brooks
Ern: Hehe
Brent: You're too young to know who he is
Kirk: Yeah what are you were you born? '89?
Ern: Yep!

Mitchell's Mom: Are you going out with Ern tonight?
Mitchell: Yes
Mitchell's Mom: Is her boyfriend in a gang?
Mitchell: Ugh
Mitchell's Mom: The gang called 'Dragon Boats'?

Non-Mitchestine Quote

This week's Non-Mitchestine quote comes from our good friend Christina. While she was talking to her friend Linda (who works at the mall) on MSN here's what happened:

Linda: A Native just came in the store, I have to go now. *signs offline*
Christina: ....

Question of the Day: What exactly is tape worm?

Safe to Eat and Not to be Wasted

Wikipedia's Definition of Tape Worm: In biology, Cestoda is the class of parasitic flatworms, called tapeworms, that live in the digestive tracts of vertebrates as adults and often in the bodies of various animals as juveniles. In a tapeworm infection, adults absorb food predigested by the host, so the worms have no need for a digestive tract or a mouth. Large tapeworms are made almost entirely of reproductive structures with a small "head" for attachment. Symptoms vary widely, depending on the species causing the infection. Symptoms may include upper abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, and loss of appetite. However, infestations are usually asymptomatic. Worm segments or eggs may be found in the stool of an infected person.

CAUTION: ANOTHER REALLY GROSS PICTURE BELOW.

Be careful the next time you stuff your face Pho or any type of noodle soup!

Gossip!

Now that Big Brother All Star has started I have something to look forward to on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturday nights. I love everyone on this summer's Big Brother! People I'm cheering for:

- Kaysar
- Janelle; and
- Marcellas.

I was very sexually attracted to Dr. Will in the second season but he's gotten way too cocky this season. Also is it just me or did he get a lot of work done to his face? He looks like a completely different person..well yes he's clearly Chubs Galore right now but I can't seem to put my finger on what exactly is different.

I also love Rockstar Supernova. I don't like the group SuperNova (ugh what an awful name) because they are all old has been farts! Ugh. Seriously how old are they? Rockstars I'm cheering for:

- Magni; and
- Dilana

The Hills is getting so interesting! I love how Heidi dropped out of school to stuff envelopes aka her 'Dream Job'! When I say I 'love' I mean I feel really sorry for her because she will lose her looks in 5 years and have nothing. Big Boo to LC for calling Jason Mc Don'tShave back! They make such an awkward couple. Why is she even with him? He's nasty. Adrianna looks freakishly similar to Tiffany Amber Theissen "Who's That?" you ask well she was skinny on Save By the Bell and then slutty on Beverly Hills 90210.

Oh Thanks to Christina for informing Mitchestine that Nasty Mc Alex from Laguna is dating Nick Carter! What the eff is exactly what we were thinking.

In addition Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy are a couple..? Very random.

This Week's Eff You

- The rain which lead to hail
- Mosquito Bites
- Tacky Stampede outfits
- Men that have a sick fetish with women underwear
- Fake fur
- Vaseline
- People that don't wipe down their bench at the gym

That's all from me bitches! Enjoy the rest of Stampede Week! Try get to someone/anyone to stick it in as much as possible! Seacrest Out!

P.S. Mitchell will be back Sunday night there is no guarantee if there will be an update then so just suck it up.

Stampede Time!

2006-07-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Jo San! Nai ho mah! Yes, it's Stampede Time here in Calgary, and that means that all of the Asian readers of Mitchestine should be there today! Why? It's Family Day, which means free admission AND food!

Here are some fun Stampede Facts:
-Each year, approximately 1,844,286 Mini Donuts are consumed
-The Stampede Casino needs nearly six tons of coins to open and operate
-Harry the Horse Mascot wears size 38.5 shoes (and has a 72' kitty)

What's New With Mitchestine?
I have had an effing cold for two weeks and I still can't shake it. I think the only recipe for that is more bubble tea.

Ern has been very busy this past week. She's been having her portrait painted, and has spent the entire time sitting very still and holding her puppy Boss.

Innapropriate Humor of the Week
Mitchestine reader Christina was nice enough to share her wisdom of disgusting sexual deeds during the last Mitchestine/Triple Threat date. The highlight of her enlightened teachings was the "Pink Sock". It is out of sheer and morbid horror that I pass on this information to the rest of the readers, but if you would like to find out more about the "Pink Sock", click here. An even better idea, however, is to not click the link. Just don't.

Cute Atticus Picture of the Week!

Aww, cutest dog ever.

Twisted Night!
Mitchestine and Quannifer made a cameo at Twisted Element this weekend.

For those of you who have never been to Twisted before, there are some important Rules of Conduct:

1- There is the same washroom for boys and girls
2- Creepy old mo's will come to the bar alone and try and dance with you. Do not make eye contact
3- Watch out for cracked out mo's that will try to sell you drugs... or buy drugs from you
4- When drag queens are dressed up, they are referred to as "She". When they are not in drag, they are "He's".
5- Dim Sum at U&ME is mandatory afterwards

Goodnight!

Dashboard Confessional - June 7, 2006 at Jack Singer

2006-07-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

Jo San Fatties!

Let me give you guys the fat man scoop on last night's amazing concert. As many of you know Dashboard Confessional is one of my all time emo-slit-your-wrist band! I've been waiting to see them ever since I got their tickets (couple months ago) and you have no idea how psyched I was! Kitty and I arrived at roughly 7:15 and John Ralston was already performing (very odd...). We've never heard of him before but it doesn't matter because he was just okay. Immediately following Dallas Green aka City and Color did a few songs. He was really great! I'm honestly not a big fan of Green or his "Save Your Scissors" BS but his voice last night was amazing. Just when you thought Dashboard was emo..no you are wrong.

Finally! Dashboard came on stage at roughly 8:30. They prepared such an awesome set! It had an Asian theme with colourful lanterns everywhere. I'm so glad they did a lot of their old stuff because their new CD is just okay. Ugh.

Here's a list of the songs performed last night:

-Heaven Here
-Rooftops and Invitations
-The Good Fight
-Turpentine Chaser
-Places you have come
-Swiss Army Romance
-The Secret's In The Telling
-Ghost of a Good Thing
-So Long, So Long
-For you to Notice
-The Best Deceptions
-Dusk and Summer
-Rapid Hope Loss
-Screaming Infidelities
-Remember to breathe (extended)
-Don't Wait

Encore:

-Vindicated
-Hands Down

Unfortunately, I did not bring a camera last night. Although, I'm not sure how they would have turned out b/c I was too close to the stage (second row). And FatsGalore was blocking my view majority of the night because he was right in front of me. Anyway, here are some pictures from someone that did manage to sneak in their camera!

DC Quotes

Kitty: When are they going to play Vindicated?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: Wow you're really into this
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: How do you know every song?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: When are they going to play As Lovers Go?
Ern: Ugh

Ern: I need to somehow get on that stage
Kitty: Ugh

P.S. I touched Chris Carrabba's Hand!

Sneak a Peek Peek!

2006-07-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Jo effing Sanjo Fatties!

Happy Hump La Thursday Day everyone! This week is a short week and as a result this will be a short post. Today is the first official day of Stampede!! Well technically it's Sneak a Peek day..but here's a YEEHAW from Mitchestine!

What's new with Mitchestine?

Not much, not much at all.

Mitchestine will be making a special appearance this Saturday night at Twisted! We will also be bringing along some special guests. Everyone come party with us!

Quotes

Kirk: It's my Birthday!
Ern: No it's not
Kirk: Yes it is!
Ern: Nope I diarised it! *looks at calendar* OMG it is! Happy Birthday...

Mitchell: *coughing*
Keith: What's up Coughy McPhlegmbag?
Mitchell: Gross.

Kirk: I appreciate you *hands over can of OJ*
Ern: Ugh.

Christina: *drops her BBT on the floor*
Everyone: *gasps* OMG...

Ern: They paged you like 10 times today
Carrie: I know! Everyone wants me. I feel like the Company's whore.

Kirk: *whistles* I am not whistling AT you, I'm just whistling.
Ern: Ugh I know.
Kirk: Because that would be Sexual Harassment
Ern: Yeah I get it.

Fred: Do you want to buy a ticket to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No

Caren: Ern, are you going to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No, are you?
Caren: Bitch, please.

Ern: How long is your conference next week?
Mitchell: Oh it's very long...very long. So long. Maybe you will get to see it one day.
Ern: No

Onar: What are you drinking?
Ern: Singapore Sling
Onar: Don't you get that every time?
Ern: Um, yes. Although, this is the second time we've ever met.

Jay: I saw a homeless person jacking off next to the Mary Brown's head office

Amar: My Geisha!
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Jay: Ern, are you tight?

Theresa: Does Mitchell have a girlfriend yet?

Jay: I think a Lotus is a symbol of the trans-gender community.
Justin: Isn't a Lotus an insect? ...no wait that's a locust.

Niggar: *whips out her boob to show her new nipple ring*
Mitchell: :-O

Justin: Ern, are you Japanese?
Jay: Aren't you Korean?
Mitchell: No one really knows

Top5

Ern's Top5 favourite BBT drinks:

5. Taro
4. Strawberry and Papaya
3. Watermelon
2. Strawberry and Mango
1. Strawberry and Pineapple

This Week's Eff You

- Sweating on the C-train
- The Price of Stampede Ride Tickets
- Mosquito bites
- Trashy highlights
- Asslee Simpson

Ask Mitchestine!

This week's Anonymous Ask Mitchestine comes from someone that is currently constipated. However, We have a idea who it is (Karen G.? No wait that was too obvious..Malaysian Mangler?)

Dear Mitchestine,

I am interested in trying a detox this month. Any recommendations?

- Poo Poo

Dear Poo Poo,

Ugh.

Where do I start? Ironically I had a conversation about detoxes in a conference e-mail with some bitches earlier this week. Quasi-Chiropractors recommends that every one should detox once a year when they turn 18 and three times a year when they turn 39.

What exactly is a Detox?

Wikipedia defines detoxing as:

Detox, short for detoxification, in general is the removal of toxic substances from the body. It is one of the functions of the liver and kidneys, but can also be achieved artificially by techniques such as dialysis and (in a very limited number of cases) chelation therapy.

I've tried a few detoxes in my years and the best are the ones that make you poo 20 times a day. The last detox I did I pooed out a lady bug her name is Sheila.

Love,

Mitchestine

On a sad note, our good friend Lady A is off to Montreal. He will be working in a French factory making red barrettes for 14 hours a day. In return he will be allowed to eat all the french bread in the world. We miss already.

That's all from me btiches!! It's apparently hailing outside so stay dry! Have a wonderful Stampede Weekend!

AHH

2006-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Karen says: UPDATE BIZNATCHY!!
Ern says: I'm sorry I just got home
Ern says: I won't update until tomorrow
Karen says: AHHHHHHH
Karen says: why are we friends?

Yes Karen, Why are we friends...?

Sorry bitches no update for Wednesday because it's a short week and I had to stay effing over time! Come back tomorrow!

Rocket in my Pocket

2006-07-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hi hi! It has been eleven years since I last had an update... indeed work has taken precendence over Mitchestine, which is horrible and wrong. As an act of pennance, I've taken the liberty of eating one whole pinecone. And not one of those soft crunchy ones... a hard pokey one. That's right, I do care.

What's new with Mitchestine?

Ern still has bronchitis, which has been further aggrivated by her singing her heart out to the new Dashboard CD. Ern spent the long weekend pushing the dim sum cart at her Family's restaurant in China Town.

I have also contracted some sort of hybrid disease which has caused me to competely loose my voice. I can't even yell at Julie for gabbing on the phone all day with her boyfriend. I'm also off to the Bubble Tea Capital of Canada (Vancouver) in a week for a conference. I've been training really hard in preparation of consuming vasts amounts of coconut jelly.

Quote(s)

*talking about dim sum*
Theresa: It's really hot and it cmoes out fast, but I know you're really good at eating fast.
Ern: That's what he said.

Ern: Do you know how to use chopsticks?
Mitchell: ...

Ask Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

I hear that green apples make a nice decorative touch in minimalistic spaces. I like this idea, but I'm worried that it is wasteful. What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Environmentally Stylish

***

Dear Environmentally Stylish,

Ugh.

Warm Regards,
Mitchestine

What is Mitchestine Reading??

Mitchestine is often approached for literary advice and recommendations. As everyone knows, Mitchestine doesn't like to be bothered, so we've decided to add this new section.

Mitch...

The Alchemist is about a boy on a journey to discover his "Personal Legend". It's full of deep thought and profound artsiness, and just a smidgen of homoerotic undertones. Final Verdict: It will change your life.

...estine

Kimora Lee Simmons is arguably the most fabulous being that ever existed. She's also giving Star Jones-Reynolds a run for the title of most plastic surgerized ethnic celebrity. This book is a play by play on how to climb the mountain of fabulosity and ejaculate all over the world. Final Verdict: You're not fabulous enough to even pick this book off the shelf.

Eff You!

What kind of Mitchestine post wouldn't have just a lil' bit of anxst?

Eff to Pastel's Cafe in the Chinook Food Court. My Bubble Tea there was $6.50 and it tasted like an Orange Julius.

And a HUGE Eff to the ridiculous mosquito situation in Calgary. Nothing gives me more pleasure then hearing them splat on my windshield. Effers.

And finally, many birthday wishes go out to Jen, who celebrated her 62nd Birthday Pub Crawl this Saturday! Ole Ole Ole!

Happy Canada Day!

2006-07-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Due to the long weekend, the Sunday post will be postponed to Monday, July 2, 2006.

Highlights of tomorrow's post will include:

- Jen's Birthday Party
- What is Mitchestine Reading?
- Movie clips of Jake Gyllenhaal masturbating

...and so much more!

Happy Canada Day everyone!!

Today's High: 32 Effing Degrees!

2006-06-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Hump La Mump day everyone! Can you believe this weather? I absolutely love it! This week's weather makes up for all the BS rain we got last week!

As most of you know, Mitchell is in charge of Sunday's blog and I (Ern) is in charge of Wednesday's blog. Because there wasn't an update last Sunday I understand that most of you are upset but that's life.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Ern has bronchitis...again.

I haven't spoken to Mitchell in days :( I have no idea what's new with him. The last I heard he was at some lame Golf Tournament..or something about being tied up in Simone's basement. As a result, this week's blog is all about Ern and Ern.

Quotes

Brent: Lord have mercy, what is that smell?
Ern: Cuticle cream

Ern: Good Morning!
Kirk: Morning big rims
Ern: Excuse me?
Kirk: The rims on your sunglasses...they're huge.
Ern: I like it

Brent: Is that duck?
Ern: Nope chicken
Brent: I'm pretty sure it's duck

*Ern showing Tee how to do dead lifts*

Ern: Stick your butt out more
Tee: Hehe okay *blushes like a tomato*

Brent: Good work!
Ern: Thanks! That's the nicest thing you've ever said me
Brent: WTF? It is? I take it back
Ern: :(

Lisa: How do you get your teeth so white?
Ern: Hehe that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Lisa: Uh..that wasn't really a comment more like a question
Ern: Let's not get technical

Freak in the elevator: Sorry
Ern: For what?
Freak: Interrupting your ride
Ern: Uh...that's okay
Freak: What's your name?
Ern: No

Ask Mitchestine

This Week's Ask Mitchestine comes from last week's blog reader/commenter.

So Mitchestine....I'd like to ask a question. I was listening to Cypress Hill...and he was singing about getting high...he got an ounce through the mail.....now this is my question. How do you get an ounce through the mail??????

Sincerely yours,
Waiting patiently for an answer

Dear Patiently Waiting,

Well first of all who still listens to Cypress Hill? Are we living in 1996? No.

Ironically the same day I received your question there was a huge pill sitting on my desk. I would proudly say that this mysterious pill was about a gram. I recall requesting 2.5 grams but sometimes you have to compromise with the Vendor, you don't always get what you want. Now from experience, I know the Canada Post does not deal with the delivery of intoxicated drugs. So my suggestion is that you get some a mule to suck it in (carefully wrapped in a condom of course) and then poo it out when they reach to the North East!

I've taken initiative to ask our Drug Expert at Mitchestine, we'll call him Kitty and this is his response:

1/8 ounce is roughly 2.5 grams.
1/8 ounce of cocaine is often referred to as an eight-ball.

This Week's Eff You

This week's Eff You goes to the FREAK that's been leaving comments on our blog pretending to be Mitchell and/or Mitchestine.

Any true Mitchestine reader knows that we will never comment on our own blog.

Another Eff You goes towards MySpace.com. I'm not sure why everyone has an obsession with this site. I was signing up to win some DC crap on their website and one of their prizes were to get a chance to be on their MySpace TOP 8 friends?!? Ugh.

Gossip Mossip

I know for a fact that Peaches is huge in UK. However, I'm not sure if Calgarians even know who she is. No we are not talking about the fruit. Anyway, Peaches herself is coming to Calgary! YAY her show is apparently 18+ because her lyrics are very vulgar and she enjoys singing about sex. For example:

Suckin' on my kitties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

*Please note that I've replaced a very NSFW word with the word 'kitties'.

Dashboard Confessional's new CD came out yesterday! I sneaked out of work at 10 a.m. like a little Asian rat to buy the new album at HMV. I love all the songs but why is the whole album only 40 mins? Chris you are way to emo to only have 40 mins of music. I strongly recommend Dusk & Summer to anyone that enjoys the summer and slitting their wrist.

Do I like the show The Hills? Maybe. I haven't fully decided yet. The Hills isn't what I expected..it's very different from Laguna Beach. I know for a fact that The Hills is scripted..come on! How odd of TeenVogue to let camera crews into their corporation without the guarantee of hiring LC? How are the cameras allowed everywhere? I'm certain there is a Privacy Protection Act that infringes on this madness. I personally will never go to a club if there's a camera there. No thanks.

Samuel L. Jackson;
Terri Hatcher; and
Josh Hartnett.

are all currently in Calgary!

They are staying at the Sheraton Eau Claire downtown!

More Chuck effing Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.

It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

This week's Happy Birthday goes out to 1/2 of Quaniffer...guess which one it is.

It's Jen...
Happy Birthday!

Okay that's all from me bitches! Until Sunday (or whenever they free Mitchell from the basement).

P.S. Don't forget to watch The Hills and Criss Angel - Mind Freak tonight on A&E

Karen says: I hard it's a Typhoon right now

2006-06-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

** UPDATE

After a lot of hustling and sticking it in Mitchestine managed to get a pair of Mariah Carey tickets! We have the pre-sale password, big THANK YOU to Jen and her spirit fingers! We will gladly sell you the 'password' for 5.00 USD...per letter.

Wow majority of this blog's comments are about me forgetting a bunch of quotes. So here you go bitches!

Steve: Is Jamal a girl?

Ern: I heard sperm is good for your skin if you have eczema
Jen: Pew Pew!
Mitchell and Steve:.......

Tee: Yeah Scott's a rapper
Ern: What does he rap about? Bubbletea?

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are DUNZO!

Please please save Britney Justin! Let's reminisce...

Jo effing San Hoes and Bitches!

Today is the first official day of summer! Although, it clearly doesn't feel like summer because it's hailing outside!

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell called me on Monday morning at 8:30am with a girly squeal. I knew exactly what he wanted..tickets to see Miss Mariah Mimi Effing Carey! Oh my, you guys have no idea how excited the Mitchestine are that she's coming to town! The pre-sale is tomorrow morning at 10ish and if you happen to have the password please let us know! We would be forever grateful! We might even let you stick it in....

Last night we had a fun double date with Quannifer (aka Steve and Jen). We were at Fiore and there was a beautiful wedding going on...was it staged? Who cares! Here are some super cute pictures of us!

Also, we found out Michael Kors has speakerphone! Oops..if you heard "stick it in" more than once from an SUV in the NE yes that was Mitchestine and Jay.

Quotes

*Mitchell's Blackberry vibrates for the 9217397 time*
Ern and Quaniffer: Ugh.

Kitty: How's Mitchell?
Ern: Good, he got BBT for his Assistant. It was her first time and she hated it!
Kitty: Is she racist? Maybe he should've told her it was from Jugo Juice
Ern: You're racist

*Ern filling up her 2.2L water bottle*
Random guy in the lunch room: Deepak Chopra says drinking too much water is bad for you
Ern: Ugh.

Karen: Who the eff is Deepak Chopra?
Ern: Ugh. I don't know where to start to explain who Mr. Chopra is
Karen: I thought Deepak was a woman
Ern: Ugh.

Kelli: I tried BBT for the first time!
Ern: Oh great! Where?
Kelli: Bubblemania..it was gross.
Ern: Oh? Yeah that place is kinda gross and sketchy
Kelli: Why was there a pirate there?
Ern: Oh why not?

Brent: Hey woman, hook it up
Ern: Don't ever call me woman!

Fobby Guy at the gym: Can I work in between sets with you guys?
Ern: No, we'll be about ten minutes
Fobster: Wow!

Ern: Who's She-Ra?
Scott: Ugh.

Carrie: Do you want to have lunch with me and Lily Nguyen today?
Ern: No thanks, I don't even know her
Carrie: What? She's Asian! You guys probably have a lot to talk about!
Ern: You're racist

*Caren looking at the Oriental Phoenix menu*
Caren: What the eff? $10 for Vermicelli and some chicken? Damn, someone should have told me it was going to be so expensive! I could have stuffed a chicken my purse.

This Week's Eff You

- The rain
- People that don't cover their mouth while they cough/sneeze
- Men that ask to work 'in between sets' with you at the gym
- Ern's Lulu top because it turns on her headlights without notice..um fog lights
- Not winning The Devil Wears Prada movie tickets :(

Chuck Effing Norris!

Last night Quaniffer told Mitchestine about Chuck Norris. Who is this Chuck Norris? Who cares! Here are 22 Random Facts I bet you didn't know about him!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Mitchestine Presents....

The EquAzn - http://www.theequazn.com/

At Mitchestine we strongly support starving artists in Calgary. Although, this artist isn't necessary starving, he does enjoy free styling about his feelings. We met Scotty Mc Beam through an accidental conference e-mail and he's quite a talented young man. Not only does he hate slutty girls at the gym he enjoys red bean slush. Check him out! Mr. Lee will be playing at the Amsterdam Rhino this Friday June 23, 2006.

That's all for now! Stay dry everyone!

Happy Fathers Day!

2006-06-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Chingaling Reunion
Initial Response re: Fortune Cats
Reasearch in Motion - Outstanding Invoices

Nai Ho Ma!! Happy Fathers Day! (to all of our readers who have legitimate Fathers, of course). Even though it is one of the most beautiful days outside in recent Calgary history, I'm holed up in my room faithfully toiling away at my keyboard! Mitchestine = Love and Committment!

Effing Blogspot is not loading pictures again, so tonights post will be only text! That's right, you can feel

What's New With Mitchestine?
On Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a Double Date with readers Jen and Steve! Indian food!

Ern unfortunately suffered an embarrassing fall in the Bankers Hall +15! Although perhaps the funniest story I have heard in a long time, Ern suffered minor injuries... to her umbrella (which she tried to use to get back up, even though it was a cheap Hello Kitty China Town creation).

Mitchell is trying to figure out what his newest hair style is going to be, and has narrowed it down to the following options. Please submits your votes for:

So due to a hectic work week (and by hectic I mean too many conference emails with Triple Threat), there are sadly very few Quotes for this unfortunate post:

Mitchell tried to introduce Bubble Tea to Julie... it didn't go over well:
Mitchell: What do you think?
Julie: ...thank you for the experience?
Mitchell: You're fired.

Ern (in an email to Mitchell): Can you please me when you get to Banker's Hall?
(I think she meant please call me)

Christina: What happens to a Chinese man when he get's a boner and runs into a wall? He hits his nose.
Everyone: ...

Speaking of Christina, the lovely lady is departing today for CALIFORNIA! She is going there to find herself... and also research how the California Roll was created.

This ridiculous ad was on Perez Hilton today... seriously.

Finally, a very serious Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My Dad caught me online reading your blog, and then grounded me because he said you were the devil. Is this true?

Yours Truly,
Grounded in Greenland

***

Dear Grounded in Greenland,

Rumors have been flying ever since Mitchestine made it big. It's only natural for people to talk about what they love, and the more people talk, the faster the rumor mill churns.

Mitchestine is actually a devout Kabbalist, a religion which has no "Devil". In the rough neigbourhood that Mitchestine lives, to place a "666" over one's doorway. This has no religious affinity, but rather symbolizes the highest grade children in the North East, on average, will statistically reach. Although this is often confused with the Satanic Number, it is simply a sign of neutral gang affiliation.

In closing, your Dad knows too much for his own good.

Most Sincerely,
Mitchestine

That's all! Don't forget to buy the new Nelly Furtado CD tomorrow!

Pink Sock

2006-06-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
PAP Test;
Memorandum re: Pochacco Fung Ky Financing; and
District Service Lines for Expense Coding.

Hello, Jo san, Jojo, Nei How Ma, Wei Wei, Ho ho, Aloha and Ai Ya everyone! Happy hump day Wednesday. Wow is it just me or is this week going by really slow? Does anyone else feel like munching on their wrist?

I understand everyone is still upset because of the lack of posts last week..but that's life. Which leads me to this week's proverb: To Feen is to Need.

What's new with Mitchestine?

Mitchell might be going camping this weekend and Ern will attempt to cut her own hair after eating some chips and salsa. Oh how do you know when you have Pink Eye?

Mitchestine had a date with the Triple Threats and we had a splendid time. We also learned a bunch of dirty positions that involve punching and blood ie: Pink Sock, Dirty Sanchez, Tony Danza and etc. Also, If you ladies didn't notice we sneaked in a few 'extreme petting' somewhere in between the curry and the Dirty Sanchez jokes. Yes, you guys are all currently carrying Mitchestine's child.

Quotes

Waiter: Does everyone know what they want to drink? How about an expensive bottle of wine?
Mitchell: *giggling* No, everyone here is Asian
Waiter:....

*Waiter puts Karen's plate down*
Karen: I'm going to eat this in 10 seconds

Christina: *snorting*

Cunty Mc Pearls: *Throws Mitchell's drink down*
Mitchell: Thank you very much!
Cunty Mc Pears: Yeah.

Christina: Have you guys heard of the Rotisserie?
Ern: Is that when the guy takes the girl to Swiss Chalet after and say 'Thank You'?

Karen: Don't put too much in your mouth at once or you will want to spit it out (referring to the white tapioca pearls in her fruit cup)
Mitchell: That's what he said!

Ern: Did you have fun tonight?
Mitchell: Yes, I felt like a pimp with all you Asian girls. No wait a tour guide.

Julie: That Mitchell was good letter.
Mitchell:....
Julie: Did I just mix up the words Mitchell and letter?

Kirk: Did you hear the thunder last night?
Ern: Yes! It was scary
Kirk: Ugh you're such a girl *walks away*
Ern: I hate you
Kirk: What?
Ern: Nothing!

*Ern stuffing a salmon sashimi in her mouth*
Brent: Yeah that's attractive

Julie: I don't like it (referring to her very first bubble tea drink)
Mitchell: You're fired!

Scott: Britney's having another baby?!?!
Everyone: Ugh.

Ern: Will you please me at Banker's Hall? (forgetting the word 'meet')
Mitchell: No...

Ern: I hate that jacket, I'm not going to burn it down!
Kitty: I love it! It's warm and soft!
Ern: That's what he said!
Kitty: Ugh. Those jokes aren't funny to me
Ern: :(

What's Emo? (not to be confused with an Emu)

We tend use the word emo just as much as we use the word kitty in this blog. I'm sure everyone has their own definition of emo but to truly determine how emo you are simply take this lame online quiz! Here's a sample of a couple emo questions from the quiz.

At Mitchestine we are quite notorious for smashing hearts to the ground. *Insert Britney's 'Oops I did it again'*

Please feel free to take this fun emo quiz and tell us how emo you are in our comment section! http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=5aff31b8-1734-4839-ad53-52b636ffb8db

Here's another good example of Emo:

Gossip Mossip

I haven't heard one good thing about CNTM except for Mitchell sticking it in Dawn's (the only Calgarian girl that got voted off) little sister. I like to cheer for the under dog and in this season's episode it's clearly the Asian girl. But what is up with the nasty white Barret?

Ugh.

I absolutely love Laguna Beach! I know that there are a lot of Mitchestine/Laguna fans out there, and I'm sure you guys are wondering the exact same thing:

- Why are girls attracted to Jason?
- How are Jessica's boob so damn big?
- Hehe Dieter? Come on!

Anyway, I really enjoy this show and there is no way that this it can all 'real'. It has to be scripted, there is way too much drama on this damn beach! These kids have no idea how lucky they are to live right by the ocean instead they eff around with boys in every episode.

TEAM Kristen! I love her and everything about her. She makes me question my sexuality.

Super Cute Picture of the Week!

Top 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern say "Ugh" in the morning:

- People saying "wow you drink a lot of water" while filling up my 2.2L water bottle.
- The smell of boiled and/or microwaved eggs
- People that simply say 'good' or 'fine' when you ask how they are. I don't really give a damn how you are, but you should ask me back.
- Thanks - what the hell is 'Thanks'?? Say Thank You.
- Any type of racist implied comments.

Good v. Bad Comments

We still aren't 100% sure who left the comment above. However, there has been weird things that happened throughout the week. For example:

- Anonymous Person A calls Mitchell with a creepy voice asking "Why isn't the blog updated?"; and
- Anonymous Person B e-mails Ern and Mitchell stating "someone's gonna die if the blog isn't updated".

Will this anonymous person please step forward?

Mitchell's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, say "Meh" and carry on.

Ern's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, Stick It In.

Don't forget to watch Britney's break down tomorrow night (Thursday) everyone!

Have a super weekend, I think there's a full moon out so try to stick it in as much as possible and don't forget to take your no baby pills!

Until Sunday Bitches!

THE POST IS READY!! (Sorry for the effy HTML)

2006-06-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Initial Public Offering - eBay Inc
Hello Kitty Finance of June/06
Month End Finance Documentation

Happy Sunday Post Mitchestine Readers! Our sincere apologies go out again to all of our faithful readers for the ship-shod postings of late, please know that Mitchestine is back in full swing with Wednesday and Sunday posts. Again, due to the recent problems with Blogspot.com, we have had to go to drastic measures to get these posts to you.

What's new with Mitchestine?
This Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a date with some very lucky Mitchestine Readers (you know who you are). On the agenda: Indian Food, Bubble Tea and heavy petting!

On Sunday, I was enjoying a leisurely brunch at the Hyatt Hotel with a good friend, when we decided to head over to Stephen Avenue and TD. Unbeknownst to us, we walked smack dab into the middle of Calgary's Gay Pride parade. Although it's no secret that I'm a big 'mo, I'm definitely not the kind of 'mo that would participate in any way in a Pride Parade. It was terrible and we were pelsted with condoms being thrown out by half naked men dancing on a rainbow float to the techno remix of the Brokeback Mountain Themesong. Ugh.

As Ern mentioned last week, valued Mitchestine reader Chrissy (one of the original readers, she has been dubbed Chrisistine) was visiting Calgary from her hometown of Victoria. We'd like to share these pictures from her visit:

Oh no! She just about dropped Sean Preston!

Ern's boyfriend (Kitty) has been shipped off to some obscure town in Alberta for work. This means Ern is alone, vulnerable, and currently accepting offers!!

If you think you have what it takes to entertain this lovely lady, please forward a three page essay all about how pretty Ern is. Please send your submissions to:

Quotes!

Tiny E: (walking by my office, the door was open): Are you eating again?
Mitchell: Yes, and what business of that is yours?
Tiny E: If you worked in a restaurant you would be so fat.
Mitchell: Please leave.

*Drinking water*
Brent: You know how Crystal drinks water?
Ern: Ugh, I don't care.
Brent: She has a water bottle and pours it into a glass and blah blah blah
Ern: I'm not Crystal...
Brent: Eff just get a glass!
Ern: *continues drinking water*

Kirk: Is that my stuff?
Ern: Nope, it's for another lawyer
Krik: Why are you doing their stuff?
Ern: Meh, why not?
Kirk: You are a good person Ernestine.
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Kirk: Nope, that's a lie. I say nice things to you every day 24/7.

*while purchasing dinner for one at a gas station in Thunder Bay*
Jay: Do you have a bag for that?
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: We usually don't do that, but you seem like a nice guy.
Jay: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: This is the first time I've ever met you.

Kitty: I like this area but I heard it's haunted.
Ern: What area are we in? Is this Mission?
Kitty: Ugh, we're in Bridgeland. This is where Karen lives.
Ern: Oh yes I recognize that Starbucks, that's where Faggy McStarbucks works.
Kitty: Who or what is Faggy McStarbucks?
Ern: :)

*in perhaps the most awkward moment ever between Jay, his boyfriend and I*
Jay: Have you seen how white Mitchell's teeth are?
Jon: *in his signature I-hate-you-and-wish-you-would-just-die tone* Wow...
Mitchell: ...
Jay: ...
Jon: ...

Mitchestine Reader Karen writes in with this helpful tidbit of information on how to keep busy at the office:

"I just wanted to let everyone know that when I used to work at Fortis I would get really sleepy and I would go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and go to sleep. And if someone was occupying that toilet or if it smelled like poo I'd go to the fourth floor because they had nice smelling soap. Maximum time 5 minutes."

Cute Picture of the Week
Yes, although this is completely random, this photo opportunity just presented itself and I had to share it with you all. This is my dog Atticus, who has just decided to help me update Mitchestine (you can see it on my screen in the background).

Today's EFF You:
My big EFF You goes to Officer Lee, who caught me speeding while driving my sister's car (while Michael Kors was in the shop) on my way to Ern's Birthday Party.

I was going eleven over the limit you ass.

As well, Mitchestine would like to send out one last EFF You to the Anonymous Commenter who wrote this on last weeks Wednesday Post:

Jo San, bitch. About time there was an update. Next time the threats will be in blood.
Thursday, June 08, 2006 10:23:09AM

Mitchestine is all about the love, okay bitches? We only want LOVE in the comments.

Finally, a Shoutout to Mitchestine reader Jay, wh has been shpiped out to Thunder Bay for work, and has sent us pictures of his prison-like hotel room:

BLOGSPOT STILL DOWN!!

2006-06-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

JO SAN EVERYONE... BLOGSPOT IS STILL DOWN... I again apologize, and insist that Mitchestine is not being lazy. I spent all afternoon yesterday on a good post, I just can't freaking upload it!! I will persist throughout the day, in the meantime you can enjoy this article written by Mitchestine Reader Melinda. (at Ern's reccommendation, read this twice, it will be funnier the second time around). Enjoy, and thank you for your patience!

***

Jo San, faithful readers. I trust you're all doing well. It occurs to me that some of you might have been offended by my previous piece. Some of you might even think that I'm some sort of racist or culturalist.

My dears, they're both wrong. I don't hate Edmontonians or Northeasterners anymore than I hate any other people. The human population in general holds my disdain. It's not for lack of intelligence or mob mentality or anything else that most people will tell you they hate the human race for. I hate humans because as a species we are not the genetically superior beings on this planet, let alone the galaxy.

I bring to your attention the show Third Rock From The Sun. Quaint name that implies Earth, in it's description of position. In the first episode of this show, Tommy, Dick, Harry, and Sally are sitting in the kitchen, discussing the short comings of their bodies. It turns out that not one of their heads can move in a 360° motion, how are they to clean their backs? Aliens, as many are already aware, are genetically superior. How do we know this? Forget all the intergalactic travel that they have accomplished, they are able to clean their backs with their tongues.

Possession by demons can also create genetic superiority in humans as was displayed in an amusing film known as The Exorcist. Only while Reagan was posessed was she able to spin her head in a fashion that would have allowed to her cleanse her own back. Cleansing of one's own back with their tongue is the mark of genetic superiority?

I can hear some of you asking this, and the answer is yes. It is for this reason that I propose new Supreme Overlords for the planet. But who, you ask, can clean their back with their tongue? Nobody can do that, and I've seen some sick shit on the internet. You're right, nobody can do that. At least not any humans.

Cats, while unable to go the entire 360°, do have the ability to cleanse their backs with their tongues. They're also able to get rid of any hair that they may ingest through this ritual in neat lumps. With such an advanced digestive tract and impressive range of motion, is it any wonder that they were worshipped in Ancient Egypt?

I say let us follow our ancestors and take the cats out of the alley and put them back on the pedestal where they belong.

***

BLOGSPOT.COM SYSTEM OUTAGE

2006-06-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

Holla Holla Mitchestine readers! For those keeners checking in on Mitchestine at this time (8:26pm MST) please note that we are experiencing techincal difficulty with Blogspot.com. Sunday's post is complete, however we are not able to post it at this time. We will make every effort to have it up as soon as possible. Stay tuned and thank you for your patience.

Mini Satruday Post

2006-06-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my good friend Zabine last night and she had a rather interesting true story to tell me. Since I'm so damn generous I'll share it with the Mitchestine readers.

Enjoy!

Well I got off work at around 11, and hoped on a bus right away, I was babysitting and I had like 2 hours after the child went to bed to drink tea and read etc.. So by the time I got off the bus I had to pee really really badly. My train was coming so I decided to hold it until I got to Chinook because I had about 30 min to wait anyway until the bus came, and in that time I was hoping to find a bathroom.

Well as I am sure some of you know there is a max across the street, and I know that sometimes they are sticky but I was convinced they would understand and I was in such a wonderful cheerful mood. So I went in and asked them if they had a washroom I could use. They said no, so I said I really need to go, I have been holding it for an hour and I’m not sure where else to find a washroom, I also asked if they have one in the back that they use.
They said “it’s out of order” and this is where I kind of got a little teed. I’m not really sure why I think it had something to do with me needing to be really bad and you know a girls gotta go when she starts getting irritable. I asked them “Oh my goodness what are you doing when you need to go to the bathroom if it is out of order, Do you know of anyplace that is open that I could use a washroom at?”

Of course they said no.. And I said “well you must be going somewhere else, either that or you must be REALLY dehydrated if you need to hold it for 8 hours or possibly more..”
So finally I just left, and said “thanks for nothing” but when I got outside I had this urge to just do something really mean. I just paced for a little while feeling this anger boil inside of me. Now I fantasized about going in and casually squatting all over the magazines and letting things flow.. Then blaming them. But I am a wuss I don’t do well in these sorts of situations so I did the next best thing..

I put down my backpack a safe distance away… grabbed a Kleenex from my pocket, and squatted right outside the front door; I even leaned a bit so that urine went streaming down the door. Then I wiped, and rubbed my Kleenex all over the door handle as I opened it. Walked in, threw the Kleenex in the girls face and said “Take a good long look at the puddle I just made outside your door. That’s How badly I had to go, and I hope you realize how humiliating it fucking is when a girl has gotta squat ‘cause the fellow members of her gender can’t show a little empathy..” “You guys are bitches and I hope someone shows the same unkindness that you have shown to me this evening..”'

They said they were calling the cops; I opened the door, jumped over my puddle, picked up my back pack, and pulled hand sanitizer from my other pocket, as I walked away. I contemplated anger management, I thought there was something wrong with me, then as I hoped on my bus and headed home I let it go, just feeling good that I didn’t risk getting a bladder infection.

- Zabine Maherali

This is what I like to call: Bitch's Delight!

Too bad pictures are still down or I would post a cute picture of her peeing.

Pictures Are Down!!

2006-06-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: BLOG OUTAGE

So so sorry for the lack of postings last week, but it's not entirely Mitchestine's fault. Blogspot.com has been down since Monday and we were unable to post anything! Now that it's some-what up and running we can only publish precious material and no pictures! However, I did manage to upload a few of my vacation pictures prior to the outage...so yay for Ern!

Recent Subject Lines:
Fwd: RE: Month End Finance Documentation re Aloha Week

Aloha Aloha Aloha! I'm effing back! Hawaii was awesome! I strongly suggest anyone planning a vacation to go to Honolulu it's amazing. Big Thank You to Tee (a Mitchestine reader that refuses to comment) for all the restaurants/bars/activities recommended! Pictures below!

Speaking of comments Mitchestine received the highest comments ever... Fif effing teen (15!). Thank You Thank You and Thank You! www.mitchestine.blogspot.com is absolutely nothing without your threatening comments. Although, here's a friendly reminder how the Mitchestine take threats seriously:

5. Must be hand written in blood
4. Enclosed with some-sorta birth control
3. A picture of yourself threatening Hello Kitty
2. Writing "stick it in" at least 3 times
1. Sealed with a kiss

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Because of all the complaints last week Old Lady Mitchell has been demoted to Assistant to the Soap Lady. Now this blog is just Ernestine ME ME ME ME......No that's a lie, I think the Mitchestine compliments each other..or maybe Mitchell just compliments me and I reply with a nonchalant "That was the nicest thing you've ever said to me".

Mitchell hung out with Chrissy last week and got a t-shirt that says Chrissy! Very cute!

Ern got a bad sun burn on her scalp - will my hair fall out?

Quotes

*Please Note: Mitchell went AWOL on Wednesday plus Ern wasn't at work on Monday and a result we have a lack of quotes this week.

Brent: How was your trip?
Ern: Awesome!
Brent: I don't believe you
Me: :(

Ern's Mother: You are brown and chubby
Me: :(

Ern yawning
Brent: Yeah..that's attractive

Mitchell: Don't "Thank you for your consideration" me!
Ern: :(

Mitchell: Okay, so I have bad news. I missed you like a rash while you were in Hawaii, but I was SO much more productive at work that it was scary.
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Ern e-mailing Mitchell
Kirk: Are you going to spend all your time sending personal e-mails to Eric Wong?
Ern: Huh? Who's Eric? This e-mail is clearly being sent to Mitchell Fawcett
Kirk: You tell me who Eric Wong is!

So here's the freak quote of the day/week - I was doing squats on the Smith machine at the gym and there was a bench that was about 5 feet away from me.

Some Freak: Are you using this?
Ern: Nope, go right ahead
Freak: Oh I'm not using it I just wanted to move it for you
Ern: It's not bothering me
Freak: I'll move it if you want..
Ern: Yeah I'm good thanks.....

Mitchell's reply to the Freak story: "Freaky McFreak sounds very polite and considerate. You should let him stick it in, but just a little bit."

Top 5

Top 5 random facts about Hawaii

- Japanese people are everywhere
- Sushi is found everywhere; 7-11, Breakfast Buffets and etc.
- Coach is the new Starbucks! There were three boutiques on the street we stayed on
- There are about 97912717 Hip Hip and R&B Radio Stations in Honolulu
- The CHI does nothing for your hair in the Honolulu humidity

Mitchell's Top 5 Favorite Booster Juice Flavors:

5- Very Berry
4- Tropical Tornado
3- Breezy Banana
2- Mango Hurricane
1- Strawberry Sunshine

Lame.

This Week's Eff You

- Ern's sunburn and the blisters that immediately followed
- People with white crusties on the side of their mouth
- Dove deodorant
- Walmart
- Mitchell going AWOL on Ern
- Men that hang kitty stained underwear in their car
- People that respond a half smile when you say Good Morning. Yeah I got a half smile for you too!

Daily Key Points

Mitchestine is ovulating today! - Wednesday June 7, 2006.

Wow the blog kinda sucks without pictures - so here are a few pictures I managed to upload a few pics before the system crashed. ENJOY!

Hanauma Bay

Polynesian Centre

Waikiki Beach

Party on the Cruise

Sunset Cruise

Next blog entry (Sunday night) will be the best blog ever to make up for the lack of postings and this week's half-ass post.

WE LOVE OUR READERS!
REMEMBER THIS BLOG IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU BITCHES! :)

Aloha Bitches!

2006-05-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines
Confirmation Date for Work-It-Out Seminar
Rescinded Document Notification - %Jo!San1208.xls

Holla Holla!! It's the beginning of another work week... for everyone except Ern, because she's in Hawaii! Although I'm not exactly sure what part of the beautiful tropical island she is visiting, I think it's somewhere like this:

So Ern won't be back until next weekend, so that means that everyone gets 3 consecutive postings of MITCHELL MITCHELL MITCHELL! I'm going to have to be on hypersensitive eavesdropping mode to make up for all of the quotes that Ern won't be here to contribute. Ern, it's not weird to comment on your own blog if you are in another country! We all miss you and want to know how your trip is going!

In other news, one of Mitchestine's most faithfull and long-time readers Chrissy will be coming out to Calgary for a short visit this weekend!

It's been a couple of tough weeks since America's Next Top Model wrapped up... Wednesday nights just aren't the same, but good news - Canada's Next Top Model starts this week!

Everyone be sure to tune in to the Wednesday posting of Mitchestine for updates, gossip and saucy commentary.

Quote Time!

Kirk: How's it going?
Ern: Good Morning.
Kirk: That doesn't answer my question.

Ern: Just calling to confirm my appointment today
Receptionist: Yep 4:00.
Ern: What is the procedure exactly?
Receptionist: We are going to stick a thousand needles in your arm
Ern: ...
Receptionist: Just kidding! We'll stick about 15.
Ern:...aren't you going to stay just kidding?
Receptionist: No I'm serious, see you then!*click*
Ern:...

Kirk: There are no such things as Asian jokes
Ern: Ugh.

*Bruce picks up my mint box*
Bruce: What the eff? This isn't cheese.

Kirk: What are you doing this weekend?
Ern: Going to Hawaii
Kirk: WHAAAAAT???
Ern: Ugh.

Oh wow, there's not a single quote from me... how sad.

So last week, we read about how Mitchell became a Momo, and today we have the story about how Ern became a fag hag! In Ern's own words:

"This is a true story - when I was in gr6 I had a crush on thisFilipinoguy and we talked on the phone everyday during the summer. One day heasked to watch a movie with me and I was pretty psyched! I wasn'tallowed b/c my mother thought he was going to stick it in so I cried.Anyway then he told me he was a mo and how I was his best friend andhehas boyfriend. His boyfriend was older and let him sit on his lap andthen I cried some more. Yeah and then that's how the life of Fag HagErn started..oh and of course I meat more sweet sweet mos along thewayand helped Jeff prance out of the closet!"

Melinda, our foreign correspondant writes this special piece on the puzzling city that is Edmonton:

I was given this assignment Carte Blanche, roughly translated into Blank Cheque. I can only assume that monetary gratuities are being sent to my current address as we speak. So I will do my best to entertain for this sum of money that is being whisked to me by magical kittens and trolls.

I will start with a Jo San, bitches! Even though it's Sunday evening and you're pooped from a weekend of hard partying and you want to relax, Sixty Minutes style, but without that damn annoying stopwatch.

Fear not, Melinda is here to bring you good tidings of great joy. Edmontonians appear to be getting dumber as the play offs continue. Either that or they're just taking a cue from Ms. Kiki Drunkst and deciding to let it out at more and more inappropriate times.

Question, a reasonable young couple is walking down the street in the direction of city, do they want to be accosted with a giant martini glass and made to "Clink" it? The answer, good and faithful readers, is no.

Unlike the Red Mile, violence abounds on "White Avenue." In one night, not even a series winning game, there were over twenty people arrested in connection with twelve stabbings. As long as Edmonton is attempting to kill off their own, we say let them. Calgary will reign supreme in its fight for provincial dominance once all of the Edmontonians have killed each other for no apparent reason beyond "He was standing too close to me on the street."

To help this along, I dream of a world where alcohol, cigarettes, and guns are available at a drive through window and you can use them all before you get home.

PS. If you're not offended yet, how about this? All midgets are really robots!

Now finally, some fantastic news - Mitchestine is back on Google! Yay! Until Wednesday...

Ern says: I need a big top and small bottom

2006-05-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Comments regarding Ethnic Wall Transaction; and
FW: Crabs Mc Honda La Dover - Hanover Property.

Jo Jo Wednesday everyone! Happy Hump la Crunk day! I just want to say a HUGE Thank You to everyone that came to my Surprise Birthday Party last Friday! It couldn't have come at a better time - I was pretty emo from work last week and I was pretty close to munching on my own wrist...

Also - huge thanks to Sonia and Mitchell for my sweet birthday gift! A Lulu Lemon outfit along with Hot Yoga passes! Is this a "we think you're fat" gift? Maybe..I love it!

What's New with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell has been extremely bored at work - to kill time he plays Suduko while listening to smooth Jazz music. To attract attention he pretends his staple is a gun and shoots at anyone that walks by his office PEW PEW!

Ern recovered from her awful E-Coli, Stomach Flu, Forgot to take No Baby Pill pain! Thank You to all the Get Well cards along with the cranberry juice delivered to my door.

Random Birthday Quotes (that Mitchell forgot)

Bitchy Sushi Waitress: I think your party is here
Mitchell: What do they look like?
Waitress: The girl has poofy hair and the guy is about this tall (about this tall is apparently 4 feet)
Mitchell: Yep that's them!

*It was teased bitch!*

Joe: Are you excited about the Bahamas?
Ern: Actually it's Hawaii
Joe: Is it different?
Ern: Yes it's different than the Bahamas. It's Hawaii..

*Everyone taking pictures of Ern and her cake*
Jay: There are so many Asians in here with cameras that it feels like Banff

Jen: something something about MJ
Jay: OMG you did not just say MJ it's Mah Jong!

Jay: How do you play Mah Jong without a computer?

*Waitress brings out sushi boat*
Jen: This is the boat I came on

Jay: Take a picture with your people!
*Our people = Geisha Doll on the TV*

Ern's Mom: Who's VCD is this? *referring to Jay's Asian porn gift* I'm opening it!

Quotes from Ern's Mom after seeing Sunday's post b-day pictures

Mother: Your face is wide
Ern: :(

Mother: Which one is Mitchell?
Ern: :(

Mother: You need to lose 5 pounds on your face
Ern: :(

Mother: Those aren't your teeth - they aren't that white
Ern: :(

Quotes from the Office

Kirk: I like your hair today
Ern: Thanks... *shifty eyes*
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "that is the nicest..."
Ern: NO!

Bruce: Can you pull a bill on file #666 - we should bill this guy before he goes to jail
Ern: That dude that was in your office last week? He was RUDE!
Bruce: Why?
Ern: I said "Hi" and he just stared at me
Bruce: Yeah...well he's going to jail
Ern: Good!

Mitchell: There's a notification on the fax machine, it says the invoice you sent to Nova Chemicals didn't go through.
Julie: Oh I know why! I'm such an idiot.
Mitchell: It says that on there too.

Bruce: Why didn't you check out of that document on Friday?
Ern: I forgot - was Kirk really mad?
Bruce: Yes he wanted to kill someone
Ern: Yeah he does that a lot

Kirk: What the hell is that?
Ern: An Asian Pear
Kirk: That's racist

Julie: Wow, I love your glasses, they make you look so much smarter.
Mitchell: ...
Julie: Uh... they make you look smart... not smarter...
Mitchell: ...
Julie: And older! They make you look smart and older.
Mitchell: That's better.

Carrie: How was HiFi?
Ern: Crappy! Someone made a racist Asian comment so we left
Carrie: Did you stab them with that little knife in your pocket
Ern: You're racist..

Jodi: My cousin got us the sickest bridesmaid's dress! It's tight all over and I can't bend over
Ern: Oh..that's important at weddings
Jodi: Yeah! If you want to have a good time

Ask Mitchestine

Wow this week we have not one but effing three Dear Mitchestine.

Dear Mitchestine,

I am giving birth to my very first baby at the end of June. My life partner and I are excited to enjoy eating the placenta after the baby is born, and was wondering if you have any good recipes?

Sincerely,
Aspiring Placenta Chef

Dear Hungry,

Congratulations on your first baby! Your baby will be born under the Cancer sign. The Cancer sign is known to be very overly sensitive so you eat that placenta good! The Mitchestine has a batch full of recipes but it is recommended to eat the placenta in it's original form for best results. However, if you enjoy any type of Asian cuisine we have the perfect recipe for you!

You will need:

- placenta
- 3 bok choys
- 2 salty thousand year old eggs
- a whole chicken
- 30 grams of truffles; and
- yams (optional)

Chop all the vegetables and peel the duck eggs. Steam all ingredients (excluding chicken and placenta) in a large Asian steamer for about 3-29 hours. When all ingredients are steamed stuff them in the cooked chicken along with the placenta. Pour some soya sauce on it and enjoy!

Love,
Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

I love reading your blog, I tune in every single Sunday and Wednesday. I would love to be able to comment, but I don't know how! Please help!

Yours Truly,
Clueless about Commenting

Dear Dumb Dumb,

Simply click on 'COMMENTS' and click on other or anonymous to leave a comment! We love comments!

Love,
Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

My step father offered to buy me breast implants. Is something fishy about this?

Awaiting your reply,
Flat in Florida

Dear D Flat,

Absolutely not! How dare you question your step father's love! Did you know it's Father's day soon - you get the boob job done and you show it to him on Father's Day.

Love,
Mitchestine

Keep the questions coming! Mitchestine's e-mail is currently pending in progress so please leave any questions in our comments section!

Did You Ever Wonder....

People often ask me (usually my mother) on a daily basis, "Is Mitchell really gay?" "Do you think he's just pretending to be gay and he's really in love with you?" "Will he turn straight tomorrow?". UGH. Mitchell is out and he'll never go back in that dirty straight closet. In fact, when he came out of the closet he was wrapped with a towel that said "I'm Coming Out!".

Anyway, I'm sure you have all wondered how and when this all started. When Mitchell was about 7 years old he was at the Calgary Downtown Public Library aka Bum's Paradise with his father. Somewhere between reading a My Little Pony book and making himself dizzy he found a deck of cards. Not any deck of cards it had pictures of naked WOMEN! Yep he got scared and called his father. Mitchell's dad was outraged and appalled and as a result he stuffed them in a garbage can under three pieces of tissue. Yep true story! So if you ever want to hear Mitchell scream and moan throw a deck of dirty cards at him!

*Next week: "How Ern become a Fag Hag"

Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

Wow, I have honestly stepped out of my office like twice today... that's pretty bad. What's the weather like? Ooh maybe it will be cold/damp enough for me to wear my new jacket tonight. I hope so. Does your firm have any jobs for me? I'm not really sure what I would want to do, but maybe there is an opening for the Director of Fabulosity?

Hmm, enough about Me Me Me... don't homeless people make you sad? There, that was my non-self-centeredness for the day. My Mom would be proud.

That's all for now! Have an awesome week everyone!

You Can't Spell "Wrong" Without "Wong"!

2006-05-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Friday Cheque Log - SAN8865JO54
Canadian Agriculture Safety Council - Proposal

Happy Tuesday Everyone!! I was a little confused as to how to do the post due to the long weekend, but I realized that most of our readers are fellow office workers, and as such will be tuning in on Tuesday Morning at the start of their shortened work week. Also, everyone will only have to wait 2 days until they can read Ern's Wednesday Post!!

Let's get to it bitches!

What's new with Mitchestine??
It's been a beautiful weekend, but unfortunately Ern has not been able to really enjoy it. Why? She has Food Poisoning!!

We aren't completely sure where this condition originated, although investigations are currently underway at an undisclosed McDonald's location. As we all know, I had food poisoning just last week, so of course I feel Ern's pain.

Michael Kors is still not back from the dealership. Eff.

In other news, Ern bought custom teeth-whitening trays! Who do you think has whiter teeth?

*Note: Sparkles may or may not have been added to enhance the outcome of this photograph

There have been some rather amusing quotes of late, so let's get to them!

Ern: Ugh..Chubby one is talking about some lady here that looks like a man. I have no idea what the eff he's talking about.
Carrie: Nice..... you need to tell him "That's no man, that's Kirsty Alley"..... obviously he's been watching those Jenny Craig commercials and getting confused.

(I called the Rental Car place and made a reservation with "Truong". When I went in there an Asian guy asked if he could help me.)
Mitchell: Oh, I think I just spoke to you on the phone, are you Truong?
Enterprise Guy: Uhh no, my name is Aidan.

Carrie: Did you see that Asian girl at the elevator with the long black hair and big boobs?
Ern: Umm..was it me?
Carrie: No.
Ern: :(

Trainer at the gym: What's your sign again?
Ern: Gemini.
Trainer: My last 5 girlfriends were Gemini's...I'll never learn.
Ern: Uh huh...*puts on head phones*

Karen (while commenting on Wednesday's Post): I'm confused and I don't know why.

Carrie: So is everything okay now?
Ern: Meh forgive and forget.
Carrie: I can't believe Chubby didn't even do anything about it.
Ern: Yeah Chubby use to be on my side.
Carrie: Chubby needs to be on Jenny Craig's side!

Brent: Have you ever seen the Sound of Music?
Ern: Yes have you?
Brent: No but I know all the songs.
Ern: Name three of them and sing one
Brent: No.

Julie: Is your internot networking?
Mitchell: Ummm did you mean to say "Is your internet not working?"
Julie: Maybe.

Now due to the overwhelming success of last Wednesday's Dear Mitchestine, we have had a huge inflow of letters from readers seeking advice. This brings us to this week's installment of

Dear Mitchestine,

My boyfriend peed on me last night. Is this normal?

Sincerely,
Wondering about Watersports

Dear Wondering about Watersports,

In China when a baby is born the mother drinks the baby's pee because it has a lot of nutrients and vitamins.

Was your boyfriend conscious when he peed on you? If he wasn't then he has what Doctors call a 'medical condition' and that's clearly a REDFLAG so move on honey!

If he did it intentionally well then you just got peed on.

Mitchestine isn't overly familiar with Watersports but if played correctly you can win without getting wet.

Love,
Mitchestine

A large amount of Mitchestine readers were at Sushi Ichiban on Friday night... why, do you ask...?

Yes, the guestlist read like an Oscar After-Party, and was thrown by Yours Truly and Party Planner Extrodinaire Jen! Please enjoy some of the fantastic photography that follows:

Thank you to all who came, and especially to the anonymous Mitchestine reader who presented Ern with the most fantastic gift she could ever ask for:

I think we all know that this special gift will get a lot of use. That's all for today! As always, don't forget to comment!!

Almost long weekend..?

2006-05-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
FW: Crabby Form UF - Memorandum
Fwd: FW: Symantec Corporation - 2008 Client Account Bid
Fwd: RE: Cinnamoroll Account Expenses re: Towa McOwa

Jo Effing San everyone! Happy hump day everyone! It's almost the long weekend and Mitchestine are going camping! Nope that's a lie.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Last week's blog entry we discussed about TinyE wanting Mitchell's tapioca pearls. Because Mitchell had food poisoning last week TinyE brought him some congee and duck eggs. How sweet of him! There was a note attached to the the duck eggs that said "Stick it in me!".

Ern is emo.....ugh what's new?

Mitchestine loves Margaret Cho! Here's a wonderful picture of her and a big gay:

Quotes

Voicemail: You have 12 new messages
Kirk: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK

Bruce: Where were you this weekend?
Kirk: Not here
Bruce: That doesn't answer my question

Mandy: You two are the perfect team, your skills compliment each others so well.
Frank: Yeah, I've got the looks and Mitchell has the brains.
Mitchell: I don't like that.

Frank: (shouting) Thanks!
Mitchell: (shouting back) You're welcome??
Julie: He's on a conference call.
Mitchell: Oh. Why is he shouting?

*Kirk comes walking in with food from Burger King*

Bruce: Burger King!?! Are you high?
Kirk: Ugh
Bruce: Wasn't there a Wendy's?
*Ern giggling*
Bruce: What's so funny? Do you know a lot about getting high and then eating at Burger King?
Ern: No...

Mitchell: What should we have for healthy snack day?
Frank: Donuts!
Mitchell: We are not having donuts.

Bruce: Does Sally not work here anymore?
Ern: Ugh. Sally stopped working here during Christmas or probably before that.

Mitchell: EW!!
Mitchell's Mom: What?
Mitchell: Vivica A. Fox's boob job.
Mitchell's Mom: ...

*Ern reading Pink*

Kirk: Ugh. How does that site benefit your life? Does it change it in anyway?
Ern: Britney is a bad mom.

Brent: Get out of my document!
Ern: It's not yours!
Bruce: Yes it is. I'm going to sell it to a client.
Kirk: Like a sleazy used car salesman

*Ern reading Perez and the sidebar has a bunch of GAY this and that ads*

Kirk: That looks like a good website send me the link
Ern:...

*Talking about our monthly kitty*
Jen: It also reassures me that I'm not with child.

Caren: Some broad is wearing the same dress I am! Who does she think she is?
Ern: I'm sorry to hear that? Do you want me to go stab her?
Caren: Oh you Asians are so violent!

Jay: Hi! I'd like to make a reservation for the patio this evening
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry no reservations.
Jay: Do you know who I am?
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry... no.
Jay: :(

*On a side note Jay is now ordering one gillion quail eggs. Take that Towa!

Only in the North East

We often write blurbs about the North East and I'm sure a lot of you are wondering "where is this North East?" Well somewhere between Sunridge Mall, the Leisure Centre, Ern's House, Reef and Beef and Mitchell's house you will find the heart of the North East. We've collaborated a list of REAL scenarios that happened in the North East:

- Michael Kors get broken into :(
- Someone leaves a couch on their lawn with a sign that says 'TAKE ME' and Ern's mom puts it on her lawn with a sign that says '$10.00'
- Mattresses with dirty stains are left on the side of the road
- Grow Ops on every other block (Buy 2 grams get the 3rd gram at half price!)
- A Taxi does some crazy reverse driving
- A random orange Enmax cone in front of Ern's house
- A big empty box in front of Ern's house...
- A suspicious absence of Mormon's going door to door.
- Someone throws an old bed on their front lawn and it stays there so long grass starts to grow over it.
- People fight over abandoned shopping carts
- People burn garbage to cook when they don't have a BBQ

This week's Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My husband just told me that he's hungry for homo's... what do I do?

- Straight and Worried.

Dear Straight and Worried:

Good question! You've come to the right place the Momo (Mitchell) and Emo Fag-Hag (Ern) will try our best to help you out. Now before we answer your question you have to understand that Ern is notorious for turning straight men gay ie: Jeff B. no wait that's too obvious we'll call him J. Bryan. What's her secret? Who cares, just keep your husband away from her.

Try a little bit of role-playing in the bedroom. Pretend you are the burly Head Coach of his baseball team and that he is the aspiring athlete who will do ANYTHING to make it in the big leagues. Needless to say, a baseball bat is an important prop.

Just remember that nowadays, who isn't hungry for mo's? I know Mitchestine is! Bon Appetite!

Keep the questions/comments coming!

This week's Eff You

- Mitchell has to pay $250 out of pocket expense to get Michael Kors back :(
- The pimple in Ern's mystery spot
- Crumbs look-a-like at the bottom of Ern and Mitchell's purse
- Completing the Alberta Census form..what the eff?

Well this isn't really an EFF YOU but a WHAT THE EFF?

YES! That's correct! You can pay to 'shower only' in a public facility. Now I'm not sure who wants to shower for $3.10 but the price isn't bad considering you can shower all you want. However you will have to push the 'shower button' every two seconds and I can see how that can get annoying.

Mitchell: Heheh, a true Asian would buy a shower pass and then sneak into the pool.

Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

"I forgot that Monday is SwimDay for Ern. I'm going to take my sisters' car to get washed, poor Donatella is filthy, not like when I was her Daddy."

"I'm not sure what to wear to watch ANTM... maybe a tube top?"

CONGRATULATIONS GHETTO McGAPPY!

YAY! I'm so glad that Danielle won! She's effing beautiful and talented! It's pictures like the one above that prove she has what it takes to be the ANTM Cycle 6 winner. I love her gap and the "in your effing face" attitude. I'm really glad that Jade wasn't in the final two. Also what the hell was up with her Cover Girl commercial? You can't make up random words! This isn't Easy Breezy Beautiful Tranny. Although, Joanie lost I'm 99.9% sure that she will get signed somewhere with some hoidy toidy agency.

I'm not too sure what the Mitchestine are going to gossip about now that ANTM is over. Next week is the beginning of Canada's Next Top Model..ugh that's it - just a simple UGH.

Mitchestine's Proverb of the Week.

"To avoid Sars wear a Sars mask."

Have a SUPER long weekend Bitches!

Gams Gams Gams!

2006-05-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Incident Report - 12/04/05 #342
Vasos De Agua - Los 8 Contiene

It's Sunday! You can all breathe a sigh of relief, it's time for that twice-weekly fix of pure Mitchestine indulgence.

I'm happy to report that since last Wednesday's post, Mitchestine is now in the top two Google rankings!

Unfortunately, Mitchell was stricken ill with food poisoning from a questionable falafel (Byblos Bakery... never again) and was absent from work on both Thursday and Friday. As such, quotes are limited, but it's quality people... not quantity.

(Ern gives Kirk a monthly lawyer's magazine)
Kirk: Ugh why do they always put old geasers on the cover?
Ern: Because it's a lawyer's magazine.
Kirk: They should put models on here... someone like you.
Ern: That is the nicest thing ANYONE has ever said to me!
Kirk: It's true!

(Mitchell is eating Miso Soup)
Mitchell: Ugh, this is so salty, I don't think I can eat anymore.
Jay: That's what he said.

(While on the dance floor, Shakira starts playing)
Faggy McStarbucks:Is this Whitney Houston?
Ern: Ugh.

Shahir: You smell like Chicklets
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Hot Asian Homo: You are very pretty.
Ern: That's the nictest thing you have ever said to me.

(As super-trashed Shelly is trying to feel Mitchell up)
Random Homo: Wow, she's all over you... Maybe if you and I made out it would distract her.
Mitchell: Let's not.

Wow... that's all the quotes. Lying in bed in complete agony really puts witty quotes on the bottom of one's list. On that note, today we have quite an illustrious EFF list:
3- Faggy McStarbucks *update, Ern would like to make this an EXTRA Effy Eff*
2- Associated Cab - 30 Minutes late!!
1- PETTY THIEVES who broke into Michael Kors last night!!!
That's right, Michael Kors (my car) was violated last night, while parked in the "safety" of my garage.

Despite attempts to hotwire and actually steal Michael Kors, all they did was cut up the dashboard and steering column leaving it undrivable. The weirdest part is that they left a single Lime Runt on the drivers seat...

Oh wow... this has been a very self centered post so far. Perhaps it's time for one last minute Mitchestine Award:

Most me-me-me Mitchestine Poster

Yes yes, I get the irony of presenting myself an award about being self-centered.

To finish up, don't forget to watch the 2 Hour Season Finale of America's Next Top Model on Wednesday! This Mo's prediction?? We find out that Jade has a wang.

Goodnight!! Keep Commenting!

First Annual Mitchestine Awards!

2006-05-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Fwd: Re: USD Investment Accounts - Monthly Online Statement;
Fwd: RE: CalSac - Draft Circular in Motion; and
Fwd: RE: Flowers For You Inc. - Draft Noting in Default

Happy Hump la bump day everyone!! Mitchell called me at roughly 11:30AM on Tuesday morning with a creepy sexual voice telling me we're on GOOGLE! YAY! That's how you know your blog is the shit when you're on Google. However I made a few comments on OfficeTally (their site clearly gets more hits than us) so they pop up as the first two hits. But we're on Google Bitches!

So apparently new comers to the blog *ahem* Kelly, Jenna and Maya find our pictures Creepy. Yep..can't argue there. Keep reading ladies!

Big HUGE thanks to Christina for free/voluntary advertising of the Mitchestine on her CP page!

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell is being freakishly paranoid lately. He assumes that everyone is buying pot behind his back...including me. Also he went on a bubble tea friend date with a boy we call TinyE (for obvious reasons) and it turned out to be more than he expected. Let's just say that TinyE wanted more than bubble tea...yes he wanted Mitchell's tapioca pearls.

Ern has another ear infection..from the wind! EFF!

Quotes

Bruce: Where's Hungry Hungry?
Ern: I don't know, maybe he went to the washroom
Bruce: Nope that's you

Ern: They finally faxed it over (referring to lazy people that handle incoming faxes)
Kirk: UGH what the eff? They were suppose to send it on Friday..gosh they're a bunch of stoners down there. Don't you EVER do that stuff!
Ern: I won't...
Kirk: I know you're from B.C.
Ern: :(

Bruce: Did you change your hair?
Ern: Nope
Bruce: It looks like it needs to be combed
Ern: It's teased!

Ern: I have this problem where it's hard for me to breathe out of my nose so I have to breathe out of my mouth.
Carrie: OMG how the hell do you eat cereal in the morning?
Ern: Heh..that's not a problem actually.
Carrie: When I get a stuffy nose I practically drown in my cereal

Mitchell: What are you guys doing?
Karrie: Good, how are you?
Mitchell: Uh...

*Brent is sick*
Ern: Are you okay?
Brent: No, I feel like a sack of ass

Kirk: You better still be with me when I make Partner (which is probably in 6-8 years)
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

Kirk: Your hair looks good today
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

*everyone is in their office and I'm at my desk - using our playground voice*

Kirk: Did you ever find me a Bonsai tree?
Ern: No.
Brent: She's not Japanese, she's Vietnamese!
Ern: I'm Chinese!!

Julie: I need to buy some dental floss to keep at my desk.
Mitchell: I hate having to floss.
Julie: You? Mr. Perfect Teeth??
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Julie: Jackson (her fiancé) told me he thought you had really nice teeth too.
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing Jackson has ever said about me.
Julie: That's the only thing Jackson has ever said about you.

This isn't a quote but someone just said "Aiya" in a very Chinese way...this person isn't Chinese.

Mitchell: Your blog entries (Wednesdays) are always better than mine (Sundays)
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

Top 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern miffy in the morning:

- Ern doesn't get a seat on the c-train
- A full grown man is sitting on the c-train and should be offering his seat to Ern
- People that cough or sneeze on the c-train
- Men that walk in the elevator before Ern
- No one compliments on Ern's hair, skirt and etc.

This week's Eff You

- The windy weather..what the eff?
- Ern's "where the eff is my raise?"

Daily Momo Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

"OH MY GOSH I need to you (Ern) to mail me something, I don't care what it is, as long as it's a really big box. SSD (sexy shuttle driver) brought down a big box for someone else, so I want him to deliver something to me and then he can bend over in my office in front of me. FYI if your boss ever asks you do bring them a big box, that's exactly what they want."

"Eff, people keep bringing me bad food! Someone bought me a Slurpee, then someone else brought in Cookies by George. "

ANTM Gossip Mossip!

So tall and awkward, Sarah, got voted off - I personally didn't even notice her until this week's episode. How many times does Jade say "I'm a threat" in one episode? I hate to say this but I really think Jade might win. Hmm.. a Tranny in high fashion I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I like it.

Kitty's 2CENTS on Mr.K-Fed

Now that Britney officially announced that she's prego again. A Mitchestine reader that claims he "doesn't read our blog" has two cents about The Speaderlines. Kitty claims that the reason Britney first dated Kevin was because he was the first and only person that gave her an orgasm. Yep you heard it first here on Mitchestine. Kitty (our very heterosexual Asian) claims that Justin Timberlake clearly has no game and probably never even got Britney close to climax. Also, when they first started dating Britney was very intimidated by Kevin's dirtiness and decided to let him stick it in her and popped baby Preston 9 months later. All that for an orgasm...

What do you guys think??

Mitchestine Awards!

Jeremy - Most overly sensitive reader

Chrissy - Longest/Most Faithful Reader

Angy - Keeping us on toes with sincere yet threatening comments

Christina - Longest comments; possibly our biggest fan?

Jeff - Secretly hates us, but still reads anyway

Karen - Biggest ANTM fan!

Amar - Does he even read it?

As a Mitchestine Award winner everyone gets a 5$ Gift Certificate to the Cecil aka The Murder/Suicide Bar. See you all there!

HOW TO CLAIM PRIZE: Simply approach the crack dealer standing in front of the Cecil on Thursday nights at approximately 9:45PM. The code word is Kitty.

10,000 Feet

2006-05-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday everyone! Don't forget to watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy! As most of you were aware, I went Skydiving on Saturday. Since it was such an effing terrifying experience, I'd like to share it with everyone right off the bat.

To start off, these are the tiny ass little planes we went in. Yeah, forget nice, large stable aircrafts that you see in the movies. These are rickety little things that fly like a piece of newspaper.

The brave souls that plummitted 10,000 feet.

This me with Carolyn, all suited up! (check out my package!)

Ursala and I went together on the same jump, this is her looking absolutely terrified as nothing but 8mm's of flimsy metal hold us up in the air.

After a 35 second free fall, your chute deploys and you are dangling mid-air looking at this.

Coming in for the landing...

My feet are never leaving the ground again... ever.

Alright, so enough of that me me me. I know you are all here for quotes...

Recent Subject Lines:

San Jo Memorandum re: Work-it-Out Costs

San Jomo Transaction - Form 81(D) Update

Julie: I think my head is pointy.
Mitchell: I didn't notice, I don't really notice the shape of anyone's head,not even mine.
Julie: Yeah you have a really normal shaped head.
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Julie: What? How is that the nicest thing I've ever said to you? I'm sure I must have said nicer things to you in the time we've known eachother.

*drinking water from my huge water bottle*
Kirk: You are effing crazzzzzyyyy
Ern: :*(

Dude at the gym: Don't drop your discman again
Ern: Excuse me...?
Dude: Yeah you dropped it yesterday it was loud
Ern: Oh yeah...I didn't know anyone was watching.
Dude: I was
Ern: ....

(That's right, Ern still uses a Discman)

That's it for the Sunday post, but everyone be sure to comment! On Wednesday's post we will be having the first ever Mitchestine Comment Awards!

Extra Special Thursday Post!

2006-05-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

That's right readers. Although Mitchestine is now only posted on Wednesdays and Sundays, special foreign correspondant Melinda Hinman (Mitchindastine) writes from Boston, MA with this editorial piece on the decline of the American Dollar. Enjoy.

Recently there has been much discussion of the decline of the American Dollar. Is it, as has been much publicized, the second term of George W that is bringing the dollar to an almost staggering $1.10? Is it the war on terrorism, which continues to fuel the nation's debt? I'm sure many intellectual propaganda machines will tell you that it is. Here at Mitchestine, we're devoted to the truth. And the truth is that it's the Northeastern Accent. You all know it, you watch Regis and Kelly like it's words from the mouth of God.

Cah. What is a cah, you ask, intelligent reader of this blog. Ruf. What is a ruf? It seems that in it's advanced age, the Northeastern part of the United States has gotten lazy. They leave off letters in their speech, the most pronounced letter that is dropped off being the letter R. Cah, for those of you that haven't figured it out, is a car to Northeasterners.

Perhaps it's that people don't want to invest in a country where half the population is almost unintelligible in speech [and for once, I'm not talking about rappers and balers that listen to rap.] Perhaps it's because they try to call to invest, and simply cannot complete the transaction. The only thing that's certain, is that letting the Northeast control the country makes as much sense as letting Flavor Flav have his own reality show.

It's impossible to tell at this early stage of hypothesis what the exact correlation between this accent and the steep decline of the American Dollar is, only that there is one.

Dashboard Confessional is coming to Calgary - July 7, 2006

2006-05-01T17:24:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Crabs Mc Pussy Willow Transaction;
Fortune 500 - Annual reports; and
Due Diligence Report - L Nasoj & Associates

Jo effing Wednesday everyone! Happy hump hump I like to hump day! Wow our highest comments ever! Five (5)!! Thank you everyone for reading the Mitchestine! *Please note that Mitchestine will only be updating twice a week; Wednesdays and Sundays.

Does everyone know that Dashboard Confessional (Ern's favourite band) is coming to Calgary?

Ern: If I don't see Dashboard Confessional I will stab myself in the eye

Although, Mitchestine doesn't give a rat's ass about hockey- it's a sad sad day in Calgary :(

There's a new show on the W network called 'You are what you Eat". The show keeps track of overweight individual's diet and at the end of the week they place everything that they've eaten on a huge dining table. Miitchell and I wondered what would be on our table if they did a show on us...

Mitchell:

- salad
- kitty
- cranberries
- green tea
- tapioca pearls
- apple sauce
- East Indian food

Ern:

- tuna
- cottage cheese
- kitty
- green tea
- grapefruits
- protein powder
- lychee jelly
- fibre 1 cereal

The last few days have been GREAT for quotes...do people get funnier after the rain? Maybe.

Quotes!

Kirk: How's it going?
Ern: Good just filing
Kirk: I see you're wearing contacts today
Ern: Yes
Kirk: Very nice

Mitchell: I think this block code has already been used, I can't load the rate
Julie: Oh for Eff's Sake!

Kirk: how's the purse?
Ern: Her name is Gloria pronounced Glooooooooooriiiaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kirk: Don't let anyone touch it
Ern: I won't

*Ern is eating a sandwich while entering Bruce's time sheet. She has 20minutes until the program shuts down!*

Bruce: What the hell? This isn't sandwich time! It's crunch time, enter those time girl!
Ern: I'm multi-tasking
Bruce: You're sure milking the over time, good work.

Mandy: I've ordered a whole bunch of those logo'd stress balls, but they are a week late.
Mitchell: You sound stressed.

Kevin: My pants keep falling down today
Mitchell: That's sexual harassment

Ern's Mom: Come on, just one more round of Mah Jong!
Mitchell's Mom: No! I'm tired.

Trainer at the gym: You're doing your dips wrong
Ern: Excuse me?!?
Trainer: Yeah your triceps dips, let me show you *shows me how to do a proper triceps dip*
Ern: Wow thanks!

Lisa: My practicum student doesn't wear makeup, how the hell am I suppose to mentor someone that needs makeup and doesn't wear any?

Sandy: This bride doesn't want any Rye & Cokes at her wedding this weekend.
Jan: My guests would be so mad if I didn't serve those at my wedding.
Mitchell: Yeah, they would probably start a Rye-it.

Julie: Hi Sandy!
Sandy: Shuttup Julie.

*Ern is looking at Gucci purses online*

Bruce: What the eff? Are you looking at purses?
Ern: Yes....
Bruce: How's your purse?
Ern: Great! I named her Gloria
Bruce: I thought it was Coach
Ern: It's both..
Brandon: You're crazy

Ern's Mom: Don't make me ask you twice
Mitchell's Mom: Okay one more round.

Carrie: Ugh this purse is so ugly but I'm having ugly-duck syndrome. You know when you buy something because you feel bad for it. Do you know what I mean?
Ern: Umm..no

Ern: When are you going to bring the baby in?
Bruce: Never, this place is too quiet for a baby
Ern: Oh is she a screamer?
Bruce: That's a personal question

Jen: I like going to your house b/c your mom calls me "pretty girl" that is the only reason we have maintained our frienship, she is the foundation. By the way you are not allowed to come over ever again! My mom's always like, you should work out, look how skinny Ernestine is, you're so fat. Your mother is the foundation and my mother is our demise. THE END.

Mitchell's Mom: Okay, it's 3 in the morning, can we please stop?
Ern's Mom: Quitter.

Brent: It's okay English isn't your first language
Ern: Actually it is, and you're a racist.

Top 5

TOP 5 ways to know it's spring/summer:

- Ern breaks out in hives every 10 minutes
- Ern wears short short skirts
- Ern always has a flower in her hair
- Mitchell wears short short skirts
- Those white fluffy white things appear.

This week's Eff You!

- Ern's hives..
- Mitchell's awkwardly shaped room
- The weather

Momo Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell:

I'm an idiot today. I just keep flubbing up on the phone. Just now I called someone name Melinda "Shawna", then I called someone named Rob "Roy" (or was it the other way around? I don't even know). Before that I effed up three times trying to transfer someone, then I picked up the phone and totally blanked. I was like "Thanks.... calling....RADISSON"

I'm not sure if fascinating is the way to describe him though... I would die if I went bald. That would be terrible. I never take my hair for granted though, I'm very good to it. Wow that's going on the Mitchell's Momo Ramblings.

ATTENTION: ANTM Spoilers!

How the eff is Tranny Mc Jade still on the show? Ugh. Is it just me or does her skin get lighter every episode? It's about time Furonda McMantis got voted off! She has a body of a 12 year old boy...no wait 7. I'm officially cheering for Joanie and Ghetto Miss Danielle and her gappity gap! I like her ghetto-ness it reminds me of the people in the North East.

Everyone watch The Office tomorrow night!

Hookah Bitches!!

Dirty Sanchez!

2006-04-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Canadian Rockies Public School District #29
Mystic Springs - Annual Reports
Staff Appreciation Week - Expense Account

Good Evening! It's been a goldmine for quotes lately, so let's get right to them, starting with the usual office quotes from the end-half of last week (Mitchell was working in Canmore, hence the selection of quotes from La Tina McMina).

Quotes

Kirk: Working hard...?
Ern: Mmhmm
Kirk: ...on that sandwich.

La Tina McMina: How do you spell "Charged"?
Mitchell: Ugh.

Carrie: Did you know they make bra's with fake headlights sticking out?
Ern: Yes that's what I wear to the gym.

(while at Starbucks)
Barista: You look nice!
Mitchell: Thank you very much.
Barista: What are you doing?
Mitchell: Ummm, ordering tea?
Barista: No I meant like are you on your way to a job interview or something?
Mitchell: Nope, just ordering tea.
Barista: Oh, that just looks like a power suit. You should wear a red tie or something with it. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Mitchell: Yeah, a red tie really wouldn't go with this.

Ern: Good Morning Ernestine speaking
Client: I need to speak to Ashley, Kirk's assistant
Ern: Oh that's me and it's Ernestine
Client: Wasn't I talking to Ashley yesterday?
Ern: Nope, it was still Ernestine yesterday

Ern is walking on 8th Ave and sees a drunk homeless guy with a bunch of troll dolls on his cane:

Hobo: Hey beautiful!
Ern: Hi!
Hobo: You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen
Ern: Thank You! That little comment just made my day!
Hobo: How about making my day by giving me some change?
Ern: Um..I'm sorry I don't have any
Hobo: .......

Did you do your Taxes?

As everyone knows, taxed are due tomorrow (May 1st). On Friday, Kirk was doing his - as a result, we came up with this list about how to remind oneself when taxes are due:

- The water in the toilet starts rotating the opposite way
- Shakira breaks her hip
- H&R Block locations start randomly exploding
- Ern's mom gets very antsy
- Ern and Mitchell's mom are playing more rounds of Mah Jong
- At 8:59PM people in Canmore run around in different directions
- People stop wearing UGG boots
- Random Asian diseases are popping up again ie: SARS, Bird Flu etc

Also, Ern's bosses bought her this for Staff Appreciation Day:

It's name is Gloria, but you have to sing the name in an opera style...

On Friday night, it was Amar's Birthday! TONS of great pictures, which Amar still has yet to send, but Mitchestine did get to briefly bask in adoration from two of our faithful fans Karen and Christina!! Remember, comment comment comment! As soon as pictures become available, we will be sure to post.

Saturday was Jeff's Birthday! He's off to Hawaii now, and also did not yet send any pictures. Things got a bit silly though, and we do have some quotes!

Birthday Quotes!

Amar: The only way to get good marks in University is to sleep with your professor.
Mitchell: Yeah, that's what I call extra curriculum.

Overheard in the background: Coles sells books... books and ass.

Faggy McPurse: Let's do it again for the lady.
(referring to a really lame handshake that Ern expressed an interest in.)

Jodie: London Drugs of Latter Day Saints

And finally, occasional Mitchestine reader Jeremy expressed his discomfort with Mitchestine using the term "Bitches":

"it more just makes me uncomfortable. The same way I feel when I see a guy at Twisted with long blond hair, a shirt made of fishnets and glitter all over his body and he says to his friends "Let's get a drink bitches." or something to that effect."

Ouch Jeremy... very ouch.

Let's get a drink Bitches!!

Ern has an ear infection and TMJ or TJM no wait both...

2006-04-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Commissioner of Oath - Annual Renewal Payment;
Second Cup Investment Minerals Foundation; and

Jo effing San bitches! Happy Wednesday! Although, is there anything happy about it?

Does everyone know that this week is the official "Staff/Administrative Appreciation Week"? Yep for all of you that have an assistant give her/him a good slap on the ass!! Mitchell gave Julie a half eaten sandwich from Safeway and screamed "Quiet you!" and I got my boss' cold (which explains the ear infection).

Julie says: "Thanks Mitchell!"

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell has been scanning through old surveillance tape to look for two missing BIC pens.

Does everyone know that this weekend is the Birthday Bitches weekend? Yes our little girls Jeff and Amar is growing up way too fast. Remember back in 89' when we all wore our pink Sunday dresses and had a tea party? Oh wait..didn't we do that last week except with Sheesha?

Ern has a horrible ear infection that lead to TMJ (which she diagnosed herself) .. ugh she's such a delicate flower!

Quotes

Mitchell: Good morning Bill, how are you?
Bill: I'm busier than a two-dollar hooker at a Shriners Convention.
Mitchell: I have no clue what that means

Linda: Ern I saw your twin!!
Ern: No you didn't
Linda: Yes I did! She worked at Home Depot. I thought it was you at first but I know you would never work at Home Depot...you would probably work at Holt Renfrew definitely not a Home Depot
Ern: Wow that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Linda: Oh you're easy to please!
Ern: :)

Ern: I have an ear infection and I've diagnose myself with TMJ or TJM or both
Mitchell: Ugh..TMI
Ern: What does that mean?
Mitchell: Too much information!

Caren: Oh Ern you curled your hair!
Ern: Thanks for noticing
Caren: You look so damn young today
Ern: How young?
Caren: Jail bait
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Top 5

Top 5 Things Ern says on a Daily Basis:

5- "No one said anything nice about my ___" (the blank refers to anything relative to her hair, outfit, makeup etc.)
4- "Jo Man"
3- "Jo San"
2- "It sounds gross, but it isn't" (usually referring to random Asian foodstuffs that often involve an unborn animal)
1- "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me"

Mitchestine and the Pussy Cats!

Daily Momo ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell:

I'm doing fine, I'm really getting over my Tim's addiction, which I'm really proud about. Shat talking about it makes it worse, maybe I'm not completely over it. Anyway I made my green tea really strong this morning because I am TIRED from moving. Still sore from yoga too.

Everyone watch ANTM tonight!!!! They're going to Thailand..you know Home of the Trannys! Jade will fit right in.

Also everyone come party with Mitchestine this Friday at Twisted!

You may leave the catwalk...

2006-04-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Hotel California Inc - Admission Information
Employee #38096
Draft (Nice Ern, very creative)

To start with, I would like to personally apologize for the picture of the Placenta on last week's post. Yes, Mitchestine found it just as gross as everyone else. We are only human. Does anyone watch The Flavor of Love? Oh no... ooooh no. At 9:30 in the morning there's not much else on, but I feel my mind has instantly been poisoned by watching 30 minutes of this:

Anyway, time to get to the quotes:

(while Ern is eating Sushi) Kirk: Did you make that?
Ern: Yes

(while looking at a tin of tea leaves)
Brent: ERNESTINE! Is this marijuana?
Ern: Yes, you know me
Brent: Good *laughs* roll me a one when I get back
Ern: Sure!

Kirk: Are those new shoes?
Ern: yes! Cherie got the same pair in black
Kirk: You look better in them
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me :)
Kirk: You say that about everything...where's my circular??

Wow, that's all of the quotes so far. We'd also like to wish a very happy birthday to Amar and Jeffy (left to right)!

Tom Kitten!

2006-04-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:

Yummy Yum Yum Trust Cheque Transaction
OLP Hostile Takeover - Probated Documents
Tip of the Day: An Ern is Forever

Jo Sandigity! Happy hump day! A huge congratulations to TomKat on their new baby girl, Suri Cruise! I'm still not 100% sure how to pronounce Suri would it be Soo-ree or like the city Surrey? Hmm regardless she's going to get teased a lot in school. Also does everyone know that Tom Cruise is going to eat the placenta? What's a placenta you ask? Here let me show you!

What's new with Mitchestine?

Mitchell and I bought a French Press yesterday for work! It was $9.98 at Superstore...hell yes! And I bought a cheap yoga mat.

Mitchell is addicted to the song "So Contagious" by Acceptance and Ern is officially a Geisha.

ANY BIDS? :)

Also, Mitchell has decided to go find himself by going skydiving on May 6, 2006. While he is skydiving he has requested that the song Breathe by Michelle Branch be played in the background.

Quotes McFarts!

Courier guy: Trouble spelt backwards starts with a capital E (referring to Ern)
Ern: Heh...*nervous laughter*

Cherie: Was your mom a Geisha?
Me: Hahahahha I can't believe you just asked me that.

This isn't really a quote, but Sally has been calling our Controller
"Ralph" this entire time, when his name is actually "Rauf".

Ern: OMG TomKat had their baby!! and he's eating the placenta..right now.
Karen: Ern, you're the second person today that mentioned the placenta!!! How pathetic is he?He's trying waaaayyyyyy too hard to convince us he's straight.
Ern: Isn't the mom supposed to eat the placenta?
Karen: Nobody is supposed to be eating the placenta!!!

Random Momo thoughts by Old Lady Mitchell

"Here's what I want to buy - a pair of jeans (probably girls because they don't really make them for guys) that are really long and tapered so that I can roll them up so that they are kind of like cutoffs."

Today's Eff You

- A&G clothing line - umm an ACDC shirt is $260 USD um yeah eff you!
- Urban Outfitters - $40 USD for a pair of shoes and $70 USD for shipping - yes what the eff?
- Eclipse gum. Eww.

Mitchell's Positive TOP 5

- No lineup at the Tim's Drive thru and almost no rush hour traffic
- I'm not as sore as I was yesterday from yoga
- I saw hot-Audi boy in the Tim's parking lot
- I have lots of work to do today so I will be productive and hopefully not bored to tears.
- I closed a big deal within 20 minutes of starting work today

One of Perez's comments about the name Suri (TomKat's kid):

Well in Canada we pronounce Surrey the way its spelled, not Sorry. It is also a suburb of Vancouver where a lot of crime happens. (I think, I don't live there but wouldn't move there either.) Who knew tom had a kinship with downtrodden Canadian suburbs?

Daily Creepy Messages!

Subject Line: waz up I am an avid reader, a huge music fan

From: Mr. No Sex
To: Mitchell

I am simple man who loves life as it is. Wish it were different, but it is not. I have a passion for pictures and stories. Sometimes, I thin that I am becoming older, like in eging. If you are capable of travelling just to be with me...then YOU must be the one meant for me... Sex will come later after I get to know you more. So don't ask me about sex.

Subject Line: Hello
From: Mr. Italy
To: Ern

hello hello, i'm italian, i'd like to discover you...but do you have webcam? i do it. yes i like to play on webcam..do you want? if yes..woww you are so beautiful..ehm do you have msn or yahoo..? give me so i add you on my list..a big kiss from italy

Everyone watch ANTM tonight!!! - Later Bitches!!

Jo Sunday!

2006-04-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
"At a Glance" Switchboard Procedures
Jo Sanny McManny
Nine Publishing Inc. - National Sales Office Request
Bubble Tea Transaction

Jo Manji! I hope everynoe enjoyed their long weekends! I (Mitchell) am updating the blog today, because my computer finally works again! Mitchestine went to Hot Yoga again on Saturday, and it was much hotter than last time. Oh and there were much hotter guys there this time too. Uncle Jo San was there again, and he was breathing just as heavily as ever.

Microdermatastic! It's Sunday, and that means Aveda Tourmaline Masks!

So So So Scandalous. I'm reading this book right now, and although it's a bit preachy, it's very interesting. It's not like a "Doctor's Book of Home Remedies" or anything like that, it's more of an expose on the corruption of Pharmecutical companies who control EVERYTHING, including the government, media. It all sounds very brainwashy, so I reccommend that anyone who reads it take it with a grain of salt.

Creeeepy. Ern wants to get this bizarre contraption to stretch her pants. No deal. It's weird.

Alrighty, let's get to the Quotes:

Ern: Sate means Hot/Spicy in Vietnamese.
Mitchell: That's a lie.

Ern: Look at this picture of Mitchell I bought him this cat.
Ern's Mom: Mitchell is very handsome, why are his teeth so damn white? they're even whiter than yours.
Ern: :(
Mitchell (upon reading of this conversation): I love your Mom more than ever.

Ern: How big is 16 inches?
Mitchell: That's what he said.

Manager at the gym: Hey good looking!
Ern: Hey hows it going?
Manager: Nice skirt
Erm: Thanks!
Manager: Thats a really big bruise (I have a huge one on my shin b/c I don't know how to walk up the stairs..yes UP) - Did your boyfriend do that?
Ern: Yes... I mean no.

Yoga Instructor (to Ern): I like your Water Bottle.
Ern: Thanks!
Mitchell: .........

And finally... this contribution comes from Mitchestine reader IrrationalJ. These are sweaters knit by Mormons. Although sweaters for penguins may seem superfluous, they apparently had their feathers damaged... oh who the hell cares, they are EFFING ADORABLE.

Read more here:
http://www.lds.org/newsroom/showrelease/0,15503,3881-1-23227,00.html

Have a fantastic week bitches!!

Tilda and The Week is Half Over!!

2006-04-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:

- Miss Butterworth v. Hello Kitty
- Draft Agreement (From Tuesday)
- Executed Documents for Senõr Jo Sanny (From Monday)
- Today's Special: Meridian Crabs for Sale (From Friday)

Jo Sanny world! Thanks to our faithful reader/commenter Angy for keeping on top of us. Mitchestine is indeed overdue for an update, and oh, the hilarious antics to talk about...

Please note* if anyone chooses to threaten us (this means you Angy) please make sure to enclose one or more of the following:

- A handwritten note in blood;
- A condom;
- Thousand year old eggs (yeah you know what I'm talking about);
- A picture of you trying to hurt a Fat Chinese Fortune Cat; and/or
- Flavoured Tabacco, we like Pink Lemonade.

Or else we can't take you seriously.

So Ern has been very busy at work today, Mitchell has to some extent, but just hasn't been melodramatically complaining about it all day... Mitchestine went to Hot Yoga on Saturday and got all sweaty and bendy.

Then we had another Sheesha night last night with Jeffy and Amar. That's all irrelevant though - we know what you are here for... QUOTES!

Oh we added a new section! Mean things Mitchestine's Mom Says/Does

Quotes from The Office:

Cherie: Oh your hair looks very volumed and teased today!
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Ern: My boss says they're opening a BEBE store in Calgary
Mitchell says: Boo to Bebe. That store annoys me, although it will probably give a nice break to all the Asians who sport TnA like it's going out of style (...which it is).

Ern: We should start a treat day on this floor
Cherie: I know! we are the only floor that doesn't have treat day!
Ern: Or how about a healthy day?
Cherie: What the hell are you going bring? Bok Choy?
Ern: :(

The afternoon Ern went to the doctor's

Kirk (in his office screaming): Ernestine!!
Lola (replacement for 1/2 the day): I guess that's me..

Quotes from Sheesha!

Jeff: is that guy gay?
Ern: Yes
Jeff: You're the only straight person at this table........................again
Ern: :(

Ern: How many bikinis are you going to bring to Hawaii?
Jeff: About 7, well 7 sets but 14 pieces. I like to mix and match

Amar: Yeah last time it was really ashy.
Waitress: Yeah, the hose had probably been used to much

Ern: (freaking out because the coal is sparking)
Waitress: Don't worry... although it's probably going to blow all over you.... Just kidding.

Mean things Mitchestine's Mom Says/Does

Mitchell: I'm going to wash my car
Mitchell's Mom: Of course you are.

Ern wakes up one morning and finds a bunch of Post-Its all over the house written DIET.

Ern: Are those reminder notes for you or me?
Ern's Mom: Both - but mainly you
Ern: :(

Today's TOP 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern happy in the morning

- Fibre 1 Cereal
- Perfectly teased hair
- Listening to some hardcore rap while getting ready
- Omega 3, 6 and 9
- 20 minutes Jo San Pilates

Pictures from the Sheesha/Girl's Night!

Two more sleeps until the effing long weekend!

Mmm mmm can I please have another slice of that Bitch's Delight?

Bye bitches!!

Happy Weekend!! Rain Rain Go Away..

2006-04-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:

-Cute without an E Inc. - Rush Package
-People v. Ms. Pink Easter Bunny - Revised Noting in Default
- Sheesha Mc Beesha - Registration Confirmed
- FW: SUSPECT: Re: Today's Special: Meridian Crabs for Sale

Jo San and Pass that Sheesha Bitches!! I hope everyone is enjoying the irregular postings of Mitchestine. Just think of it as delayed pleasure - you go for several days without any, then all of a sudden you get a super concentrated dose and then you have to change your underwear. What?

ANTM Gossip Corner

WTF? How is Ms. Drag Queen still on the show? Also WTF is up with her Queen hand wave hen she was suppose to improvising.

Maybe its just me but Nenna doesn't seem as innocent as we all think. Also, her boyfriend has ot to go! If there is anything Mitchestine and Models hate its possessive boys! Ugh this gossip corner will not hold up without China..I kinda miss her.

Today's Chinese Proverb from Old Man Mitchell

For every pound that Ern loses, a sad Asian gains two.

Quotes!!

Bruce: I'm sick
Ern: Sanitize your hands!
Bruce: No!

Julie: What is that effing ringing?? It sounds like a super old fashioned phone!
Mitchell: Yeah, it's 1930 calling.

Ern: Bring the baby in this Friday I want to see her!
Bruce: Maybe....I don't think my wife trust you with her
Ern: I can baby sit!
Bruce: Did you baby sit when you were a teenager?
Ern: No, but I did read the complete set of the Baby Sitter's Club

Mitchell: I've decided that I hate Star Jones because I'm jealous of her life. I want to get my stomach stapled. You must hate her because you want a flaming husband.

Mitchell: Can you please input this booking into Fidelio?
Julie: Do you want fries with that?

Jen: I can't picture Mitchell being gay

Mitchell: How does it know every number?
Ern: It's fun eh? Just keep playing with it until it comes.

Today's Eff You!

- K&B
- Forgetting the straw for my coffee this morning (Mitchell)
- People that insist on making an invigorate "AAAHhhhhhhhh" sound after they have a drink of water.
- Starbuck's Caramel Macchiato

Top 5 Things that Make Mitchell Less Grumpy in the Morning:

5- Other Grumpy People (that's right - unnecessarily cheery people piss me off in the morning)
4- Watching people slip and fall on the ice
3- Coffee
2- Daylight
1- Coffee

Mitchestine tried Hot Yoga at the Bodhi Tree this Saturday and it was really fun until Mitchell farted.

Quotes from Yoga:

The guy sitting next to Ern: Namaste
Ern: Namaskar!

Yoga Instructor: While doing this pose pretend your holding a big box.

Things to bring to Hot Yoga

Lots of water
A Towel
A Mat
A Kitty

Have a super weekend bitches!!

Ern's toe is broken...

2006-04-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

Today's Subject Line: People v. Ms. Pink Easter Bunny - Revised Noting in Default

Jo Mama blog world! I understand everyone is still upset about Mitchestine not being a daily updated blog..but that's life.

There is a broken bone in my fourth toe and Mitchell is looking for a new place to crash. (Update: Ern is being a drama queen about her toe, it's not actually broken)

Amarchestine went to Med Cafe last night and what an experience it was. For those of you who are not familiar with Med Cafe (located near Vicious Circle) its a cafe where you smoke flavored tobacco out of a huge bong, this practice is called Sheesha.

Sketchy and fun? Absolutely! We tried Mango Strawberry and it was effing delicious! It was practically inhaling bubble tea..wait were we? If there is one thing the Amarchestine enjoy it is Bubble Tea and filling out lungs with smoke.

Quotes!

In Michael Kors-

Ern: Where are we going?
Amar: Med Café
Ern: What? We are actually going somewhere? I thought we were going to smoke up in a culdesac..in the North East

While leaving Med Café-

Amar: I hate the rain, it makes my hair frizzy.
Homeless Guy (appearing out of nowhere): Try living outside.

Jay: (Talking about a Holt Renfrew Guy-Girl Singles Mixer) "Umm. Clearly no. We should send little Won-ton so she can pick-up a Triad kingpin with a Prelude so her mother will love her."

(Little Wonton = Ern)

Kirk: Why aren't you going to the gym today?
Ern: What is that suppose to mean?
Kirk: Ugh...your massive! You can barely fit in that chair
Ern: :(

Roland: Wow, that's a great suit.
Mitchell: You always compliment me on my outfit, that's my favorite part of my job.
Roland: ...

Bruce: Where's Jon? Jen (Jon's assistant): He went for coffee
Bruce: When?
Jen: About 10 minutes
Bruce: Nope, your absolutely wrong.

Sandy: Yeah, Heidi had a surgery about a year ago... on her girly parts.
Mitchell: Gross.

This is your Canadian Idol; Manorexia..

You voted for him.

TOP 5

- A big shlong
- Deep sexy radio voice
- No crusties on the side of his mouth
- Enjoys the taste of chicken feet at Dim Sum
- Makes more than 1.8 million dollars a year

Can you guess what today's TOP 5 is?

Today's Eff You

- Ern's hair
- Ern's broken toe (as mentioned above - not actually broken)
- Mitchell's hand cream, which never used to smell bad but now it does

How fast can you get lady wood?

Mmm...hmm

Everyone watch America's Next Top Model tonight!~

P.S. Why the hell is our sidebar on the bottom of the blog?

Mitchestine are dunzo!!

2006-04-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

Today's Subject: RE: Trust Cheque - Wonton Corporation

Well we're not officially dunzo...but the Mitchestine have decided that we won't be updating this blog as frequently anymore. Both of us have huge commitment problems (ie: boys, relationships, high speed internet, cell phone plans, gym memberships and etc.) who would've thought a blog would be hard to keep up? So instead of having daily updates we will make an honest effort to update once every 3 or 4 days..but definitely once a week! The content of the blog will still remain the same ie: fun quotes, top 5's, ANTM gossip and random crap.

A huge thank you to our dedicated readers: Jeffy, Angy, Chrissy, Rebecca, Sonia, Jay, Amar, Malinda, that dude in Taiwan..we sincerely appreciate the support. We love you guys!!

For the mean time feel free to visit Ern's new blog http://www.ernestine.blogsource.com

Anyway enough of this emo BS lets get on with today's blog!

Quotes

Sandy: I met with your client last week, I told him you were the best dressed person in the hotel.
Mitchell: :)

I highlight the week I get my Kitty on my monthly calendar and I put a huge circle on the day I'm ovulating.

Bruce: Are those all the days you worked overtime?
Ern: Yes
Bruce: Whats with the big circle?
Ern: That is when Passover begins at Sundown
Bruce: What the hell?

Today's WTF?

As a committed reader to Askmen.com I am quite offended by one of today's article. They listed a TOP 7 Dating Books and here is one of them:

Yep..WTF was my same reaction. This Asian broad thinks she can speak on behalf of every Asian girl out there! Ugh. The first chapter discusses our non-existing eyelid folds. I immediately sent an e-mail to Mitchell and this was his response:

OMG That's the weirdest book ever!!
The girl on the cover is so ugly!

Have you "Explored" the book inside? I want to read the Chapter 12 -Eleven Things You Should Never Say To An Asian Lady. HAHA That would be awesome.

11) Can you help me with my math homework?
10) What's going on with my computer?
9) Is it true you have horizontal bum cracks? OMG The first part of Chapter 1 is the "Asian Eyelid Fold"!!

Click here to purchase the book. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0971580804/ref=ase_askmencommagazin/103-3659793-1553442?s=books&v=glance&n=283155&tagActionCode=askmencommagazin

Ern says: When I was younger I use to tape my eyelids so I would look less Asian.
Mitchell says: When I was younger I taped my eyelids so I would look MORE Asian.

Today's EFF YOU
- Mitchell's computer it finally crashed..forever
- Ern's hair

Check out these dog flowers!

That's it for now! Bubble Tea bitches!

Yay Mitchell didn't puke at Twisted!!

2006-04-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

Jo san everyone!!! Happy weekend. We didn't get a chance to update on Thursday or Friday b/c we were just simply lazy. I went to the Flames game on Friday night and it was fun. How odd that some people get really into it..the most you can get out of me is a 'woo' when they score.

Mitchell and I got our hair did this week and we look amazing!

So China is finally gone!!

Ugh. Finally - it was soo dreadful watching her pose with that effing measuring tape. Girl come on! I have to give her props for standing up for herself when the Tranny was hating her. However, now that China is out of the way I guess I am routing for the Tranny..isn't she part Asian? Half Tranny half Asian? - I really can't hate on China she is Mitchestine's second cousin...Jeff's first cousin.

Oh the whole Nenna part barely anything! Puhleese she merely pecked the hot model. Her boyfriend sounds like a possessive little Kitty. Wait a minute is her boyfriend Kitty?

Quotes

Bruce: So you got your hair done Ern: Yep thanks for noticing Bruce: Yeah Kirk made me say something or you'll pout all day Ern: :(

At Twisted

Mitchell: Would you ever hit a girl?
Chris: No, but I would beat up a dyke

Ern chatting it up with some Saskatoonians

Ern: So have you been to any other gay bars in Calgary?
Heather: Yeah, the Back Alley
Ern: That's not a gay bar
Heather: It's not?

Uncle Jo San says: Don't forget to set your clock back bitches!!

So Mitchell and I went to Twisted last night and we had a lot of fun as usual. Mitchell didn't puke on my jeans, his jeans, Amar's jeans, the bouncer, or anyone at Twisted! We're quite proud of our little girl! We saw a girl with a t-shirt that said "Eat Pussy" how odd Mitchell and I have the same t-shirt in pink.

It would of been 10x more fun our dearest Jeff and Sonia was there but Amar did show up and we yes love him more than you guys now! Speaking of Amar a huge congratulations to him on getting accepted to a very prestigious hoidy toidy internship in Montreal! Sounds like a long weekend trip for the Mitchestine..

Random message from Myspace.com

From:
Dude

Date:
Apr 1, 2006 7:58 PM

Subject:
No Subject

Body:
Hey Saw your profile and thought you were interesting, and would like to get to know you. If your interested "add me up" on msn at dude@hotmail.com Cheers Name

Yes I am interesting - Thank you!

TOP 5

Top 5 nicknames for Ern

- The Asian girl on floor 40
- Little Wonton
- Miss eat a lot
- HuynhE (pronounced Hwin-E)
- Big E

Top 5 things Mitchestine do at Twisted

- Smoke a whole pack of cigars
- Have random straight and gay men rub up against us with a boner
- Ask people for a light
- Dance in the shower
- Refill our "O. J."

Okay enjoy the rest of this beautiful Chinook weekend bitches!

It was not a conference call..

2006-03-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

Jo Mana! Wow we've been kinda lazy about this whole blog thing. Reasons?

Mitchell is in a conference call all week;
Ern has to actually work at work.. in fact I stayed over time today; and
We are both on our Kitty this week! Ugh its a heavy day tomorrow.

We have a few quotes but the highlight of this blog is the messages I've been getting on Myspace.com

Quotes!

Cherie: Have some chocolates
Ern: No I can't, I'm on my boot camp diet
Cherie: Ugh. Just eat some no one thinks your fat but you
Ern: My mom does
Cherie: What the hell does she want you to eat all day? Bok Choy?!?!

Tina McMina: This family is staying with us. They're Oriental so they're going to be difficult.

Random Messages

From: Dude #1

Date: Mar 20, 2006 6:05 PM

Subject: HEY ERN^^

Body: sup! how's going~ this is name btw and i live in calgary, canada i saw your page which kind of interesting to me and you look realli cute and pretty actually^^ i was wondering would you mind if make up as friend ? and it's interesting that we both all live in canada~!! hehe anyway i hope i could hear from you again ~ cya

~name~

Umm.. 8 days later from the same dude.

From: Dude #1

Date: Mar 28, 2006 11:59 AM

Subject: sup ern

Body: hey wat's up ern^^ haven't hear from you for long time... how have you been doing? busy eh!!! but don't forget me while your busy with doing some other things..alright>.<

~name~

From: Dude #2

Date: Mar 25, 2006 9:08 AM

Subject: Hi Ern :)

Body: You are absolutely breathtaking...I am practically rendered speechless by your beauty. You and I should definately have dinner together. I think we would get along perfectly :)

If there is anything I enjoy in life it's obviously a free dinner!

Today's Eff You!

So the Mitchestine planned an awesome blossom girl's night for this Saturday which invloves Wine, Twisted, Boys and Kitty. We've invited the best of the best but apparently everyone has other plans. We kitty you guys a lot..but at this moment we're quite upset.

- Jeff and his poutine;

- Sonia and her PowerPoint; and

- Amar and his work.

So Mitchell and I are getting our hair did this week and ironically we both bought a pair of Sevens today. We sincerely did not plan any of this it must be the Kitty or our Mitchestine ESP crap.

Mitchestine will be making a special appearance at Twisted (April 1st) this Saturday night! Everyone come and party with us Bitches!

P.S. Everyone watch America's Next Top Model so we can gossip mossip tomorrow!

STD is coming to town!!

2006-03-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

Mitchestine Huynett v. Swiss Chalet - Early Court Meeting

Jo San! Back to work Monday..ugh Saves the Day is coming to Calgary! I'm so excited they were all I listened to during high school. The weekend was quite relaxing and melaxing. Mitchell bought some bitchin Prada sunglasses and I bought bubble tea.

Kitty left on a hoidy toidy business trip this morning..I hate to say this but I'm a little bit just a TINY little bit sad. So sad that I accidentally put his wool sweater in the dryer..now its the perfect size for my puppy. Ugh I feel awful however, this is not the first wool sweater of his that I've shrunk. So apparently you're suppose to soak the shrunk sweater in cold water with hair conditioner and slowly stretch it out...

25 minutes later..

Nothing! Eff! Now I just have a tiny grey sweater that smells like Aveda conditioner. Eff!

So Jeff went to Twisted this weekend and here are the details:

Jeff says: this chick that I was there with grabbed me to tell me we were leaving to go to Jerry's and I decided I wanted poutine more then I wanted a 3-some.

That is correct he chose poutine over a 3-some..

Quotes! - We always quote people in the office and tend to forget how funny we truly are...

Ern: I'm sorry I shrunk your wool sweater...
Kitty: Oh yeah don't worry about it, its not the first time.

I told Mitchell the above quote this is how he interpreted the conversation:

Ern: I'm sorry I shrunk your wool sweater...
Kitty: Marry me!

Mitchell: Ern, is there anywhere to get Bubble Tea on Sunday at 7pm?

Mitchell says: I think not straightening your hair makes anyone ugly by default.
Ern says: Probably, which is why we both abuse our hair straighteners
Mitchell says: I know, it's horrible abuse.

Quotes from work!

Kirk: Ern, I don't want to work today
Ern: Me neither, lets go outside and play!
Kirk: Yeah lets go to playground and go on a dirty slide

Sandy (on the phone): His last name is what? Him?...Win? ...What??
Mitchell (near her listening): HUYNH.

Bruce: You spelt my name wrong on both trays!
Ern: It was when I first started! So it doesn't count. - You don't even know how to pronounce my last name..
Bruce: That's because you don't!

Ern: What do you think of the jeans? They look really comfortable
Mitchell: If you ever feel comfortable it means you look ugly and fat

Ern: I'm sorry I was in the washroom
Bruce: Mmm hmm your a big pee-er.

Top 5

Top 5 things Mitchestine do on the weekend:

- Get manicures at ghetto Marvel
- Stuff our face with sushi
- Stuff our face with bubble tea
- Straighten our hair
- Apply Aveda mask

Today's Eff You

- Kitty's tiny tiny wool sweater
- Mitchell says: Eff Cold sores, even though I have never had one, they are gross to look at on other people.
- Umm.. Kitty's current cold sore
- Ern's tiny bladder :(
- Mitchell's e-mail server

If this picture of Star Jones doesn't make you laugh out loud I don't know what will.

*Please note: anyone can comment on Mitchestine. You do not need to be an effing blog user...bitches.

No More Cute Outfits for Mitchell...

2006-03-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Company Dress Code Policy - Revisions

Ern's says: Jo San everyone! Its about 11:00 AM right now - Mitchell's e-mail is currently down and Julie isn't around. So by default he e-mails and calls me 39475 times....each.

Mitchell says: Now it's 12:00pm exactly one hour after Ern's first contribution. Email is up, but Julie still isn't back and now I'm doing a Lost Business Report on my own... Ern and Mitchell are BOTH wearing all black today! I think the Mitchestine psychic connection kicked in and we both felt compelled to dress the same. I am going to try to dress in black more often because it matches my car! Oh but speaking of dressing, Head Office rolled out a new Dress Code policy, so no more cute outfits for Mitchell.

We sure have a lot of effing gossip to discuss. First off I understand that everyone watched ANTM last night. Seriously how is Gina still on the show? Did anyone else feel terribly bad for the fat lip girl that kept tripping in those heels? Ugh maybe its b/c I have weak ankles/knees but I felt my heart drop...when she twisted her ankle 14987 times.

Mitchell says: OH did you watch ANTM? I can't believe they are still keeping Gina, oh my gosh she is so stupid and if she doesn't do a complete 180 I'm going to fly to LA and take her off the show myself.

Yep Mitchell isn't lying and according to Caren "that boy holds no mercy!"

Quotes!!

Bruce: Whats with the all black?
Big E: I like it
Bruce: You going for that mysterious Asian girl look again?
Big E: Yes

Kitty 1.8: Going to the gym again?
Big E: You know me
Kitty 1.8: Do you ever feel intimidated by the men that workout at the gym?
Big E: No
Kitty 1.8: I'm sure they feel intimidated by you
Big E: Thanks! :)

Everyone knows that Kitty 1.8 is the biggest sleaze ball around. I like to be positive and turn that sleaziness into good ol' charm. Oh Kitty 1.8...

Sandy: What's this sitting on a fax machine?
Mitchell: It's a Credit Application for my 2007 Conference.
Sandy: Oh, they must be applying for credit with us.
Mitchell: Er... yeah, that's why they filled out a Credit Application.

Kitty (our crazy drug expert) and I went to Reef and Beef for dinner:

Ern: I'm going to eat this lamb off the bone and I don't care what you think
Kitty: Yeah go ahead

Today's Eff You!

- The Fog..ugh again??
- Auto Insurance
- CIBC

So at the end of the day Mitchell had to attend some hoidy toidy training. This is a real picture from his training manual:

Look innocent? Look again..

Yeah that's right! Chip Hospitality is clearly promoting low cut blouses in the office! Also the arrow indicates that South is the easy way to go.

HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND BITHCES!

Miu Miu / Michael Kors is MAD!

2006-03-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: The People v. Veronica Lodge - Draft Statement of Claim

Jo San! No update yesterday b/c both Mitchell and I had to actually work at 'work'. How ironic. I wore a hoe-y looking skirt today and Mitchell had to do his own filing! Mitchell is considering to change Miu Miu's name to Michael Kors..but thats just an awful name. We might as well call the car Phatty.

The week is halfway over, thank goodness. Only two sleeps until the weekend! Everyone watch America's Next Top Model tonight!!

We added a new section! For absolutely no reason at all I get random messages (usually from random men in far far away countries) on websites I've foolishly signed up for ie: Myspace, Face-pic, Friendster and etc..Mitchell suggested these messages are clog-worthy what do you guys think??

Quotes!!

Sandy: I've been trying for years to act really religious so they would give me Easter Monday off.
Jan: I don't know what to get my Dad for his birthday. I think I might get him a Mobster Book.
Sandy: A Lobster book??

Bruce: Hey Big E
Ern aka Big E: Hey

TOP 5

Top 5 Things That Mitchell Says At Work:

5 - Did you watch (insert applicable TV show) last night?
4 - Fantastic.
3 - Good Morning!
2 - Hi, how are you... good thanks!
1 - That's a dirty, rotten lie.

Top 5 ways to know that Ern is having an unproductive work day:

5 - Read Pink every two minutes starting at 8:30AM until its updated (usually at 1PM)
4 - Read every article written by David D'angelo on Askmen.com for the 747314th time
3 - Mix random tea bags together (I discovered that Chai Tea is Crap Tea!)
2 - Revises her workout schedule for the 27280th time
1 - Listens to House music and goes into hour long trance while staring at Crabby (the only thing fun at her desk)

Today's Eff You!

- Ern's hair
- Ern's hoe-y looking skirt
- Ern's lunch; the Asian noodles turned out to be Spaghetti wtf?

Random Messages

From:
Creepy #1

To:
Ern

Subject: hello
Date: 21 Mar 2006 23:14

hi sweety looking very nice just a dream come true i really want to get to know u if u have msn that xxx

From:
Creepy #2

To:
Ern

Subject: Hello
Date: 22 Mar 2006 14:36

Hey Ern Came across your profile and found it quite interesting,i'm not a guy of many words, but would like to know a bit more about you and maybe chat sometime if you're free to do so.Feel free to mail me back on here or alternativley on creepy@hotmail.com. Hope to chat soon

*Please note that I do not alter the body of these e-mails at all and for obvious reasons I have to hide their e-mail and identity.

Enjoy the Chinook everyone!!

Mitchell and Mitchell - Mitchell is the chubby one

2006-03-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

Jo San everyone! Happy back to work Monday! Mitchestine had such a delightful weekend. Mitchell and I got our bi-weekly manicure and its amazing how many wonderful quotes we've collected in one day.

Mitchell is in Canmore all day today and tomorrow. This means he gets to spend more time with his sassy Spanish assistant; Tina McMina. Today she was wearing a rather large sombrero, with a burrito in her hand and Mitchell found her donkey hiding in the coat room.

Oh by the way, Miu Miu (Mitchell's new car) is effing AMAZING! I love her. I love her toxic new car smell and Mitchell is probably extreme petting her right now.

So for the last two nights I've been having odd dreams about Kitty, not the most recent Kitty but um lets call him Crack Kitty (that should be obvious enough) anyway, he was trying to make me buy the RENT soundtrack..how oddly romantic. ba hum bug

Fantastic quotes from the weekend!

Mitchell: Are you ready now?
Ern: Yeah I guess but my hair will look like crap
Mitchell: Oh whatever it always does
Ern: That is the meanest thing you've ever said to me.

Ern: Hi I'm calling to confirm my appointment tomorrow at 3
Lady: For who?
Ern: Ernestine and Mitchell
Lady: Do you mean Mitchell and Mitchell?
Ern: Yeah I guess that works

Mitchell: Just for one day I wish I was that little Asian girl over there. I would be worry free and I can watch Sailormoon all day.

At Marvel when Ern went to the washroom:

Bitch Teacher (Andrea): You have Mitchell, go see if Ashely can take another appointment. Student: Who does she have?
Andrea: The other Mitchell.

So another manicure lady was having a convo with her client and talking really loud:

Manicure lady: So back to when you got raped
Everyone: *Dead awkward silence*
Manicure lady to everyone: Oh no! it was a dream
Everyone: *Awkward laughter however, Ern was laughing extremely loud*

Actions tend to speak louder than words especially in the office. I (Ern) tend to do this face a lot in the office:

Quotes from The Office on Monday.

Ern: Its double sided
Kirk: Oh yeah thats Phat, yeah I said it thats Phat with a P H
Ern: Yeah..
Kirk: Close my door
Ern:

Switchboard: Switchboard paging Terry Mo....uh.. sorry Terry McDonald

Caren: So what did Mitchell end up naming his new car?
Ern: Miu Miu
Caren: Spelt M I U?
Ern: Yep
Caren: Oh just like the fashion house - I like that boy....a lot.

Bruce: Whats up with the swank sweater?
Ern:

TOP 5

Top 5 things the Mitchestine love:

- Aveda Clay Masque
- Miso Soup
- Healthy Hoof Hoof Cream
- Mixing random tea bags together
- Extreme petting

Top 5 things that insecure men say to women:

- Are you mad at me?
- What are you thinking of?
- I don't know, what do you want to do?
- What are you thinking of?
- What are you thinking of?

Mitchestine Jeff!

We miss our #1 reader, our friend but most importantly the third person in our three some.

Thats all for now Bitches! Stay warm.

Patty's Farewell Party and Miu Miu

2006-03-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: RE: Corporate Discount re: Houston Rates

Jo San! So this is real time aka 9:59 AM. Mitchell is purchasing his car new tonight! I'm super excited b/c if you know anything about me you know how much I like new car smell. Mitchell is going to Patty's going away party today at the Cactus Club. I don't know how this blog will hold without Patty's snappy remarks.

Oh we officially named Mitchell's new car to Miu Miu. The old car's name was Donatella. Speaking of Donatella here is a good quote that happened during our one of our girl's night.

*On the phone with Jeff in Mitchell's old car*

Ern: We're almost downtown just look for Mitchy's car
Jeff: What does it look like?
Ern: Uh..her name is Donatello
Mitchell: It's Donatella!!

We added a new subheading - Statistics!

Quotes

Ern: Whats up with the no shaving?
Bruce: I don't like to shave

Statistics

Number of people that complimented on Ern's skirt: 7
Number of people that complimented on Mitchell's skirt: 0

Number of people that wish Mitchell a Happy Chinese New Year on a daily basis: 11
Number of people that ask Ernestine how to fix their computer on a daily basis: 4

Today's Eff You

- Ern's hair - it was perfectly blow dried and teased until Mother Nature decided to eff it up.
- People that cough and sneeze in a gross bronchitis way on the C-train
- Kitty (yep you know which one!)

The Mitchestine are super tired we apologize for this half-ass blog entry. Everyone watch The Office tonight!

Have a SUPER weekend bitches!

Doctors and Lawyers

2006-03-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Toronto Changes re: Lambara Settlement

Introducing... The Office Antics of Mitchestine - IN REAL TIME! Well, not really, but Ern and I both realized that neither of us had the time (or commitment/self discipline) to update this blog every single night after work.

So now, during our excessive exchange of daily emails, we are going to basically write the blog so as we go that one of us just has to copy and paste it at the end of the night! (right now it's 3:08pm and I'm on a conference call).

So far today, Kirk swept himself away in his trademark drama queen ways, only to return hours later healthy as a horse. Speaking of horses I wish I was petting one right now. I had a three hour meeting with my lawyer talking about smoking meth scabs. Oh the glamorous lives of Doctors and Lawyers...

Alright, let's get to the quotes!!

Frank: I'm gonna head out now.
Mindy (Frank's boss): Okay, when are you going to be back?
Frank: Tomorrow...
Mindy: It's only 3:00pm!!
Frank: Yeah... I have some stuff to do...

**Update - I think Frank felt bad, because he's back in his office typing away diligently**

Trainer at the gym: Have you ever heard of Get Rich or Die Trying?
Ern: Yep that's a 50 Cent album
Trainer: I like to call this area (referring to the weights area) Get Ripped or Die Trying!!

Kirk: I love this song!
Ern: Me too! *adjust volume*
Kirk: Oh wrong one, I thought it was Interference
Ern: I've never heard of them but this is Green Day
Kirk: I know, I meant Interference as in static ie: the television
Ern: Oh I thought Interference was a band
Kirk: I already told you it wasn't
Ern :(

Ern: Who the eff is Lynn Truss?
Mitchell: Lynn Truss is like the Grammar Queen... no wait, that's me. Lynn Truss is the Grammar Princess.

Kirk: I can't see the ground (b/c its so foggy outside)
Me: Oh yeah that's kinda cool
Kirk Yeah like Star Wars
Me: I've never seen it
Kirk: the second one
Me: I haven't seen any of them
Kirk: but your Asian

Gossip Corner!

Yep - Britney and Kevin have stepped into the disgusting and dark depths of Michael Jacksonism.

Today's Eff You

- Eff all men that get on the elevator before me (Ern)

- Eff the fog! What the shit, it's so hard to see! (Mitchy)

- People who say "Anyways"... There's no "S" people! It's just"Anyway"!! (don't bother commenting if you think otherwise. This has been confirmed by THE Lynn Truss herself)

- Eff working over time! (Mitchell and I both worked overtime until 6 today. However, Mitchell called me 12974 times between 4:30 - 6:00 to tell me that he wished he was at the Zoo)

- What the eff? No comments with yesterday's awesome post??

Thats all for now Bitches!

Ugh and Your Face!

2006-03-14T17:59:00.001-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Fwd: RE: Research in Motion - 2006 Settlement

Jo San! There's a full moon today and a solar eclipse. I've already notice a change in people's behaviour this morning while riding the c-train.

Example #1 - I usually have to stand on the train b/c it gets crowded so fast but today I got a seat
Example #2 - A lot of cars were tailgating on 36th Street

Today was a very productive day for the both of us. I read all the previous e-mails Mitchell and I exchanged since last summer! Last year we were nothing but a flaming homo and an extremely emo girl... I'm glad thats changed now.

Quotes

Patty *talking about a client*: She's easily the ugliest person I have ever met. I'd rather look at a dogs behind.

Kirk: Can you lay the smack down on Grafton & Co.?
Ern: Huh?
Kirk: Yeah for my pants! They should be in by now but can you just double check?
Ern: Yeah sure
Kirk: Lay the smack down!!

Mitchell: This is the best coffee I've ever had from Tim Horton's... I hope that's a sign that I'm going to win something on Roll Up The Rim.
Kelly (Mitchell's sister aka the one suggested that Ern tries out for CNTM): Maybe the fact that it's such good coffee is reward enough.
Mitchell: What the eff? Who says that?!

Kirk: Okay you have 30 seconds to finalize this time batch or Jen is going to kick your ass
Ern: I can do it in 2 seconds plus I workout!
Kirk: Ooh fighting words

Mitchell: Can you please FedEx this, it needs to be priority overnight.
Julie: *sigh*

Mindy: Blah blah blah, cut myself and -
Julie: *screams while looking out the window* OH MY GOD IT'S A RABBIT.
Everyone: *blank stare*

Ern: Good afternoon, Ernestine speaking
Mitchell: OMG there's a bunch of cute boys in the lobby I'm going to prance around in my cute outfit.
Ern: I'm jealous
Mitchell: I'll call you later to tell you how many of them I kittied.

King Ham

Sandy: Who the hell is King Ham?
Mitchell: I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.
Sandy: You Cc'd this email to KingHam@blahblah.com
Mitchell: Uh, no. I sent the email to K - as in Keith - Ingham@blahblah.com
Sandy *looking stupid*: Oh. Well it still looks like King Ham.

Oh Sandy..

TOP 5

What does Ern's hardcore boot camp consist of? I'm glad you asked!

5. Eat 6 times a day
4. Replace all juice and bubble tea with water or green tea
3. Super set your upper body
2. Avoid thinking about boys b/c that adds on about 20 calories/per hour...per boy
1. Text message a homo (preferably Mitchell)

EFF YOUs of the Day

- Grafton
- Doing lunges b/c I (Ern) injured my knees
- People who don't push the chair back in after sitting in my (Mitchell's) office.

Thats all for today! Ciao Bitches!

Eff Mondays indeed.

2006-03-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Rolling 3 Month Action Plan (Mitchell used that same subject line about 12397912375 times)

Jo San! Mitchell and I did not hang out at all this weekend which was a refreshing boon. Today was very unproductive for the both of us. Mitchell spent the majority of his day looking for a new car and I spent all morning wrapping my boss' new baby gift. Oh speaking of babies I am a proud god mother to Mitchell's future car. He suggested that we name it Princess Sophia but that just an awful name. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Today is day #1 of Ern's Hardcore Get Fit-or- Die! Bootcamp. Today is the 13th and if there is any day to start anything hardcore its obviously the 13th. I am very determined to look good by May 28th aka my effing birthday BITCHES!

Gossip Corner

This isn't really gossip but this is possibly the hottest effing picture of Jake! I proudly kittied myself within 6.3 seconds after seeing this picture. Mitchell's record was 2.5 seconds. This picture was taken from PINK.

Quotes!

Ern's Mom: Why are Mitchell's thighs so much smaller than yours?
Ern: I don't know

Julie *talking about her Sister-In-Law's Mother*: I want to kick her in the face.

Kirk: You didn't notice my new shirt...AGAIN!
Ern: Oh well..if that's the second time you wore it than it's not new
Kirk: Woah...
Ern: You didn't notice my new skirt!
Kristos: Yes I did! Its effing sparkly..

Mitchell: Sometimes when people have pimples I say "Oops, you've got an m&m stuck to your face.

TOP 5

So I finished reading The Game this weekend. This is not an effing book that teaches you how to pick up women or play 'The Game'. Anyway this is my TOP 5 about the book and men in general:

5. Straight guys feel like crap after they masturbate
4. Any average chump can get any hot babe
3. Women probably have no idea how effing powerful they are
2. A woman will sleep with a man after roughly a total of 7 hours when meeting him (this could be in one night, or a combination of dates)
1. The Game is impossible to be played long term - every guy wants a faithful, devoted, fun loving long-term girlfriend or wife

Top 5 Things that Make Mitchell Miffed:

5- Bad Weather
4- Demanding People
3- Morning Shows on the Radio and TV
2- Unnecessarily loud noises
1- People that get in my way (Ie. Bad drivers, children)

EFF YOU of the day

- Justin (mmm hmm)
- Atlantis in Vancouver
- Ern's computer at work and at home
- Sunglass Hut (again)
- Shaw high speed internet
- Mitchell's effing long meeting

That's all for now Bitches!

Happy Weekend!

2006-03-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

Jo Man! Just a mini clog update for this weekend. Friday was very productive day for the both of us at the Office. Mitchell was in a 'conference call' and I'm almost finished reading The Game. For some odd reason this week I've been drinking a lot of effing coffee however, this will stop on Monday, March 13, 2006...details to come.

What's New?

We added a hit counter! This counter is effective today Saturday, March 11, 2006. However, if we were to count how many hits we've received since our first entry I think its roughly:

525,600 hits - How do you measure, how do you measure the worthy of a blog?

Answers and Comments to our Readers

WOW! Our highest number of comments received! four (4) !!!

Chrissy - Thanks for concerning about our Asian eyes! However, Mitchell and I flew to Thailand last long weekend and got the eye lid surgery done. His name was Dr. Mow Mow and he did a fantastic job in his basement.

Jeff - No problem! We're here for you Missy.

Angy - Thanks for making our blog one of the first things you read!

Quotes!

Kirk: You know the drill.. (referring to me going upstairs and doing Corporate searches)
Ern: It's already done! It's in your in box
Kirk: You were lucky this time. Next time you won't be so lucky

Mitchell also had a really good King Ham quote so good we are waiting to post it on Monday.

Eff You of the Day!

- Sick latte from Second Cup
- Stomach ache causing sushi from Sunterra
- Seeing Kitty (you know which one, but at least I was wearing a cute skirt)
- Sunglass Hut
- Tim Horton's and their ratio lie about winning the 'Roll up the Rim' contest

Random picture of Mitchell's feet!

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

Time Stands Still Downtown

2006-03-09T18:53:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: "Miss Butterworth's Weekly Newsletter" (WTF Ern?)

Ern got High Speed Internet today! Yes, that's right, there is a very good chance that she was the LAST person in Calgary to make the change, but that's irrelevant now. Here's a quote that happened only moments ago:

Shaw Guy: Wow, you really have a lot of pictures of yourself.
Ern: Yep!

So I'm taking a night off of bringing bread and water to Fiore customers, and updating the blog in Ern's absence. In other news, I got a cheque for $3.99 in the mail from the Government yesterday, and I finally won something on Roll Up The Rim To Win! Anyway, let's get started with:

Quotes!

Kirk: What the eff is wrong with our printer?
Ern: Everything
Kirk: Stop whatever your doing and burn it down!

Ern: Cherie and I got Meriam (Bruce's new baby) the cutetst outfit!
Kirk: Oh lets see
Ern: Cherie has it but its super cute and soft - something I would wear
Kirk: Oh it must be black.

Kirk: Thats unproductive
Ern: Applying lip gloss?
Kirk: Yes but I'm just kidding
Ern: Its not lip gloss its LIP VENOM!
Kirk: I don't care
Ern :(

Ern's Mom: What show is this?
Ern: America's Next Top Model - it's a show where girls compete to be models
Ern's Mom: Thats dumb
Ern: I like it! They have a Canadian one and a few people at work said I should try out for it
Ern's Mom: You won't make it

Mitchell: I've forwarded the lead to Daniel at Group Sales.
Patty: Yeah, he'll be all over that like a cheap suit.

Janice: Do you want some snow peas?
Mitchell: Yeah, I could use a "Pea" Break.

Earlier on in the day, Ern got a little Bipolar on the phone...

Mitchell: Jo San!
Ern: I hate everything about you.
Me: Err...
Ern: JO SAN! You're so hot right now.

And of course Mitchell's Mom and Ern's Mom were at it again:

Ern's Mom: Let's go buy food in bulk and write the wrong codes on the tickets to save money!
Mitchell's Mom: Deal!

Gossip Corner

So I'm assuming everyone watched America's Next Top Model last night. Okay seriously how did Gina make it this far?

"I love Asian men I hate Asian men" - Eff you!

Today's Eff You!

- Myspace.com
- Kitty (yeah you know which one...mmmm hmmm)
- Heath
- Ern's Bipolar-ness - Tim Horton's and their lies

Mitchell got fired from Fiore but got adopted from the friendly Chinese family that works at Cactus Club Cafe. Sometimes they feed him.

No Baby Time!

I'm going to download some Kitty now...

Bitch's Delight!

Better to be deprived of food for three days, than tea for one

2006-03-08T19:24:00.000-08:00

Jo Mama! Yesterday was our highest comments received three (3)! Without our faithful readers this would just be a blog about an emo girl and her homo friend. Thank you Cherie for today's title! She claims its a Chinese Proverb but it could've been easily from some any random Starbucks cup.

So last night Mitchell had a dream about having babies! I had a dream about a mini van, Kitty #1, Kitty #2, random Mexicans and whats Mexicans without Yayo?

Gossip Corner

Mitchell called me this morning to tell me that Pete (from Fall Out Boy) has random naked pictures of himself and he found out from a very reliable source (that knows Pete personally). Mitchell knew about this before Trent himself! This proves that Mitchestine is the new blog bitches!

Myself on the other hand, found out that Trevor and Sarah broke up! Trevor aka the Bachelor and Sarah aka the broad that he picked broke up 2 weeks after the finale episode aired! I know this personally because Trevor called me last night and deep talked me.

Today's Quotes

Mitchell's mom: Do you want to play a few rounds of Mah-Jong tonight?
Ern's mom: Yes

Ern: No! *slams the phone*
Kirk: Don't talk to Jennifer like that
Ern: That was my mom!
Kirk: Isn't her name Jennifer?
Ern: Yes

Kirk: Are you reading the bible?
Ern: Yes I am a very spiritual person
Kirk: Oh I never knew
Ern: No I'm actually reading The Game it teaches you how to pick up women
Kirk: Why? Ern: Well, you know me!

Ern: Good afternoon, Ernestine speaking!
Mitchell: UGH!

Mitchell: Okay, there are several really hot guys in the lobby right now... and none of them are paying attention to me when I prance by in my cute outfit. So what was Mitchell's outfit?

Yes he's quite intimidating. (jealous?)

Gotta have a Top 5!

The Top 5 Most Annoying Fashion Mistakes Committed by Mitchell's Colleagues:

5- Tapered Carrot Pants

4- Polyester

3- Vests (excluding the sweater variety)

2- Gold Buttons

1- Platform Shoes

The Eff You of the day!

Today's Eff You goes to my shitty shoes because I twisted my ankles twice from simply walking from Bankers Hall to the Mall then to the gym. Eff you shoes!

That's all Bitches!

Puff Puff Scab Scab

2006-03-07T16:37:00.001-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Order Confirmation - 4365709 (Response Required)

Hello bloggers! Wow what an exciting day in the Office for both Mitchell and I. This morning started off a bit intense and thick however, I decided to suck it up and thats about it. A shady salesman tried to sell a 'promotion' offer for a shady Salon at the Radisson today. I almost fell for it but luckily I didn't.

Mitchell and I invented two different types of green tea today:

Lemon + Green Tea = LemERN by Ern
Lemon + Green Tea + Ginger = Gingemon Tea by Mitchell

Anyway, on with what we've all been waiting for:

Ern's Mom: Wanna go for Dim Sum tomorrow?
Mitchell's Mom: No.

Old Geaser: Good morning, how are you?
Ern: I'm having a crappy day already and its only 9:00 AM
Geaser: Oh why?
Ern: I fell on a patch of ice and the c-train jabbed a hole in my beautiful jacket
Geaser: Oh right, you told me you had weak bones, your such an old lady
Ern: Yep!
Geaser: An old lady in a hot 20 year old's body
Ern: Um..thanks!

Kirk: Can you just save it on your desktop and then blackline it?
Ern: No you gotta do it through the system
Kirk: Just use the SHIFT key
Ern: um..no the SHIFT key won't do anything
Kirk: Whatever, your shifty!

Mitchell's mom: Oh Ern looks good! Did she lose weight?
Ern's mom: No!

Keith: You have the biggest feet I have ever seen in my life.
Mitchell: Err...

Some random guy at the gym: Hey!
Ern: Hi!
Creep: your so early today (its 12:30), don't you usually come at 1?
Ern: Yeah or whenever..
Creep: Oh I'm not trying to sound like a creep or anything I just happen to know what time you come to the gym everyday
Ern: Hm..Yeah...have a good workout!

Sarah: I effing hate Lindsay (another co-worker) I want to stab her in the neck!

Mitchell: I threw a spoon in the garbage because I didn't feel like walking back to the kitchen and putting it away.

While replacing Julie for 20seconds today.....

Mitchell: Ernestine, can you do this expense report for me?
Ern: Are you looking at naked people on your computer?!
Mitchell: Uhhh no. This isn't mine.

With respect to the above I bet your wondering what the eff "Puff Puff Scab Scab" means. Mitchell has this 'friend' that is a heavy meth user. Apparently people that uses meth a lot will get scabs all over their body. With the meth injested into their body it will create a meth-residue on their scabs. So they smoke their own effing scabs! To confirm if this is true or not I had to ask Kitty (the drug expert) and this was his response:

Kitty: I have no idea what the hell your talking about.

A special tribute to our number one reader (and only commenter)! Chrissy! your new name is now Chrisitine! All the way from effing Victoria! Thank you for being such a dedicated reader! Her reward was a once life time chance to hang out with the Mitchestine!

*Please note that we will make a ___estine out of whoever comments on our blog. However, not all rewards will be the same.

Here's a good quote to end off this emo day:

Jeff says: Eff him indeed.

Okay that's it for now! Enjoy the Chinook bitches.

Eff Mondays!

2006-03-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: FW: Nalgene Information Corp. - Amendments

Hello! I sincerely apologize for not updating our blog this weekend! Mitchell has been demoted from the 'Soap Lady' to the guy that pours water at Fiore (you know who I'm talking about) I sold him for about 20 YEN but he still works for the Clog part time.

What a crappy start to the week. Is anyone else disappointed that Brokeback Mountain didn't win best picture?

Mitchell is currently reading the Givenchy Code and I'm currently The Game..I will never fall for another boy again! We couldn't schedule a manicure appointment for this weekend so we're stuck with two weeks of crappy hoof hoof nails. Mitchell had no good quotes and I only had two! Eff that! So lets start with a random TOP 5.

Ern's Eff Monday Jo San TOP 5:

5. I've been having reoccurring dreams about Kitty (the emo one)
4. I am not a gold digger
3. My eyes are not blue
2. Money does not buy love in this world
1. I like closure

Mitchell's Eff Monday Jo San TOP 5:

5- I have a headache from all the caffeine
4- Desperate Housewives wasn't on last night
3- My nails look like crap
2- I have 525,600 Minutes stuck in my head
1- I just spilled coffee all over my desk AND my Gucci Bag

Sandy pronounce Pilates: "Puh-Lah-Tays" instead of "Pih-Lah-Tees".

Lindsay: What the eff was Charlize Theron wearing last night? Did she have a baby in that side poofy dress?

Minnie claims she knows people's personality and aurora by simply looking at them..

Ern: So what did you think of me when we first met?
Minnie: You're neat!
Ern: Huh..? That's it?
Minnie: You're a positive girl

Eh...the blog has been quite tamed and negative so far.

So this weekend we had a girl's night that included myself, Mitchell, Jeff and Amar, we had a splendid time! Here's some good quotes provided by our special Jeff.

*while applying my Lip Venom*
Jeff: What the eff is this?!?!

Jeff: Tell me how you feel after hearing the song
Ern: Okay - how did you feel?
Jeff: Gassy

Jeff is quite good at balancing out the Mitchestine...same with Amar.

Fibre 1 + coffee = Kitty #2. Ask Mitchell

Ki Bi Bitches!

Ern's MSN is broken... just like her Emo heart

2006-03-02T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line:
Healthy Hoof Inc. - Rush Package

Relatively tame day today. I had to leave at 3:30 to take Atticus to the vet, and Ern contemplated which Gucci Bag to buy and toiled away folding her boss's laundry... or whatever it is she does at Kitty.

Bring on the quotes!

Cherie: I feel like crap today
Ern: Oh are you sick?
Cherie: Yeah you gave me bird flu

Courtney: Hey Ern are you feeling better? I heard you were sick lastweek
Ern: yeah I am thanks! I had bronchitis
Courtney: Oh how did you get that?
Ern: I don't know...I do ride the C-train everyday

Mitchell: You can take Ernestine out of the North East, but you can't take the North East out of Ernestine.

Ern: Try this new Healthy Hoof cream for your cuticles
Cherie: *smells it* I don't like it it smells like Tiger Balm, but I guess I'm already wearing an Asian shirt (which she was) I feel like ginger beef for lunch.

Ern: they can't get it done today, maybe tomorrow morning (referring to a huge photocopying job sent to Communications)
Bruce: can't you just flirt with them?
Ern: no..well maybe

Julie *coming into my office, for some reason holding a cactus -that's right, a cactus*: Hey, do you want a Cactus?
Mitchell: Are you serious? Umm no.
Julie: Everyone needs a cactus.
Mitchell: I'm uncomfortable with this.

Then shortly after...

Kevin *walking by Julie's desk*: Hey, nice cactus.
Julie: See Mitchell! Everyone needs a cactus!

Ern: Ugh. I hate Julie

Cactus & Gabbana!

Short shorts!

2006-03-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Purell Sanitization Inc.

Jo San everyone! Wow our highest comment ever two (2)! Thanks for all the faithful readers keep em coming! So today was probably the most intense day I've ever experienced at work..details to follow.

Mitchell and I are both on our Kitty right now..how odd yet not surprising. He's already been snappy to me so watch out world!

Could you guys guess who the mysterious person was in yesterday's post? If you guessed our uncle Jo San you are correct!

As President and CEO I demoted and promoted Mitchell's position all in one day. From Assistant to the Regional Manager to the Soap Lady and then to the other one again. No good quotes for him so lets demote him again!

On with my quotes!

Kirk: Why the hell is this wrapped? (referring to a mandarin orange on my desk)
Ern: Its a gift
Kirk: You wrapped it for me?
Ern: Um..I was going to eat that at lunch

Jane: Oh when did you get your nose pierced?
Ern: Its just a mole

20 minutes later....

Jane: Did you know they have an office policy where you can't wear nose rings
Ern: yeah I know its kinda dumb
Jane: yeah but your mole is bigger than the average nose ring
Ern: Yep!

Trainer at the gym: Hey haven't seen you in a while!
Ern: yeah, I've been taking it easy but I'm trying to work out more for the summer
Trainer: Oh yeah I remember last summer when you wore those really short shorts
Ern: ehh..
Trainer: What's your name again??

So Kitty (the crazy one) and I had dinner at Reef and Beef (which is effing awesome!) and I ordered lamb:

Ern: Is this a huge faux pas because I'm eating this lamb off the bone?
Kitty: Yes, but we're in the North East

Oh its No Baby Time!

Kitty's Delight!

Emo day

2006-02-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: RE: Tco3 - Outstanding Invoices

Ern says: Good evening blog world! Wow after reading yesterday's threatening comment I truly do feel threatened. However, I like my threats to be written in blood, enclosed with some-sorta birth control, sprayed with cheap perfume and sealed with a kiss and I think I can speak for Mitchell as well. I had to work over time today and we all know how I feel about working overtime...

Mitchell's Top 5 Activities to Pass the Time at Work:

5 - Moisturize
4 - Eat
3 - Eavesdrop on other peoples conversations for clog-worthy quotes
2 - Read Pink
1 - Email Ern!

I'm suprised 'eating' was #4 mmm hmm I said it.

Top 5 Reasons why Ern text's Mitchell all the time:

5- She get's free text messaging for 3 Months
4- Kitty (the posessive one) doesn't like it when she texts people
3- She has no one else to text2- Texting burns 32 Calories per minute
1- Mitchell's responses make her life worth living

Bruce: Whats with the women's underwear?
Ern: Its a Women's Health magazine

Shelly: Does anyone remember Grace? That cute little Jamaican lady?
Everyone talking at once: "Oh yeah" "I LOVED her!" "She was great,what's she doing now, didn't she move to Georgia?"
Shelly: Yeah... her Dad died.
*awkward silence*

Jay: Oh Ern you got the new Pink Razr!
Ern: Yeah I love it!
Jay: I don't think you have my number in there
Ern: Nope...(walks towards the Jugo Juice) Have a nice day!

So apparently NSFW means Not Suitable for Work and NOT: No SatisFaction for Wendy. Please do not get the two confused.

Can you guess who the person is in the above picture? ANSWER in tommorow's blog!

Zip up Bitches!

Monday mornings..

2006-02-27T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today's subject line: Article - Calgary Herald June23, 2005-Cross-CultureBarriers

Ern says: What the eff kind of subject line is that?! Oh Mitchell tried to rap in one of our previous emails no one needs to read that...I was gone for two days and all my Sheraton mints are effing gone. I over used my hoof hoof cuticle cream and Mitchell took Julie out for lunch today - his mission was to avoid sending 'kitty vibes' he failed.

So mom text message Mitchell's mom lastnight and this is what she had to say: "Your Son is more authentically Asian than my Daughter, and he's skinnier. Peace the spork out".

Patty (looking at the new mailbox on the wall outside my office): Wow,this is cool, who did that? Mitchell: I did! I used tools and everything and put it up all by myself.
Patty: *exaggerated bowing motion*

Bruce: hows the bronchitis?
Ern: gone...almost gone

Old geaser: Where the eff is my coffee?
Kirk and Bruce looking scared: uh...we didn't know you were here!
Old geaser: Where the eff did you think I would be?

Wow what a crappy day for quotes here's some useless fillers:

Top 5 random t-shirts the Mitchestines are getting this summer:

5. I'm coming out!
4. It's not easy being Ern
3. Mitchestine.Blogspot.com
2. For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat 3
1. Kitty

Top 5 Favorite things to read about on Pink:

5. Bex and Posh
4. Brangelina
3. Lindsay Lohans Drug Escapades
2. Jake and his various BF's
1. Kathy Hilton's Kitty's

Top 5 things Ern says at work:

5. Stop yelling at me
4. Whats that smell?
3. Did you read Pink today?
2. Sanitize Please! (when people come talk to me I require them to sanitize their hands I say this while squit them some sanitizer)
1. Who took my hole puncher?

Is anyone else angry that Mowana didn't get picked on the Bachelor? Eff the other broad!

Broad this bitches!

Miso Soup and Manicures

2006-02-26T10:04:00.000-08:00

Mitchell says: Doing work is not allowed on the weekends, so on Saturday Mitchestine went for sushi and then manicures!

Here are some interesting snippets of conversation that the day yielded:

Mitchell: You should pretend you are a hair stylist, you look like you could be one.
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Jeff: ...I just got back
Ern: From Oolong?
Jeff: No, San Fransisco.

This is a picture of Ern's Manicurist.

I forget the other good quotes, more to come later today.

Ern says: Jo San weekenders! Mitchell included all the good quotes from the weekend so there's nothing for me to add. For those that were concerning about my health I am getting better good bye bronchitis. Thank you for all the support, flowers, and get well cards.

I was having a MSN conversation with our good friend Jeff and he was about to tell me a 'story':

Ern: Tell tonight! me and Mitchell are dying to know what happened...

Jeff: yeah I doubt Mitchell cares that much

Jeff is wrong. Although, I can't speak for Mitchell I can speak on behalf of Mitchestine. We care a lot. Top 5 things we care about:

5. Geisha's

4. Boys

3. San Francisco

2. Homo's

1. Ourselves

I'm back at work tomorrow which means Mitchell won't be bored and I will actually have to work! Enjoy the rest of this cold weekend!

Bronchitis and Canmore

2006-02-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

Ern says: Boo! What a crappy effing day for quotes. We have none! I have bronchitis and I called in sick today! :( Mitchell is in Canmore yes Canmore...overnight and he had a romantic dinner for one.

While medically diagnosing myself on the internet this is the root cause of bronchitis:

Root Causes: Either allergy inducing factors as weather conditions, dust, food, drugs, perfumes, pollution etc. or psychological factors as deep-seated emotional insecurity, an intense need for parental love etc. or hereditary / genetic factors

WOW! How did they know I have deep emo insecurity and I was neglected as an Asian child...?

This is the nicest compliment I've received from Mitchell from the last 6 years :

"My day was boring without your e-mails… That’s right, I said it… boring. "

Alright! Sanitize your hands if you plan to ride Calgary Transit bitches!

Did it effing snow 3000 cm of snow lastnight?

2006-02-22T16:36:00.000-08:00

Today's Subject Line: Billy Elliott - Financial Transaction

Ern says: What a cold day! I'm sick out of my mind! Is that a cough from a 50 year old man that's been smoking for the last 30 years? Oh no that's just Ern!

I forgot to mention that Julie got employee of the month! Congratulations to Miss J! Whats the secret to becoming employee of the month? I suggest sleeping your way to the top with lots of attitude!

I was really busy today but I did manage to get a few good quotes:

My boss and my mom's cell # are just one number off so I often get them both mixed up:

Ern: *Answering phone* Hi Mom...
Bruce: ...*high pitched voice* Heeeyy Honey... did you remember to take your birth control pill?

Okay so I was on the phone earlier booking a manicure appointment for Mitchell and I. I had to spell out our name to the lady at Marvel - prior to me calling Marvel, Bruce asked me to send a package to one of our fancy clients name Jack Mitchell:

Bruce: What the heck was that about?
Ern: Nothing
Bruce: It was something
Me: Just making an appointment for a manicure for me and Mitchell
Bruce: Jack Mitchell!?!?
Me: No! my Mitchell
Bruce: Oh

Bruce comes out of his office swinging a bat - yes an effing baseball bat:

Bruce: Can you do some extra provincial searches on these companies?
Me: Yes, whats with the bat?
Bruce: Protection

So Ern was working out at lunch in the weights section and EVERYONE was watching the hockey game:

Some old geaser: hey don't you like hockey?
Ern: I like to work out my shoulders
Old Geaser: *scrowl*

Patty: I had to go to the emergency room last night, I bit my tongue so bad I started to choke on my blood.
Julie: I bet that hurt.
Patty: Yep, it did.

Hannah: Holy Crap! ATCO is asking me to book them for 2007!
Shirley (Reading Email Forward): Hahah, he's eating the cat's tail.

Thats all from me! Stay warm bitches!

Happy back to work Tuesday!

2006-02-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

Ern says: Wow the long weekend went by too fast! It took me 3 cups of green tea to slowly 'adjust' to my surroundings this morning. I was very productive in fact I stayed over time! Over time = 15 minutes. On with what you have all been waiting for:

*So on Friday we went to Twisted and although, Mitchell was 'intoxicated' he still managed to text me on his Blackberry and this was my little Jo San message:

Wee can't aDd Amar its toii harameAmaritchestine is oyur namre from montrael yay we tyravel tjherw

Kirk: Did you get your teeth pulled today?
Ern: No..why?
Kirk: your cheeks look swollen
Ern: Well I am sick but my lymph nodes are really big today
Kirk: Maybe its b/c you tied your hair back

Bruce: Smile!
Ern: *smiling*

Wow there are no good quotes today and Mitchell had absolutely no quotes maybe he was in that 'meeting' who knows. However, this was his favourite quote of mine today:

Ern: "Cherie got a facial peel this weekend from a Tranny in Okotoks. She said that after 4 treatments she will have and I quote 'kick ass skin'."

Ugh...here's some useless filler:

Mitchell's Menu:
Breakfast: Strawberry/Mango Smoothie with Flax Seed Fiber 1 Cereal
Lunch: Baked Salmon Filet Cottage Cheese Whole Wheat Pita Cucumber Salad Steamed Veggies

Ern's Menu:
Breakfast - Fibre cereal
10 am - vanilla yogurt, protein drink and an apple
1pm - half a pastrami sandwhich with baby carrots
4pm - the other half and a huge grapefruit

For dinner both of us went to Fiore with our good friend Sonia - I miss her already.

Namaskar!

Weekenders!

2006-02-19T15:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Long Weekend!

Like all of the so-hot-right-now Bloggers, Mitchestine was given an all expenses paid trip to Amsterdam! As such, posts this weekend will be limited. We're having an amazing time here, and we just happened to run into TRENT from Pink Is the New Blog! (below)

That's all for today... go spend time with your family.

Jo San Developments Corp. Financial Statement

2006-02-17T19:23:00.000-08:00

Ern says: Happy long weekend everyone! Lots of good quotes coming from my end however, I can't speak for Mitchell. I was super busy today and as a mentor I had to take two new students out for lunch and it was just delightful. Today I was reminded that I was Asian every 20 seconds..I am?

Bruce: Can you come in tomorrow between 11-3?
Ern: No
Bruce: How about Sunday?
Ern: Definitly not
Bruce: Hmm..

Kirk: In case you havne't noticed............
Ern: Oh thats a new shirt! I like it
Kirk: What do you like about it?
Ern: Um its blue

Bruce: How was lunch?
Ern: Good! we went to Saltlicks on 8th
Bruce: what did you eat?
Ern: a smoked meat sandwhich with a salad
Bruce: thats not real smoked meat

Mitchell: I'm in a conference all day Thursday.
Julie: Oh, that sucks. The office is no fun without you.

Kirk and Bruce are talking in Bruce's office talking quite loud so I heard the jist of it

Kirk: check this out!
Bruce: Yeah thats effed up man
Kirk: I bet Ern will appreciate it(both comes out to my desk)
Kirk: There's ribbon sewed on the inside of my shirt sleeve
Ern: *touching* ooh thats really soft - I like details like that onclothing items
Kirk: See Bruce! If you want to pick up 20 year old Asian girls you gotta have ribbon in your shirt
Bruce: Um...thats inappropriate - work time is pay time - go back to work everyone

I gave Kirk a draft agreement I did all by myself! He looked at it..

Kirk: this is good print it in good copy
Ern: Already have *hands him the good copy*
Kirk: your cocky.

Bruce: Did you find anyone to work tomorrow
Ern: No - are you mad that I can't come in?
Bruce: No
Ern: Will this affect my review?
Bruce: It already has (does a creepy cat eye)

Amanda: Where's Heidi?
Julie: She's upstairs but she's just started talking about herself so she wont be back for a while
Mitchell: Its funny b/c its true

(While standing in the lobby)

Ceridian Guy: Hey, you look like you're in charge, can you sign for thispackage?
Mitchell: Are these pay cheques? Aren't these confidential?
Ceridian Guy: Nah, not really.

Mitchell says: Um type that..say: we are better than Pink is the New Blog....bitches!

Just when you thought our header picture was creepy....

2006-02-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

Mitchell played duck duck goose all day

2006-02-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

Ern says: Hello blog world! No good quotes today because Mitchell was in a 'meeting' that involved candy and sitting around in a circle with their legs crossed all day! How disappointing! On the other hand, I was very productive. When I talk to client's on the phone they don't bother ask how to pronounce my name so I guess I was Christine for about 20 minutes..sometimes I like to play along too! Oh! No creepy emails today ... I was looking forward to them :( - on with the quotes:

Geaser #1: Do you get all your shirts from eBay?
Geaser #2: Only on the weekends (walks away..)
Geaser #1: What the eff kind of answer is that? (mumbles) only on the weekends!?

Kirk: "here's a bunch of crap you printed to the copier"
Bruce: "its not mine - its Big E"
Big E (unfortunately, thats Ern): "Well its your crap Bruce"
Bruce: "Kirk is going to shoot you b/c your printing so much crap to the copier"
Big E: "shoot is a bad word"

Everyone watch The Office tonight!!

Bitches Delight!

Creepy Mc Creepy

2006-02-15T16:39:00.000-08:00

Subject Line: Patterson Assignment

Ern says: Another unproductive day at The Office! Mitchell and I played Fantasy Boss-Assistant - my tasks were to play with puppies at Petland. I learned how to type with my boobs. The creepy emails keep coming in from Creepy Mc Creep. He makes my day some-what interesting. Creepy Mc Creep is not Mitchell. Anyway here are the quotes of the day!

Mitchell: Can you please input this booking into Fidellio?
Julie: No.
Mitchell: Uhhhh....

Bruce is wearing a fancy blue cordless headset - and he's not on the phone.

Some old geaser: "Hey Britney"
Bruce: "Hey"

Julie: What kind of billing will this group have? Are they approved for Direct Billing?
Mitchell: No, they're not. They will be paying by cheque.
Julie: I'm just going to put it down as Direct Billing. It doesn't matter.

Wow Julie's got attitude!

Ciao bitches!

Happy Effing Valentines Day!

2006-02-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

Mitchell says: I'm getting sick... that being said, here's Ern's quote of the day:

Kirk: (Upon seeing Ern's VDay Chocolate) Is that for me?
Ern: No it's for me from Cherie
Kirk: Whatever - if it was for me I wouldn't get you to do this but now you have to..(gave Ern10 things to do at once)

And for Me...

F.A: What's that smell?
Mitchell: Lemon Butter.
F.A: For your muffin?
Mitchell: For my cuticles.

Ern says: Happy Valentines day! Ugh what a shitty day to celebrate this vague world called 'love'. So I got 3 Valentines day cards: Mother, Cherie and Kitty! - Nothing was accomplished at the Office today however, I got an odd e-mail that made my afternoon quite interesting.

*playing Break Away by Kelly Clarkson on my yahoo radio*

Kirk: "I fucking love this song - sometimes I want to break away"
Ern: "Me too!"

Bruce: "What's up with that big back pack?"
Ern: "Its my gym bag - I have a lot of stuff"
Bruce: "Is there drugs in there?"
Ern: "No"

Mitchell: "I have a bunch of crap to do I have to stay over time"
Ern: "Just give it to your assistant! Or give it to me!"
Mitchell: "Can you go to the next office and tell me what colour chairs they have?"
Ern: "Are you trying to hit on me?"
Mitchell: "Is that what he's doing?"
Ern: "I don't know:"

Last one!

Mitchell: "I just realized that the shuttle guy reminds me of Kitty - he has that cool and rock and roll type of attitude"
Ern: "No such thing"

Okay Read Mitchestine Bitches!

Siya Nora.

Day 2 - Pre-Valentines Day Nothing

2006-02-13T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today was a dissapointing day for quotes. Mitchell had a rather busy day and was so focused her heard no one but himself, and Ern was busy rubbing crabby on her face. We do have two reasonably decent quotes to post:

Kirk :"can you make reservations at tribune? for tomorrow - if theyrebooked try these ones" (he gave me a list of 4 places)

Ern: "okay"10 minutes later (i'm still at my desk and he's in his office) - in our playground voice "they're all booked"

Kirk: "faaaack"

And....

Sean: Hi how are you?
Client: Good thanks, how are you?
Sean: I’m great thanks! How are you?
Client: Uh… good.

Also, in other news, Mitchestines publicist has approved the below picture to be released to the public. Please note, distribution of this picture to other public sources is strictly prohibited.

Later bitches!

First Entry!

2006-02-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

Jo San world!

This blog is dedicated to the weird conversations that happen during office hours between myself (Ern aka Kitty #1) and Mitchell (aka Kitty #2). We cleverly collaborated both our names and created Mitchestine GET IT!?

Random Quotes from Friday:

Me: "Mom, try this DuWop it makes your lips bigger, it has a burning sensation"
Mom: "why the hell do you want your lips bigger?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Mom: "your dumb - Chinese people want small lips and small feet"
Mom: "what the hell is that beeping noise?"

Heidi (talking about a vase): I've got a HUGE one if you want it!
Tara: Yeah, I totally want a big one!
Heidi: Yeah, I've got a really big one at home, I can bring ittomorrow.I've got a medium one too actually.
Tara: I would love the big one.

Bruce "hey Ern can you book me a boardroom all day?"
Ern "yeah sure for 10?"
Bruce "well 9 those guys are late"
Ern "so are you..."
Bruce "well its Friday..and you know what happens on Thursday we'vebeen through this!"
Ern "bye!"