The Office Antics of Mitchestine!

Mitchestine is officially DUNZO!

2006-12-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

Today is a very sad day - I found out that Mitchell is leaving Calgary to live in BubbleTea Land (aka Vancouver BC) permanently. :( But I am also very proud of his accomplishments and wish him the best of of luck.

Although, we haven't been updating this blog in months we'll leave it as it is (perhaps you might get a surprise blog from Old Man Mitchell himself in Vancity).

Here are some pictures of fonder memories of Mitchestine:

BEST OF LUCK MITCHELL! - WE'LL MISS YOU!!

Miss Calgary Chinese - Calgary's Choice

2006-09-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

As most of you know 1/2 of Mitchestine is competing in this year's Miss Calgary Chinese Pageant sponsored by the Deerfoot Casino Inn.

How can you help? Well you can vote for Ern #9 by clicking on this website:

http://www.cuemagazine.ca/pictures/index.php

You need to register with your e-mail and off you go to Vote!

Pass this along to anyone you know! - VOTE VOTE VOTE!

Thanks so much guys =)

Love,

Mitchestine

P.S. For futher information about the Pageant click here: http://misscalgarychinese.com/

2006-08-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

Doesn't anyone like Peaches?

I sincerely do not want these tickets to be wasted as a result they're free! Yes, 2 free tickets to Peaches this Saturday night - August 12, 2006. Just contact me directly or leave me a comment.

Thanks,
Ern

2006-08-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have 2 tickets for sale for the Peaches concert this Saturday night August 12, 2006 7:00 p.m. at MacEwan Hall.

Unfortunately Mitchell and I won't be able to attend her concert :(

If you are interested, or knows anyone that is interested please contact us directly or leave us a comment!

I'm selling both tickets for 20.00CDN each.

Thanks!

2006-07-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry Bitches! Due to personal, confidential and undisclosed reasons Mitchestine is unable to update this week. However, keep checking back we might just squeeze in an entry!

Good Anh for now!

Words of the Week:

pro·bate - n.

The process of legally establishing the validity of a will before a judicial authority.

Judicial certification of the validity of a will.

An authenticated copy of a will so certified.

a·nus - n. pl. a·nus·es

The opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body.

Mitchell is crabbing everyone in Vancouver

2006-07-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

Hola Hola has Dora the Explorer would say. Happy Hump Day! Is it just me or does everyone get a little bit lazy on hump day? Although, how many of you out there actually get to hump someone on Wednesdays? Anyone?

What's new with Mitchestine

Mitchell is currently in Vancouver crabbing every cute mo that passes his sight. He is also going to try all the Bubble Tea Shops there and report back with a Due Diligence Memorandum. As a result, this blog entry will be all me me and me.

Ern has about 1297849724 mosquito bites. She has so many on her ankles they have turned into cankles. Does she have West Nile? Maybe but she hasn't washed her hand (or her kitty) ever since she touched Chris Carrabba's hand.

Lots and lots of Quotes!!

Jen: Should we go to U&ME?
Mitchell: What do you want to do me?

Ern: I saw Dashboard Confessional last night
Steve: Yellow Card?
Ern: Ugh

Ken: I was at Twisted on Friday
Ern: We went on Saturday night
Ken: I looked for that freaky photo shop boy (referring to Mitchell)
Ern: He is not freaky

Kirk: Nice jeans!
Ern: Thanks..
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "That is the nicest..."
Ern: No

Brent: How was your weekend?
Ern: Good, didn't do much
Brent: Yeah you never do
Ern: :(

Nick: Where are your cowboy boots?
Ern: I don't own a pair
NIck: WHAT?!??
Ern: Ugh

Kirk: How do you pronounce this? *pointing at a Vietnamese Pho restaurant menu*
Ern: Fuh
Kirk: I am pretty sure it's Foe no wait Foo
Ern: Ugh

Larry: What the eff? Didn't you get the memo?
Brent: What memo?
Larry: Uh..it's Stampede Week! Why are you wearing a suit?
Brent: It's comfortable, look how much room I have in my pants
Larry: No

Kirk: Are you going to the Stampede Party?
Ern: No, you're probably the 29184th person to ask me today
Kirk: Because Carrie isn't going?? You guys aren't joint at the hip
Ern: I like to think we are, she is my best friend at work
Kirk: What the eff? Is this elementary? Best friends...

20 minutes later

Kirk: I'm buying your ticket to the Stampede Party, now you have to come
Ern: No! Just give me the money
Kirk: So you can buy food?
Ern: :(

Kirk: I called the Vietnamese restaurant and the lady pronounced Foe not whatever you said
Ern: No she didn't! It's pronounced Fuh like F-U-H
Kirk: F-U?? I'm hurt :(

Ern: Oh I love your cowboy outfit today!
Brent: I know I look like Garth Brooks
Ern: Hehe
Brent: You're too young to know who he is
Kirk: Yeah what are you were you born? '89?
Ern: Yep!

Mitchell's Mom: Are you going out with Ern tonight?
Mitchell: Yes
Mitchell's Mom: Is her boyfriend in a gang?
Mitchell: Ugh
Mitchell's Mom: The gang called 'Dragon Boats'?

Non-Mitchestine Quote

This week's Non-Mitchestine quote comes from our good friend Christina. While she was talking to her friend Linda (who works at the mall) on MSN here's what happened:

Linda: A Native just came in the store, I have to go now. *signs offline*
Christina: ....

Question of the Day: What exactly is tape worm?

Safe to Eat and Not to be Wasted

Wikipedia's Definition of Tape Worm: In biology, Cestoda is the class of parasitic flatworms, called tapeworms, that live in the digestive tracts of vertebrates as adults and often in the bodies of various animals as juveniles. In a tapeworm infection, adults absorb food predigested by the host, so the worms have no need for a digestive tract or a mouth. Large tapeworms are made almost entirely of reproductive structures with a small "head" for attachment. Symptoms vary widely, depending on the species causing the infection. Symptoms may include upper abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, and loss of appetite. However, infestations are usually asymptomatic. Worm segments or eggs may be found in the stool of an infected person.

CAUTION: ANOTHER REALLY GROSS PICTURE BELOW.

Be careful the next time you stuff your face Pho or any type of noodle soup!

Gossip!

Now that Big Brother All Star has started I have something to look forward to on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturday nights. I love everyone on this summer's Big Brother! People I'm cheering for:

- Kaysar
- Janelle; and
- Marcellas.

I was very sexually attracted to Dr. Will in the second season but he's gotten way too cocky this season. Also is it just me or did he get a lot of work done to his face? He looks like a completely different person..well yes he's clearly Chubs Galore right now but I can't seem to put my finger on what exactly is different.

I also love Rockstar Supernova. I don't like the group SuperNova (ugh what an awful name) because they are all old has been farts! Ugh. Seriously how old are they? Rockstars I'm cheering for:

- Magni; and
- Dilana

The Hills is getting so interesting! I love how Heidi dropped out of school to stuff envelopes aka her 'Dream Job'! When I say I 'love' I mean I feel really sorry for her because she will lose her looks in 5 years and have nothing. Big Boo to LC for calling Jason Mc Don'tShave back! They make such an awkward couple. Why is she even with him? He's nasty. Adrianna looks freakishly similar to Tiffany Amber Theissen "Who's That?" you ask well she was skinny on Save By the Bell and then slutty on Beverly Hills 90210.

Oh Thanks to Christina for informing Mitchestine that Nasty Mc Alex from Laguna is dating Nick Carter! What the eff is exactly what we were thinking.

In addition Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy are a couple..? Very random.

This Week's Eff You

- The rain which lead to hail
- Mosquito Bites
- Tacky Stampede outfits
- Men that have a sick fetish with women underwear
- Fake fur
- Vaseline
- People that don't wipe down their bench at the gym

That's all from me bitches! Enjoy the rest of Stampede Week! Try get to someone/anyone to stick it in as much as possible! Seacrest Out!

P.S. Mitchell will be back Sunday night there is no guarantee if there will be an update then so just suck it up.

Stampede Time!

2006-07-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Jo San! Nai ho mah! Yes, it's Stampede Time here in Calgary, and that means that all of the Asian readers of Mitchestine should be there today! Why? It's Family Day, which means free admission AND food!

Here are some fun Stampede Facts:
-Each year, approximately 1,844,286 Mini Donuts are consumed
-The Stampede Casino needs nearly six tons of coins to open and operate
-Harry the Horse Mascot wears size 38.5 shoes (and has a 72' kitty)

What's New With Mitchestine?
I have had an effing cold for two weeks and I still can't shake it. I think the only recipe for that is more bubble tea.

Ern has been very busy this past week. She's been having her portrait painted, and has spent the entire time sitting very still and holding her puppy Boss.

Innapropriate Humor of the Week
Mitchestine reader Christina was nice enough to share her wisdom of disgusting sexual deeds during the last Mitchestine/Triple Threat date. The highlight of her enlightened teachings was the "Pink Sock". It is out of sheer and morbid horror that I pass on this information to the rest of the readers, but if you would like to find out more about the "Pink Sock", click here. An even better idea, however, is to not click the link. Just don't.

Cute Atticus Picture of the Week!

Aww, cutest dog ever.

Twisted Night!
Mitchestine and Quannifer made a cameo at Twisted Element this weekend.

For those of you who have never been to Twisted before, there are some important Rules of Conduct:

1- There is the same washroom for boys and girls
2- Creepy old mo's will come to the bar alone and try and dance with you. Do not make eye contact
3- Watch out for cracked out mo's that will try to sell you drugs... or buy drugs from you
4- When drag queens are dressed up, they are referred to as "She". When they are not in drag, they are "He's".
5- Dim Sum at U&ME is mandatory afterwards

Goodnight!

Dashboard Confessional - June 7, 2006 at Jack Singer

2006-07-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

Jo San Fatties!

Let me give you guys the fat man scoop on last night's amazing concert. As many of you know Dashboard Confessional is one of my all time emo-slit-your-wrist band! I've been waiting to see them ever since I got their tickets (couple months ago) and you have no idea how psyched I was! Kitty and I arrived at roughly 7:15 and John Ralston was already performing (very odd...). We've never heard of him before but it doesn't matter because he was just okay. Immediately following Dallas Green aka City and Color did a few songs. He was really great! I'm honestly not a big fan of Green or his "Save Your Scissors" BS but his voice last night was amazing. Just when you thought Dashboard was emo..no you are wrong.

Finally! Dashboard came on stage at roughly 8:30. They prepared such an awesome set! It had an Asian theme with colourful lanterns everywhere. I'm so glad they did a lot of their old stuff because their new CD is just okay. Ugh.

Here's a list of the songs performed last night:

-Heaven Here
-Rooftops and Invitations
-The Good Fight
-Turpentine Chaser
-Places you have come
-Swiss Army Romance
-The Secret's In The Telling
-Ghost of a Good Thing
-So Long, So Long
-For you to Notice
-The Best Deceptions
-Dusk and Summer
-Rapid Hope Loss
-Screaming Infidelities
-Remember to breathe (extended)
-Don't Wait

Encore:

-Vindicated
-Hands Down

Unfortunately, I did not bring a camera last night. Although, I'm not sure how they would have turned out b/c I was too close to the stage (second row). And FatsGalore was blocking my view majority of the night because he was right in front of me. Anyway, here are some pictures from someone that did manage to sneak in their camera!

DC Quotes

Kitty: When are they going to play Vindicated?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: Wow you're really into this
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: How do you know every song?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: When are they going to play As Lovers Go?
Ern: Ugh

Ern: I need to somehow get on that stage
Kitty: Ugh

P.S. I touched Chris Carrabba's Hand!

Sneak a Peek Peek!

2006-07-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Jo effing Sanjo Fatties!

Happy Hump La Thursday Day everyone! This week is a short week and as a result this will be a short post. Today is the first official day of Stampede!! Well technically it's Sneak a Peek day..but here's a YEEHAW from Mitchestine!

What's new with Mitchestine?

Not much, not much at all.

Mitchestine will be making a special appearance this Saturday night at Twisted! We will also be bringing along some special guests. Everyone come party with us!

Quotes

Kirk: It's my Birthday!
Ern: No it's not
Kirk: Yes it is!
Ern: Nope I diarised it! *looks at calendar* OMG it is! Happy Birthday...

Mitchell: *coughing*
Keith: What's up Coughy McPhlegmbag?
Mitchell: Gross.

Kirk: I appreciate you *hands over can of OJ*
Ern: Ugh.

Christina: *drops her BBT on the floor*
Everyone: *gasps* OMG...

Ern: They paged you like 10 times today
Carrie: I know! Everyone wants me. I feel like the Company's whore.

Kirk: *whistles* I am not whistling AT you, I'm just whistling.
Ern: Ugh I know.
Kirk: Because that would be Sexual Harassment
Ern: Yeah I get it.

Fred: Do you want to buy a ticket to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No

Caren: Ern, are you going to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No, are you?
Caren: Bitch, please.

Ern: How long is your conference next week?
Mitchell: Oh it's very long...very long. So long. Maybe you will get to see it one day.
Ern: No

Onar: What are you drinking?
Ern: Singapore Sling
Onar: Don't you get that every time?
Ern: Um, yes. Although, this is the second time we've ever met.

Jay: I saw a homeless person jacking off next to the Mary Brown's head office

Amar: My Geisha!
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Jay: Ern, are you tight?

Theresa: Does Mitchell have a girlfriend yet?

Jay: I think a Lotus is a symbol of the trans-gender community.
Justin: Isn't a Lotus an insect? ...no wait that's a locust.

Niggar: *whips out her boob to show her new nipple ring*
Mitchell: :-O

Justin: Ern, are you Japanese?
Jay: Aren't you Korean?
Mitchell: No one really knows

Top5

Ern's Top5 favourite BBT drinks:

5. Taro
4. Strawberry and Papaya
3. Watermelon
2. Strawberry and Mango
1. Strawberry and Pineapple

This Week's Eff You

- Sweating on the C-train
- The Price of Stampede Ride Tickets
- Mosquito bites
- Trashy highlights
- Asslee Simpson

Ask Mitchestine!

This week's Anonymous Ask Mitchestine comes from someone that is currently constipated. However, We have a idea who it is (Karen G.? No wait that was too obvious..Malaysian Mangler?)

Dear Mitchestine,

I am interested in trying a detox this month. Any recommendations?

- Poo Poo

Dear Poo Poo,

Ugh.

Where do I start? Ironically I had a conversation about detoxes in a conference e-mail with some bitches earlier this week. Quasi-Chiropractors recommends that every one should detox once a year when they turn 18 and three times a year when they turn 39.

What exactly is a Detox?

Wikipedia defines detoxing as:

Detox, short for detoxification, in general is the removal of toxic substances from the body. It is one of the functions of the liver and kidneys, but can also be achieved artificially by techniques such as dialysis and (in a very limited number of cases) chelation therapy.

I've tried a few detoxes in my years and the best are the ones that make you poo 20 times a day. The last detox I did I pooed out a lady bug her name is Sheila.

Love,

Mitchestine

On a sad note, our good friend Lady A is off to Montreal. He will be working in a French factory making red barrettes for 14 hours a day. In return he will be allowed to eat all the french bread in the world. We miss already.

That's all from me btiches!! It's apparently hailing outside so stay dry! Have a wonderful Stampede Weekend!

AHH

2006-07-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

Karen says: UPDATE BIZNATCHY!!
Ern says: I'm sorry I just got home
Ern says: I won't update until tomorrow
Karen says: AHHHHHHH
Karen says: why are we friends?

Yes Karen, Why are we friends...?

Sorry bitches no update for Wednesday because it's a short week and I had to stay effing over time! Come back tomorrow!

Rocket in my Pocket

2006-07-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hi hi! It has been eleven years since I last had an update... indeed work has taken precendence over Mitchestine, which is horrible and wrong. As an act of pennance, I've taken the liberty of eating one whole pinecone. And not one of those soft crunchy ones... a hard pokey one. That's right, I do care.

What's new with Mitchestine?

Ern still has bronchitis, which has been further aggrivated by her singing her heart out to the new Dashboard CD. Ern spent the long weekend pushing the dim sum cart at her Family's restaurant in China Town.

I have also contracted some sort of hybrid disease which has caused me to competely loose my voice. I can't even yell at Julie for gabbing on the phone all day with her boyfriend. I'm also off to the Bubble Tea Capital of Canada (Vancouver) in a week for a conference. I've been training really hard in preparation of consuming vasts amounts of coconut jelly.

Quote(s)

*talking about dim sum*
Theresa: It's really hot and it cmoes out fast, but I know you're really good at eating fast.
Ern: That's what he said.

Ern: Do you know how to use chopsticks?
Mitchell: ...

Ask Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

I hear that green apples make a nice decorative touch in minimalistic spaces. I like this idea, but I'm worried that it is wasteful. What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Environmentally Stylish

***

Dear Environmentally Stylish,

Ugh.

Warm Regards,
Mitchestine

What is Mitchestine Reading??

Mitchestine is often approached for literary advice and recommendations. As everyone knows, Mitchestine doesn't like to be bothered, so we've decided to add this new section.

Mitch...

The Alchemist is about a boy on a journey to discover his "Personal Legend". It's full of deep thought and profound artsiness, and just a smidgen of homoerotic undertones. Final Verdict: It will change your life.

...estine

Kimora Lee Simmons is arguably the most fabulous being that ever existed. She's also giving Star Jones-Reynolds a run for the title of most plastic surgerized ethnic celebrity. This book is a play by play on how to climb the mountain of fabulosity and ejaculate all over the world. Final Verdict: You're not fabulous enough to even pick this book off the shelf.

Eff You!

What kind of Mitchestine post wouldn't have just a lil' bit of anxst?

Eff to Pastel's Cafe in the Chinook Food Court. My Bubble Tea there was $6.50 and it tasted like an Orange Julius.

And a HUGE Eff to the ridiculous mosquito situation in Calgary. Nothing gives me more pleasure then hearing them splat on my windshield. Effers.

And finally, many birthday wishes go out to Jen, who celebrated her 62nd Birthday Pub Crawl this Saturday! Ole Ole Ole!

Happy Canada Day!

2006-07-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Due to the long weekend, the Sunday post will be postponed to Monday, July 2, 2006.

Highlights of tomorrow's post will include:

- Jen's Birthday Party
- What is Mitchestine Reading?
- Movie clips of Jake Gyllenhaal masturbating

...and so much more!

Happy Canada Day everyone!!

Today's High: 32 Effing Degrees!

2006-06-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Hump La Mump day everyone! Can you believe this weather? I absolutely love it! This week's weather makes up for all the BS rain we got last week!

As most of you know, Mitchell is in charge of Sunday's blog and I (Ern) is in charge of Wednesday's blog. Because there wasn't an update last Sunday I understand that most of you are upset but that's life.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Ern has bronchitis...again.

I haven't spoken to Mitchell in days :( I have no idea what's new with him. The last I heard he was at some lame Golf Tournament..or something about being tied up in Simone's basement. As a result, this week's blog is all about Ern and Ern.

Quotes

Brent: Lord have mercy, what is that smell?
Ern: Cuticle cream

Ern: Good Morning!
Kirk: Morning big rims
Ern: Excuse me?
Kirk: The rims on your sunglasses...they're huge.
Ern: I like it

Brent: Is that duck?
Ern: Nope chicken
Brent: I'm pretty sure it's duck

*Ern showing Tee how to do dead lifts*

Ern: Stick your butt out more
Tee: Hehe okay *blushes like a tomato*

Brent: Good work!
Ern: Thanks! That's the nicest thing you've ever said me
Brent: WTF? It is? I take it back
Ern: :(

Lisa: How do you get your teeth so white?
Ern: Hehe that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Lisa: Uh..that wasn't really a comment more like a question
Ern: Let's not get technical

Freak in the elevator: Sorry
Ern: For what?
Freak: Interrupting your ride
Ern: Uh...that's okay
Freak: What's your name?
Ern: No

Ask Mitchestine

This Week's Ask Mitchestine comes from last week's blog reader/commenter.

So Mitchestine....I'd like to ask a question. I was listening to Cypress Hill...and he was singing about getting high...he got an ounce through the mail.....now this is my question. How do you get an ounce through the mail??????

Sincerely yours,
Waiting patiently for an answer

Dear Patiently Waiting,

Well first of all who still listens to Cypress Hill? Are we living in 1996? No.

Ironically the same day I received your question there was a huge pill sitting on my desk. I would proudly say that this mysterious pill was about a gram. I recall requesting 2.5 grams but sometimes you have to compromise with the Vendor, you don't always get what you want. Now from experience, I know the Canada Post does not deal with the delivery of intoxicated drugs. So my suggestion is that you get some a mule to suck it in (carefully wrapped in a condom of course) and then poo it out when they reach to the North East!

I've taken initiative to ask our Drug Expert at Mitchestine, we'll call him Kitty and this is his response:

1/8 ounce is roughly 2.5 grams.
1/8 ounce of cocaine is often referred to as an eight-ball.

This Week's Eff You

This week's Eff You goes to the FREAK that's been leaving comments on our blog pretending to be Mitchell and/or Mitchestine.

Any true Mitchestine reader knows that we will never comment on our own blog.

Another Eff You goes towards MySpace.com. I'm not sure why everyone has an obsession with this site. I was signing up to win some DC crap on their website and one of their prizes were to get a chance to be on their MySpace TOP 8 friends?!? Ugh.

Gossip Mossip

I know for a fact that Peaches is huge in UK. However, I'm not sure if Calgarians even know who she is. No we are not talking about the fruit. Anyway, Peaches herself is coming to Calgary! YAY her show is apparently 18+ because her lyrics are very vulgar and she enjoys singing about sex. For example:

Suckin' on my kitties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

*Please note that I've replaced a very NSFW word with the word 'kitties'.

Dashboard Confessional's new CD came out yesterday! I sneaked out of work at 10 a.m. like a little Asian rat to buy the new album at HMV. I love all the songs but why is the whole album only 40 mins? Chris you are way to emo to only have 40 mins of music. I strongly recommend Dusk & Summer to anyone that enjoys the summer and slitting their wrist.

Do I like the show The Hills? Maybe. I haven't fully decided yet. The Hills isn't what I expected..it's very different from Laguna Beach. I know for a fact that The Hills is scripted..come on! How odd of TeenVogue to let camera crews into their corporation without the guarantee of hiring LC? How are the cameras allowed everywhere? I'm certain there is a Privacy Protection Act that infringes on this madness. I personally will never go to a club if there's a camera there. No thanks.

Samuel L. Jackson;
Terri Hatcher; and
Josh Hartnett.

are all currently in Calgary!

They are staying at the Sheraton Eau Claire downtown!

More Chuck effing Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.

It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

This week's Happy Birthday goes out to 1/2 of Quaniffer...guess which one it is.

It's Jen...
Happy Birthday!

Okay that's all from me bitches! Until Sunday (or whenever they free Mitchell from the basement).

P.S. Don't forget to watch The Hills and Criss Angel - Mind Freak tonight on A&E

Karen says: I hard it's a Typhoon right now

2006-06-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

** UPDATE

After a lot of hustling and sticking it in Mitchestine managed to get a pair of Mariah Carey tickets! We have the pre-sale password, big THANK YOU to Jen and her spirit fingers! We will gladly sell you the 'password' for 5.00 USD...per letter.

Wow majority of this blog's comments are about me forgetting a bunch of quotes. So here you go bitches!

Steve: Is Jamal a girl?

Ern: I heard sperm is good for your skin if you have eczema
Jen: Pew Pew!
Mitchell and Steve:.......

Tee: Yeah Scott's a rapper
Ern: What does he rap about? Bubbletea?

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are DUNZO!

Please please save Britney Justin! Let's reminisce...

Jo effing San Hoes and Bitches!

Today is the first official day of summer! Although, it clearly doesn't feel like summer because it's hailing outside!

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell called me on Monday morning at 8:30am with a girly squeal. I knew exactly what he wanted..tickets to see Miss Mariah Mimi Effing Carey! Oh my, you guys have no idea how excited the Mitchestine are that she's coming to town! The pre-sale is tomorrow morning at 10ish and if you happen to have the password please let us know! We would be forever grateful! We might even let you stick it in....

Last night we had a fun double date with Quannifer (aka Steve and Jen). We were at Fiore and there was a beautiful wedding going on...was it staged? Who cares! Here are some super cute pictures of us!

Also, we found out Michael Kors has speakerphone! Oops..if you heard "stick it in" more than once from an SUV in the NE yes that was Mitchestine and Jay.

Quotes

*Mitchell's Blackberry vibrates for the 9217397 time*
Ern and Quaniffer: Ugh.

Kitty: How's Mitchell?
Ern: Good, he got BBT for his Assistant. It was her first time and she hated it!
Kitty: Is she racist? Maybe he should've told her it was from Jugo Juice
Ern: You're racist

*Ern filling up her 2.2L water bottle*
Random guy in the lunch room: Deepak Chopra says drinking too much water is bad for you
Ern: Ugh.

Karen: Who the eff is Deepak Chopra?
Ern: Ugh. I don't know where to start to explain who Mr. Chopra is
Karen: I thought Deepak was a woman
Ern: Ugh.

Kelli: I tried BBT for the first time!
Ern: Oh great! Where?
Kelli: Bubblemania..it was gross.
Ern: Oh? Yeah that place is kinda gross and sketchy
Kelli: Why was there a pirate there?
Ern: Oh why not?

Brent: Hey woman, hook it up
Ern: Don't ever call me woman!

Fobby Guy at the gym: Can I work in between sets with you guys?
Ern: No, we'll be about ten minutes
Fobster: Wow!

Ern: Who's She-Ra?
Scott: Ugh.

Carrie: Do you want to have lunch with me and Lily Nguyen today?
Ern: No thanks, I don't even know her
Carrie: What? She's Asian! You guys probably have a lot to talk about!
Ern: You're racist

*Caren looking at the Oriental Phoenix menu*
Caren: What the eff? $10 for Vermicelli and some chicken? Damn, someone should have told me it was going to be so expensive! I could have stuffed a chicken my purse.

This Week's Eff You

- The rain
- People that don't cover their mouth while they cough/sneeze
- Men that ask to work 'in between sets' with you at the gym
- Ern's Lulu top because it turns on her headlights without notice..um fog lights
- Not winning The Devil Wears Prada movie tickets :(

Chuck Effing Norris!

Last night Quaniffer told Mitchestine about Chuck Norris. Who is this Chuck Norris? Who cares! Here are 22 Random Facts I bet you didn't know about him!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Mitchestine Presents....

The EquAzn - http://www.theequazn.com/

At Mitchestine we strongly support starving artists in Calgary. Although, this artist isn't necessary starving, he does enjoy free styling about his feelings. We met Scotty Mc Beam through an accidental conference e-mail and he's quite a talented young man. Not only does he hate slutty girls at the gym he enjoys red bean slush. Check him out! Mr. Lee will be playing at the Amsterdam Rhino this Friday June 23, 2006.

That's all for now! Stay dry everyone!

Happy Fathers Day!

2006-06-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Chingaling Reunion
Initial Response re: Fortune Cats
Reasearch in Motion - Outstanding Invoices

Nai Ho Ma!! Happy Fathers Day! (to all of our readers who have legitimate Fathers, of course). Even though it is one of the most beautiful days outside in recent Calgary history, I'm holed up in my room faithfully toiling away at my keyboard! Mitchestine = Love and Committment!

Effing Blogspot is not loading pictures again, so tonights post will be only text! That's right, you can feel

What's New With Mitchestine?
On Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a Double Date with readers Jen and Steve! Indian food!

Ern unfortunately suffered an embarrassing fall in the Bankers Hall +15! Although perhaps the funniest story I have heard in a long time, Ern suffered minor injuries... to her umbrella (which she tried to use to get back up, even though it was a cheap Hello Kitty China Town creation).

Mitchell is trying to figure out what his newest hair style is going to be, and has narrowed it down to the following options. Please submits your votes for:

So due to a hectic work week (and by hectic I mean too many conference emails with Triple Threat), there are sadly very few Quotes for this unfortunate post:

Mitchell tried to introduce Bubble Tea to Julie... it didn't go over well:
Mitchell: What do you think?
Julie: ...thank you for the experience?
Mitchell: You're fired.

Ern (in an email to Mitchell): Can you please me when you get to Banker's Hall?
(I think she meant please call me)

Christina: What happens to a Chinese man when he get's a boner and runs into a wall? He hits his nose.
Everyone: ...

Speaking of Christina, the lovely lady is departing today for CALIFORNIA! She is going there to find herself... and also research how the California Roll was created.

This ridiculous ad was on Perez Hilton today... seriously.

Finally, a very serious Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My Dad caught me online reading your blog, and then grounded me because he said you were the devil. Is this true?

Yours Truly,
Grounded in Greenland

***

Dear Grounded in Greenland,

Rumors have been flying ever since Mitchestine made it big. It's only natural for people to talk about what they love, and the more people talk, the faster the rumor mill churns.

Mitchestine is actually a devout Kabbalist, a religion which has no "Devil". In the rough neigbourhood that Mitchestine lives, to place a "666" over one's doorway. This has no religious affinity, but rather symbolizes the highest grade children in the North East, on average, will statistically reach. Although this is often confused with the Satanic Number, it is simply a sign of neutral gang affiliation.

In closing, your Dad knows too much for his own good.

Most Sincerely,
Mitchestine

That's all! Don't forget to buy the new Nelly Furtado CD tomorrow!

Pink Sock

2006-06-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
PAP Test;
Memorandum re: Pochacco Fung Ky Financing; and
District Service Lines for Expense Coding.

Hello, Jo san, Jojo, Nei How Ma, Wei Wei, Ho ho, Aloha and Ai Ya everyone! Happy hump day Wednesday. Wow is it just me or is this week going by really slow? Does anyone else feel like munching on their wrist?

I understand everyone is still upset because of the lack of posts last week..but that's life. Which leads me to this week's proverb: To Feen is to Need.

What's new with Mitchestine?

Mitchell might be going camping this weekend and Ern will attempt to cut her own hair after eating some chips and salsa. Oh how do you know when you have Pink Eye?

Mitchestine had a date with the Triple Threats and we had a splendid time. We also learned a bunch of dirty positions that involve punching and blood ie: Pink Sock, Dirty Sanchez, Tony Danza and etc. Also, If you ladies didn't notice we sneaked in a few 'extreme petting' somewhere in between the curry and the Dirty Sanchez jokes. Yes, you guys are all currently carrying Mitchestine's child.

Quotes

Waiter: Does everyone know what they want to drink? How about an expensive bottle of wine?
Mitchell: *giggling* No, everyone here is Asian
Waiter:....

*Waiter puts Karen's plate down*
Karen: I'm going to eat this in 10 seconds

Christina: *snorting*

Cunty Mc Pearls: *Throws Mitchell's drink down*
Mitchell: Thank you very much!
Cunty Mc Pears: Yeah.

Christina: Have you guys heard of the Rotisserie?
Ern: Is that when the guy takes the girl to Swiss Chalet after and say 'Thank You'?

Karen: Don't put too much in your mouth at once or you will want to spit it out (referring to the white tapioca pearls in her fruit cup)
Mitchell: That's what he said!

Ern: Did you have fun tonight?
Mitchell: Yes, I felt like a pimp with all you Asian girls. No wait a tour guide.

Julie: That Mitchell was good letter.
Mitchell:....
Julie: Did I just mix up the words Mitchell and letter?

Kirk: Did you hear the thunder last night?
Ern: Yes! It was scary
Kirk: Ugh you're such a girl *walks away*
Ern: I hate you
Kirk: What?
Ern: Nothing!

*Ern stuffing a salmon sashimi in her mouth*
Brent: Yeah that's attractive

Julie: I don't like it (referring to her very first bubble tea drink)
Mitchell: You're fired!

Scott: Britney's having another baby?!?!
Everyone: Ugh.

Ern: Will you please me at Banker's Hall? (forgetting the word 'meet')
Mitchell: No...

Ern: I hate that jacket, I'm not going to burn it down!
Kitty: I love it! It's warm and soft!
Ern: That's what he said!
Kitty: Ugh. Those jokes aren't funny to me
Ern: :(

What's Emo? (not to be confused with an Emu)

We tend use the word emo just as much as we use the word kitty in this blog. I'm sure everyone has their own definition of emo but to truly determine how emo you are simply take this lame online quiz! Here's a sample of a couple emo questions from the quiz.

At Mitchestine we are quite notorious for smashing hearts to the ground. *Insert Britney's 'Oops I did it again'*

Please feel free to take this fun emo quiz and tell us how emo you are in our comment section! http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=5aff31b8-1734-4839-ad53-52b636ffb8db

Here's another good example of Emo:

Gossip Mossip

I haven't heard one good thing about CNTM except for Mitchell sticking it in Dawn's (the only Calgarian girl that got voted off) little sister. I like to cheer for the under dog and in this season's episode it's clearly the Asian girl. But what is up with the nasty white Barret?

Ugh.

I absolutely love Laguna Beach! I know that there are a lot of Mitchestine/Laguna fans out there, and I'm sure you guys are wondering the exact same thing:

- Why are girls attracted to Jason?
- How are Jessica's boob so damn big?
- Hehe Dieter? Come on!

Anyway, I really enjoy this show and there is no way that this it can all 'real'. It has to be scripted, there is way too much drama on this damn beach! These kids have no idea how lucky they are to live right by the ocean instead they eff around with boys in every episode.

TEAM Kristen! I love her and everything about her. She makes me question my sexuality.

Super Cute Picture of the Week!

Top 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern say "Ugh" in the morning:

- People saying "wow you drink a lot of water" while filling up my 2.2L water bottle.
- The smell of boiled and/or microwaved eggs
- People that simply say 'good' or 'fine' when you ask how they are. I don't really give a damn how you are, but you should ask me back.
- Thanks - what the hell is 'Thanks'?? Say Thank You.
- Any type of racist implied comments.

Good v. Bad Comments

We still aren't 100% sure who left the comment above. However, there has been weird things that happened throughout the week. For example:

- Anonymous Person A calls Mitchell with a creepy voice asking "Why isn't the blog updated?"; and
- Anonymous Person B e-mails Ern and Mitchell stating "someone's gonna die if the blog isn't updated".

Will this anonymous person please step forward?

Mitchell's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, say "Meh" and carry on.

Ern's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, Stick It In.

Don't forget to watch Britney's break down tomorrow night (Thursday) everyone!

Have a super weekend, I think there's a full moon out so try to stick it in as much as possible and don't forget to take your no baby pills!

Until Sunday Bitches!

THE POST IS READY!! (Sorry for the effy HTML)

2006-06-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Initial Public Offering - eBay Inc
Hello Kitty Finance of June/06
Month End Finance Documentation

Happy Sunday Post Mitchestine Readers! Our sincere apologies go out again to all of our faithful readers for the ship-shod postings of late, please know that Mitchestine is back in full swing with Wednesday and Sunday posts. Again, due to the recent problems with Blogspot.com, we have had to go to drastic measures to get these posts to you.

What's new with Mitchestine?
This Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a date with some very lucky Mitchestine Readers (you know who you are). On the agenda: Indian Food, Bubble Tea and heavy petting!

On Sunday, I was enjoying a leisurely brunch at the Hyatt Hotel with a good friend, when we decided to head over to Stephen Avenue and TD. Unbeknownst to us, we walked smack dab into the middle of Calgary's Gay Pride parade. Although it's no secret that I'm a big 'mo, I'm definitely not the kind of 'mo that would participate in any way in a Pride Parade. It was terrible and we were pelsted with condoms being thrown out by half naked men dancing on a rainbow float to the techno remix of the Brokeback Mountain Themesong. Ugh.

As Ern mentioned last week, valued Mitchestine reader Chrissy (one of the original readers, she has been dubbed Chrisistine) was visiting Calgary from her hometown of Victoria. We'd like to share these pictures from her visit:

Oh no! She just about dropped Sean Preston!

Ern's boyfriend (Kitty) has been shipped off to some obscure town in Alberta for work. This means Ern is alone, vulnerable, and currently accepting offers!!

If you think you have what it takes to entertain this lovely lady, please forward a three page essay all about how pretty Ern is. Please send your submissions to:

Quotes!

Tiny E: (walking by my office, the door was open): Are you eating again?
Mitchell: Yes, and what business of that is yours?
Tiny E: If you worked in a restaurant you would be so fat.
Mitchell: Please leave.

*Drinking water*
Brent: You know how Crystal drinks water?
Ern: Ugh, I don't care.
Brent: She has a water bottle and pours it into a glass and blah blah blah
Ern: I'm not Crystal...
Brent: Eff just get a glass!
Ern: *continues drinking water*

Kirk: Is that my stuff?
Ern: Nope, it's for another lawyer
Krik: Why are you doing their stuff?
Ern: Meh, why not?
Kirk: You are a good person Ernestine.
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Kirk: Nope, that's a lie. I say nice things to you every day 24/7.

*while purchasing dinner for one at a gas station in Thunder Bay*
Jay: Do you have a bag for that?
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: We usually don't do that, but you seem like a nice guy.
Jay: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: This is the first time I've ever met you.

Kitty: I like this area but I heard it's haunted.
Ern: What area are we in? Is this Mission?
Kitty: Ugh, we're in Bridgeland. This is where Karen lives.
Ern: Oh yes I recognize that Starbucks, that's where Faggy McStarbucks works.
Kitty: Who or what is Faggy McStarbucks?
Ern: :)

*in perhaps the most awkward moment ever between Jay, his boyfriend and I*
Jay: Have you seen how white Mitchell's teeth are?
Jon: *in his signature I-hate-you-and-wish-you-would-just-die tone* Wow...
Mitchell: ...
Jay: ...
Jon: ...

Mitchestine Reader Karen writes in with this helpful tidbit of information on how to keep busy at the office:

"I just wanted to let everyone know that when I used to work at Fortis I would get really sleepy and I would go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and go to sleep. And if someone was occupying that toilet or if it smelled like poo I'd go to the fourth floor because they had nice smelling soap. Maximum time 5 minutes."

Cute Picture of the Week
Yes, although this is completely random, this photo opportunity just presented itself and I had to share it with you all. This is my dog Atticus, who has just decided to help me update Mitchestine (you can see it on my screen in the background).

Today's EFF You:
My big EFF You goes to Officer Lee, who caught me speeding while driving my sister's car (while Michael Kors was in the shop) on my way to Ern's Birthday Party.

I was going eleven over the limit you ass.

As well, Mitchestine would like to send out one last EFF You to the Anonymous Commenter who wrote this on last weeks Wednesday Post:

Jo San, bitch. About time there was an update. Next time the threats will be in blood.
Thursday, June 08, 2006 10:23:09AM

Mitchestine is all about the love, okay bitches? We only want LOVE in the comments.

Finally, a Shoutout to Mitchestine reader Jay, wh has been shpiped out to Thunder Bay for work, and has sent us pictures of his prison-like hotel room:

BLOGSPOT STILL DOWN!!

2006-06-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

JO SAN EVERYONE... BLOGSPOT IS STILL DOWN... I again apologize, and insist that Mitchestine is not being lazy. I spent all afternoon yesterday on a good post, I just can't freaking upload it!! I will persist throughout the day, in the meantime you can enjoy this article written by Mitchestine Reader Melinda. (at Ern's reccommendation, read this twice, it will be funnier the second time around). Enjoy, and thank you for your patience!

***

Jo San, faithful readers. I trust you're all doing well. It occurs to me that some of you might have been offended by my previous piece. Some of you might even think that I'm some sort of racist or culturalist.

My dears, they're both wrong. I don't hate Edmontonians or Northeasterners anymore than I hate any other people. The human population in general holds my disdain. It's not for lack of intelligence or mob mentality or anything else that most people will tell you they hate the human race for. I hate humans because as a species we are not the genetically superior beings on this planet, let alone the galaxy.

I bring to your attention the show Third Rock From The Sun. Quaint name that implies Earth, in it's description of position. In the first episode of this show, Tommy, Dick, Harry, and Sally are sitting in the kitchen, discussing the short comings of their bodies. It turns out that not one of their heads can move in a 360° motion, how are they to clean their backs? Aliens, as many are already aware, are genetically superior. How do we know this? Forget all the intergalactic travel that they have accomplished, they are able to clean their backs with their tongues.

Possession by demons can also create genetic superiority in humans as was displayed in an amusing film known as The Exorcist. Only while Reagan was posessed was she able to spin her head in a fashion that would have allowed to her cleanse her own back. Cleansing of one's own back with their tongue is the mark of genetic superiority?

I can hear some of you asking this, and the answer is yes. It is for this reason that I propose new Supreme Overlords for the planet. But who, you ask, can clean their back with their tongue? Nobody can do that, and I've seen some sick shit on the internet. You're right, nobody can do that. At least not any humans.

Cats, while unable to go the entire 360°, do have the ability to cleanse their backs with their tongues. They're also able to get rid of any hair that they may ingest through this ritual in neat lumps. With such an advanced digestive tract and impressive range of motion, is it any wonder that they were worshipped in Ancient Egypt?

I say let us follow our ancestors and take the cats out of the alley and put them back on the pedestal where they belong.

***

BLOGSPOT.COM SYSTEM OUTAGE

2006-06-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

Holla Holla Mitchestine readers! For those keeners checking in on Mitchestine at this time (8:26pm MST) please note that we are experiencing techincal difficulty with Blogspot.com. Sunday's post is complete, however we are not able to post it at this time. We will make every effort to have it up as soon as possible. Stay tuned and thank you for your patience.

Mini Satruday Post

2006-06-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my good friend Zabine last night and she had a rather interesting true story to tell me. Since I'm so damn generous I'll share it with the Mitchestine readers.

Enjoy!

Well I got off work at around 11, and hoped on a bus right away, I was babysitting and I had like 2 hours after the child went to bed to drink tea and read etc.. So by the time I got off the bus I had to pee really really badly. My train was coming so I decided to hold it until I got to Chinook because I had about 30 min to wait anyway until the bus came, and in that time I was hoping to find a bathroom.

Well as I am sure some of you know there is a max across the street, and I know that sometimes they are sticky but I was convinced they would understand and I was in such a wonderful cheerful mood. So I went in and asked them if they had a washroom I could use. They said no, so I said I really need to go, I have been holding it for an hour and I’m not sure where else to find a washroom, I also asked if they have one in the back that they use.
They said “it’s out of order” and this is where I kind of got a little teed. I’m not really sure why I think it had something to do with me needing to be really bad and you know a girls gotta go when she starts getting irritable. I asked them “Oh my goodness what are you doing when you need to go to the bathroom if it is out of order, Do you know of anyplace that is open that I could use a washroom at?”

Of course they said no.. And I said “well you must be going somewhere else, either that or you must be REALLY dehydrated if you need to hold it for 8 hours or possibly more..”
So finally I just left, and said “thanks for nothing” but when I got outside I had this urge to just do something really mean. I just paced for a little while feeling this anger boil inside of me. Now I fantasized about going in and casually squatting all over the magazines and letting things flow.. Then blaming them. But I am a wuss I don’t do well in these sorts of situations so I did the next best thing..

I put down my backpack a safe distance away… grabbed a Kleenex from my pocket, and squatted right outside the front door; I even leaned a bit so that urine went streaming down the door. Then I wiped, and rubbed my Kleenex all over the door handle as I opened it. Walked in, threw the Kleenex in the girls face and said “Take a good long look at the puddle I just made outside your door. That’s How badly I had to go, and I hope you realize how humiliating it fucking is when a girl has gotta squat ‘cause the fellow members of her gender can’t show a little empathy..” “You guys are bitches and I hope someone shows the same unkindness that you have shown to me this evening..”'

They said they were calling the cops; I opened the door, jumped over my puddle, picked up my back pack, and pulled hand sanitizer from my other pocket, as I walked away. I contemplated anger management, I thought there was something wrong with me, then as I hoped on my bus and headed home I let it go, just feeling good that I didn’t risk getting a bladder infection.

- Zabine Maherali

This is what I like to call: Bitch's Delight!

Too bad pictures are still down or I would post a cute picture of her peeing.

Pictures Are Down!!

2006-06-07T19:58:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: BLOG OUTAGE

So so sorry for the lack of postings last week, but it's not entirely Mitchestine's fault. Blogspot.com has been down since Monday and we were unable to post anything! Now that it's some-what up and running we can only publish precious material and no pictures! However, I did manage to upload a few of my vacation pictures prior to the outage...so yay for Ern!

Recent Subject Lines:
Fwd: RE: Month End Finance Documentation re Aloha Week

Aloha Aloha Aloha! I'm effing back! Hawaii was awesome! I strongly suggest anyone planning a vacation to go to Honolulu it's amazing. Big Thank You to Tee (a Mitchestine reader that refuses to comment) for all the restaurants/bars/activities recommended! Pictures below!

Speaking of comments Mitchestine received the highest comments ever... Fif effing teen (15!). Thank You Thank You and Thank You! www.mitchestine.blogspot.com is absolutely nothing without your threatening comments. Although, here's a friendly reminder how the Mitchestine take threats seriously:

5. Must be hand written in blood
4. Enclosed with some-sorta birth control
3. A picture of yourself threatening Hello Kitty
2. Writing "stick it in" at least 3 times
1. Sealed with a kiss

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Because of all the complaints last week Old Lady Mitchell has been demoted to Assistant to the Soap Lady. Now this blog is just Ernestine ME ME ME ME......No that's a lie, I think the Mitchestine compliments each other..or maybe Mitchell just compliments me and I reply with a nonchalant "That was the nicest thing you've ever said to me".

Mitchell hung out with Chrissy last week and got a t-shirt that says Chrissy! Very cute!

Ern got a bad sun burn on her scalp - will my hair fall out?

Quotes

*Please Note: Mitchell went AWOL on Wednesday plus Ern wasn't at work on Monday and a result we have a lack of quotes this week.

Brent: How was your trip?
Ern: Awesome!
Brent: I don't believe you
Me: :(

Ern's Mother: You are brown and chubby
Me: :(

Ern yawning
Brent: Yeah..that's attractive

Mitchell: Don't "Thank you for your consideration" me!
Ern: :(

Mitchell: Okay, so I have bad news. I missed you like a rash while you were in Hawaii, but I was SO much more productive at work that it was scary.
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Ern e-mailing Mitchell
Kirk: Are you going to spend all your time sending personal e-mails to Eric Wong?
Ern: Huh? Who's Eric? This e-mail is clearly being sent to Mitchell Fawcett
Kirk: You tell me who Eric Wong is!

So here's the freak quote of the day/week - I was doing squats on the Smith machine at the gym and there was a bench that was about 5 feet away from me.

Some Freak: Are you using this?
Ern: Nope, go right ahead
Freak: Oh I'm not using it I just wanted to move it for you
Ern: It's not bothering me
Freak: I'll move it if you want..
Ern: Yeah I'm good thanks.....

Mitchell's reply to the Freak story: "Freaky McFreak sounds very polite and considerate. You should let him stick it in, but just a little bit."

Top 5

Top 5 random facts about Hawaii

- Japanese people are everywhere
- Sushi is found everywhere; 7-11, Breakfast Buffets and etc.
- Coach is the new Starbucks! There were three boutiques on the street we stayed on
- There are about 97912717 Hip Hip and R&B Radio Stations in Honolulu
- The CHI does nothing for your hair in the Honolulu humidity

Mitchell's Top 5 Favorite Booster Juice Flavors:

5- Very Berry
4- Tropical Tornado
3- Breezy Banana
2- Mango Hurricane
1- Strawberry Sunshine

Lame.

This Week's Eff You

- Ern's sunburn and the blisters that immediately followed
- People with white crusties on the side of their mouth
- Dove deodorant
- Walmart
- Mitchell going AWOL on Ern
- Men that hang kitty stained underwear in their car
- People that respond a half smile when you say Good Morning. Yeah I got a half smile for you too!

Daily Key Points

Mitchestine is ovulating today! - Wednesday June 7, 2006.

Wow the blog kinda sucks without pictures - so here are a few pictures I managed to upload a few pics before the system crashed. ENJOY!

Hanauma Bay

Polynesian Centre

Waikiki Beach

Party on the Cruise

Sunset Cruise

Next blog entry (Sunday night) will be the best blog ever to make up for the lack of postings and this week's half-ass post.

WE LOVE OUR READERS!
REMEMBER THIS BLOG IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU BITCHES! :)

Aloha Bitches!

2006-05-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

Recent Email Subject Lines
Confirmation Date for Work-It-Out Seminar
Rescinded Document Notification - %Jo!San1208.xls

Holla Holla!! It's the beginning of another work week... for everyone except Ern, because she's in Hawaii! Although I'm not exactly sure what part of the beautiful tropical island she is visiting, I think it's somewhere like this:

So Ern won't be back until next weekend, so that means that everyone gets 3 consecutive postings of MITCHELL MITCHELL MITCHELL! I'm going to have to be on hypersensitive eavesdropping mode to make up for all of the quotes that Ern won't be here to contribute. Ern, it's not weird to comment on your own blog if you are in another country! We all miss you and want to know how your trip is going!

In other news, one of Mitchestine's most faithfull and long-time readers Chrissy will be coming out to Calgary for a short visit this weekend!

It's been a couple of tough weeks since America's Next Top Model wrapped up... Wednesday nights just aren't the same, but good news - Canada's Next Top Model starts this week!

Everyone be sure to tune in to the Wednesday posting of Mitchestine for updates, gossip and saucy commentary.

Quote Time!

Kirk: How's it going?
Ern: Good Morning.
Kirk: That doesn't answer my question.

Ern: Just calling to confirm my appointment today
Receptionist: Yep 4:00.
Ern: What is the procedure exactly?
Receptionist: We are going to stick a thousand needles in your arm
Ern: ...
Receptionist: Just kidding! We'll stick about 15.
Ern:...aren't you going to stay just kidding?
Receptionist: No I'm serious, see you then!*click*
Ern:...

Kirk: There are no such things as Asian jokes
Ern: Ugh.

*Bruce picks up my mint box*
Bruce: What the eff? This isn't cheese.

Kirk: What are you doing this weekend?
Ern: Going to Hawaii
Kirk: WHAAAAAT???
Ern: Ugh.

Oh wow, there's not a single quote from me... how sad.

So last week, we read about how Mitchell became a Momo, and today we have the story about how Ern became a fag hag! In Ern's own words:

"This is a true story - when I was in gr6 I had a crush on thisFilipinoguy and we talked on the phone everyday during the summer. One day heasked to watch a movie with me and I was pretty psyched! I wasn'tallowed b/c my mother thought he was going to stick it in so I cried.Anyway then he told me he was a mo and how I was his best friend andhehas boyfriend. His boyfriend was older and let him sit on his lap andthen I cried some more. Yeah and then that's how the life of Fag HagErn started..oh and of course I meat more sweet sweet mos along thewayand helped Jeff prance out of the closet!"

Melinda, our foreign correspondant writes this special piece on the puzzling city that is Edmonton:

I was given this assignment Carte Blanche, roughly translated into Blank Cheque. I can only assume that monetary gratuities are being sent to my current address as we speak. So I will do my best to entertain for this sum of money that is being whisked to me by magical kittens and trolls.

I will start with a Jo San, bitches! Even though it's Sunday evening and you're pooped from a weekend of hard partying and you want to relax, Sixty Minutes style, but without that damn annoying stopwatch.

Fear not, Melinda is here to bring you good tidings of great joy. Edmontonians appear to be getting dumber as the play offs continue. Either that or they're just taking a cue from Ms. Kiki Drunkst and deciding to let it out at more and more inappropriate times.

Question, a reasonable young couple is walking down the street in the direction of city, do they want to be accosted with a giant martini glass and made to "Clink" it? The answer, good and faithful readers, is no.

Unlike the Red Mile, violence abounds on "White Avenue." In one night, not even a series winning game, there were over twenty people arrested in connection with twelve stabbings. As long as Edmonton is attempting to kill off their own, we say let them. Calgary will reign supreme in its fight for provincial dominance once all of the Edmontonians have killed each other for no apparent reason beyond "He was standing too close to me on the street."

To help this along, I dream of a world where alcohol, cigarettes, and guns are available at a drive through window and you can use them all before you get home.

PS. If you're not offended yet, how about this? All midgets are really robots!

Now finally, some fantastic news - Mitchestine is back on Google! Yay! Until Wednesday...

Ern says: I need a big top and small bottom

2006-05-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Comments regarding Ethnic Wall Transaction; and
FW: Crabs Mc Honda La Dover - Hanover Property.

Jo Jo Wednesday everyone! Happy Hump la Crunk day! I just want to say a HUGE Thank You to everyone that came to my Surprise Birthday Party last Friday! It couldn't have come at a better time - I was pretty emo from work last week and I was pretty close to munching on my own wrist...

Also - huge thanks to Sonia and Mitchell for my sweet birthday gift! A Lulu Lemon outfit along with Hot Yoga passes! Is this a "we think you're fat" gift? Maybe..I love it!

What's New with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell has been extremely bored at work - to kill time he plays Suduko while listening to smooth Jazz music. To attract attention he pretends his staple is a gun and shoots at anyone that walks by his office PEW PEW!

Ern recovered from her awful E-Coli, Stomach Flu, Forgot to take No Baby Pill pain! Thank You to all the Get Well cards along with the cranberry juice delivered to my door.

Random Birthday Quotes (that Mitchell forgot)

Bitchy Sushi Waitress: I think your party is here
Mitchell: What do they look like?
Waitress: The girl has poofy hair and the guy is about this tall (about this tall is apparently 4 feet)
Mitchell: Yep that's them!

*It was teased bitch!*

Joe: Are you excited about the Bahamas?
Ern: Actually it's Hawaii
Joe: Is it different?
Ern: Yes it's different than the Bahamas. It's Hawaii..

*Everyone taking pictures of Ern and her cake*
Jay: There are so many Asians in here with cameras that it feels like Banff

Jen: something something about MJ
Jay: OMG you did not just say MJ it's Mah Jong!

Jay: How do you play Mah Jong without a computer?

*Waitress brings out sushi boat*
Jen: This is the boat I came on

Jay: Take a picture with your people!
*Our people = Geisha Doll on the TV*

Ern's Mom: Who's VCD is this? *referring to Jay's Asian porn gift* I'm opening it!

Quotes from Ern's Mom after seeing Sunday's post b-day pictures

Mother: Your face is wide
Ern: :(

Mother: Which one is Mitchell?
Ern: :(

Mother: You need to lose 5 pounds on your face
Ern: :(

Mother: Those aren't your teeth - they aren't that white
Ern: :(

Quotes from the Office

Kirk: I like your hair today
Ern: Thanks... *shifty eyes*
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "that is the nicest..."
Ern: NO!

Bruce: Can you pull a bill on file #666 - we should bill this guy before he goes to jail
Ern: That dude that was in your office last week? He was RUDE!
Bruce: Why?
Ern: I said "Hi" and he just stared at me
Bruce: Yeah...well he's going to jail
Ern: Good!

Mitchell: There's a notification on the fax machine, it says the invoice you sent to Nova Chemicals didn't go through.
Julie: Oh I know why! I'm such an idiot.
Mitchell: It says that on there too.

Bruce: Why didn't you check out of that document on Friday?
Ern: I forgot - was Kirk really mad?
Bruce: Yes he wanted to kill someone
Ern: Yeah he does that a lot

Kirk: What the hell is that?
Ern: An Asian Pear
Kirk: That's racist

Julie: Wow, I love your glasses, they make you look so much smarter.
Mitchell: ...
Julie: Uh... they make you look smart... not smarter...
Mitchell: ...
Julie: And older! They make you look smart and older.
Mitchell: That's better.

Carrie: How was HiFi?
Ern: Crappy! Someone made a racist Asian comment so we left
Carrie: Did you stab them with that little knife in your pocket
Ern: You're racist..

Jodi: My cousin got us the sickest bridesmaid's dress! It's tight all over and I can't bend over
Ern: Oh..that's important at weddings
Jodi: Yeah! If you want to have a good time

Ask Mitchestine

Wow this week we have not one but effing three Dear Mitchestine.

Dear Mitchestine,

I am giving birth to my very first baby at the end of June. My life partner and I are excited to enjoy eating the placenta after the baby is born, and was wondering if you have any good recipes?

Sincerely,
Aspiring Placenta Chef

Dear Hungry,

Congratulations on your first baby! Your baby will be born under the Cancer sign. The Cancer sign is known to be very overly sensitive so you eat that placenta good! The Mitchestine has a batch full of recipes but it is recommended to eat the placenta in it's original form for best results. However, if you enjoy any type of Asian cuisine we have the perfect recipe for you!

You will need:

- placenta
- 3 bok choys
- 2 salty thousand year old eggs
- a whole chicken
- 30 grams of truffles; and
- yams (optional)

Chop all the vegetables and peel the duck eggs. Steam all ingredients (excluding chicken and placenta) in a large Asian steamer for about 3-29 hours. When all ingredients are steamed stuff them in the cooked chicken along with the placenta. Pour some soya sauce on it and enjoy!

Love,
Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

I love reading your blog, I tune in every single Sunday and Wednesday. I would love to be able to comment, but I don't know how! Please help!

Yours Truly,
Clueless about Commenting

Dear Dumb Dumb,

Simply click on 'COMMENTS' and click on other or anonymous to leave a comment! We love comments!

Love,
Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

My step father offered to buy me breast implants. Is something fishy about this?

Awaiting your reply,
Flat in Florida

Dear D Flat,

Absolutely not! How dare you question your step father's love! Did you know it's Father's day soon - you get the boob job done and you show it to him on Father's Day.

Love,
Mitchestine

Keep the questions coming! Mitchestine's e-mail is currently pending in progress so please leave any questions in our comments section!

Did You Ever Wonder....

People often ask me (usually my mother) on a daily basis, "Is Mitchell really gay?" "Do you think he's just pretending to be gay and he's really in love with you?" "Will he turn straight tomorrow?". UGH. Mitchell is out and he'll never go back in that dirty straight closet. In fact, when he came out of the closet he was wrapped with a towel that said "I'm Coming Out!".

Anyway, I'm sure you have all wondered how and when this all started. When Mitchell was about 7 years old he was at the Calgary Downtown Public Library aka Bum's Paradise with his father. Somewhere between reading a My Little Pony book and making himself dizzy he found a deck of cards. Not any deck of cards it had pictures of naked WOMEN! Yep he got scared and called his father. Mitchell's dad was outraged and appalled and as a result he stuffed them in a garbage can under three pieces of tissue. Yep true story! So if you ever want to hear Mitchell scream and moan throw a deck of dirty cards at him!

*Next week: "How Ern become a Fag Hag"

Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

Wow, I have honestly stepped out of my office like twice today... that's pretty bad. What's the weather like? Ooh maybe it will be cold/damp enough for me to wear my new jacket tonight. I hope so. Does your firm have any jobs for me? I'm not really sure what I would want to do, but maybe there is an opening for the Director of Fabulosity?

Hmm, enough about Me Me Me... don't homeless people make you sad? There, that was my non-self-centeredness for the day. My Mom would be proud.

That's all for now! Have an awesome week everyone!

You Can't Spell "Wrong" Without "Wong"!

2006-05-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
Friday Cheque Log - SAN8865JO54
Canadian Agriculture Safety Council - Proposal

Happy Tuesday Everyone!! I was a little confused as to how to do the post due to the long weekend, but I realized that most of our readers are fellow office workers, and as such will be tuning in on Tuesday Morning at the start of their shortened work week. Also, everyone will only have to wait 2 days until they can read Ern's Wednesday Post!!

Let's get to it bitches!

What's new with Mitchestine??
It's been a beautiful weekend, but unfortunately Ern has not been able to really enjoy it. Why? She has Food Poisoning!!

We aren't completely sure where this condition originated, although investigations are currently underway at an undisclosed McDonald's location. As we all know, I had food poisoning just last week, so of course I feel Ern's pain.

Michael Kors is still not back from the dealership. Eff.

In other news, Ern bought custom teeth-whitening trays! Who do you think has whiter teeth?

*Note: Sparkles may or may not have been added to enhance the outcome of this photograph

There have been some rather amusing quotes of late, so let's get to them!

Ern: Ugh..Chubby one is talking about some lady here that looks like a man. I have no idea what the eff he's talking about.
Carrie: Nice..... you need to tell him "That's no man, that's Kirsty Alley"..... obviously he's been watching those Jenny Craig commercials and getting confused.

(I called the Rental Car place and made a reservation with "Truong". When I went in there an Asian guy asked if he could help me.)
Mitchell: Oh, I think I just spoke to you on the phone, are you Truong?
Enterprise Guy: Uhh no, my name is Aidan.

Carrie: Did you see that Asian girl at the elevator with the long black hair and big boobs?
Ern: Umm..was it me?
Carrie: No.
Ern: :(

Trainer at the gym: What's your sign again?
Ern: Gemini.
Trainer: My last 5 girlfriends were Gemini's...I'll never learn.
Ern: Uh huh...*puts on head phones*

Karen (while commenting on Wednesday's Post): I'm confused and I don't know why.

Carrie: So is everything okay now?
Ern: Meh forgive and forget.
Carrie: I can't believe Chubby didn't even do anything about it.
Ern: Yeah Chubby use to be on my side.
Carrie: Chubby needs to be on Jenny Craig's side!

Brent: Have you ever seen the Sound of Music?
Ern: Yes have you?
Brent: No but I know all the songs.
Ern: Name three of them and sing one
Brent: No.

Julie: Is your internot networking?
Mitchell: Ummm did you mean to say "Is your internet not working?"
Julie: Maybe.

Now due to the overwhelming success of last Wednesday's Dear Mitchestine, we have had a huge inflow of letters from readers seeking advice. This brings us to this week's installment of

Dear Mitchestine,

My boyfriend peed on me last night. Is this normal?

Sincerely,
Wondering about Watersports

Dear Wondering about Watersports,

In China when a baby is born the mother drinks the baby's pee because it has a lot of nutrients and vitamins.

Was your boyfriend conscious when he peed on you? If he wasn't then he has what Doctors call a 'medical condition' and that's clearly a REDFLAG so move on honey!

If he did it intentionally well then you just got peed on.

Mitchestine isn't overly familiar with Watersports but if played correctly you can win without getting wet.

Love,
Mitchestine

A large amount of Mitchestine readers were at Sushi Ichiban on Friday night... why, do you ask...?

Yes, the guestlist read like an Oscar After-Party, and was thrown by Yours Truly and Party Planner Extrodinaire Jen! Please enjoy some of the fantastic photography that follows:

Thank you to all who came, and especially to the anonymous Mitchestine reader who presented Ern with the most fantastic gift she could ever ask for:

I think we all know that this special gift will get a lot of use. That's all for today! As always, don't forget to comment!!

Almost long weekend..?

2006-05-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

Recent Subject Lines:
FW: Crabby Form UF - Memorandum
Fwd: FW: Symantec Corporation - 2008 Client Account Bid
Fwd: RE: Cinnamoroll Account Expenses re: Towa McOwa

Jo Effing San everyone! Happy hump day everyone! It's almost the long weekend and Mitchestine are going camping! Nope that's a lie.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Last week's blog entry we discussed about TinyE wanting Mitchell's tapioca pearls. Because Mitchell had food poisoning last week TinyE brought him some congee and duck eggs. How sweet of him! There was a note attached to the the duck eggs that said "Stick it in me!".

Ern is emo.....ugh what's new?

Mitchestine loves Margaret Cho! Here's a wonderful picture of her and a big gay:

Quotes

Voicemail: You have 12 new messages
Kirk: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK

Bruce: Where were you this weekend?
Kirk: Not here
Bruce: That doesn't answer my question

Mandy: You two are the perfect team, your skills compliment each others so well.
Frank: Yeah, I've got the looks and Mitchell has the brains.
Mitchell: I don't like that.

Frank: (shouting) Thanks!
Mitchell: (shouting back) You're welcome??
Julie: He's on a conference call.
Mitchell: Oh. Why is he shouting?

*Kirk comes walking in with food from Burger King*

Bruce: Burger King!?! Are you high?
Kirk: Ugh
Bruce: Wasn't there a Wendy's?
*Ern giggling*
Bruce: What's so funny? Do you know a lot about getting high and then eating at Burger King?
Ern: No...

Mitchell: What should we have for healthy snack day?
Frank: Donuts!
Mitchell: We are not having donuts.

Bruce: Does Sally not work here anymore?
Ern: Ugh. Sally stopped working here during Christmas or probably before that.

Mitchell: EW!!
Mitchell's Mom: What?
Mitchell: Vivica A. Fox's boob job.
Mitchell's Mom: ...

*Ern reading Pink*

Kirk: Ugh. How does that site benefit your life? Does it change it in anyway?
Ern: Britney is a bad mom.

Brent: Get out of my document!
Ern: It's not yours!
Bruce: Yes it is. I'm going to sell it to a client.
Kirk: Like a sleazy used car salesman

*Ern reading Perez and the sidebar has a bunch of GAY this and that ads*

Kirk: That looks like a good website send me the link
Ern:...

*Talking about our monthly kitty*
Jen: It also reassures me that I'm not with child.

Caren: Some broad is wearing the same dress I am! Who does she think she is?
Ern: I'm sorry to hear that? Do you want me to go stab her?
Caren: Oh you Asians are so violent!

Jay: Hi! I'd like to make a reservation for the patio this evening
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry no reservations.
Jay: Do you know who I am?
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry... no.
Jay: :(

*On a side note Jay is now ordering one gillion quail eggs. Take that Towa!

Only in the North East

We often write blurbs about the North East and I'm sure a lot of you are wondering "where is this North East?" Well somewhere between Sunridge Mall, the Leisure Centre, Ern's House, Reef and Beef and Mitchell's house you will find the heart of the North East. We've collaborated a list of REAL scenarios that happened in the North East:

- Michael Kors get broken into :(
- Someone leaves a couch on their lawn with a sign that says 'TAKE ME' and Ern's mom puts it on her lawn with a sign that says '$10.00'
- Mattresses with dirty stains are left on the side of the road
- Grow Ops on every other block (Buy 2 grams get the 3rd gram at half price!)
- A Taxi does some crazy reverse driving
- A random orange Enmax cone in front of Ern's house
- A big empty box in front of Ern's house...
- A suspicious absence of Mormon's going door to door.
- Someone throws an old bed on their front lawn and it stays there so long grass starts to grow over it.
- People fight over abandoned shopping carts
- People burn garbage to cook when they don't have a BBQ

This week's Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My husband just told me that he's hungry for homo's... what do I do?

- Straight and Worried.

Dear Straight and Worried:

Good question! You've come to the right place the Momo (Mitchell) and Emo Fag-Hag (Ern) will try our best to help you out. Now before we answer your question you have to understand that Ern is notorious for turning straight men gay ie: Jeff B. no wait that's too obvious we'll call him J. Bryan. What's her secret? Who cares, just keep your husband away from her.

Try a little bit of role-playing in the bedroom. Pretend you are the burly Head Coach of his baseball team and that he is the aspiring athlete who will do ANYTHING to make it in the big leagues. Needless to say, a baseball bat is an important prop.

Just remember that nowadays, who isn't hungry for mo's? I know Mitchestine is! Bon Appetite!

Keep the questions/comments coming!

This week's Eff You

- Mitchell has to pay $250 out of pocket expense to get Michael Kors back :(
- The pimple in Ern's mystery spot
- Crumbs look-a-like at the bottom of Ern and Mitchell's purse
- Completing the Alberta Census form..what the eff?

Well this isn't really an EFF YOU but a WHAT THE EFF?

YES! That's correct! You can pay to 'shower only' in a public facility. Now I'm not sure who wants to shower for $3.10 but the price isn't bad considering you can shower all you want. However you will have to push the 'shower button' every two seconds and I can see how that can get annoying.

Mitchell: Heheh, a true Asian would buy a shower pass and then sneak into the pool.

Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

"I forgot that Monday is SwimDay for Ern. I'm going to take my sisters' car to get washed, poor Donatella is filthy, not like when I was her Daddy."

"I'm not sure what to wear to watch ANTM... maybe a tube top?"

CONGRATULATIONS GHETTO McGAPPY!

YAY! I'm so glad that Danielle won! She's effing beautiful and talented! It's pictures like the one above that prove she has what it takes to be the ANTM Cycle 6 winner. I love her gap and the "in your effing face" attitude. I'm really glad that Jade wasn't in the final two. Also what the hell was up with her Cover Girl commercial? You can't make up random words! This isn't Easy Breezy Beautiful Tranny. Although, Joanie lost I'm 99.9% sure that she will get signed somewhere with some hoidy toidy agency.

I'm not too sure what the Mitchestine are going to gossip about now that ANTM is over. Next week is the beginning of Canada's Next Top Model..ugh that's it - just a simple UGH.

Mitchestine's Proverb of the Week.

"To avoid Sars wear a Sars mask."

Have a SUPER long weekend Bitches!