Sorry Bitches! Due to personal, confidential and undisclosed reasons Mitchestine is unable to update this week. However, keep checking back we might just squeeze in an entry!

Good Anh for now!

Words of the Week:

pro·bate - n.

The process of legally establishing the validity of a will before a judicial authority.

Judicial certification of the validity of a will.

An authenticated copy of a will so certified.

a·nus - n. pl. a·nus·es

The opening at the lower end of the alimentary canal through which solid waste is eliminated from the body.

Mitchell is crabbing everyone in Vancouver

Hola Hola has Dora the Explorer would say. Happy Hump Day! Is it just me or does everyone get a little bit lazy on hump day? Although, how many of you out there actually get to hump someone on Wednesdays? Anyone?

What's new with Mitchestine

Mitchell is currently in Vancouver crabbing every cute mo that passes his sight. He is also going to try all the Bubble Tea Shops there and report back with a Due Diligence Memorandum. As a result, this blog entry will be all me me and me.


Ern has about 1297849724 mosquito bites. She has so many on her ankles they have turned into cankles. Does she have West Nile? Maybe but she hasn't washed her hand (or her kitty) ever since she touched Chris Carrabba's hand.


Lots and lots of Quotes!!

Jen: Should we go to U&ME?
Mitchell: What do you want to do me?

Ern: I saw Dashboard Confessional last night
Steve: Yellow Card?
Ern: Ugh

Ken: I was at Twisted on Friday
Ern: We went on Saturday night
Ken: I looked for that freaky photo shop boy (referring to Mitchell)
Ern: He is not freaky

Kirk: Nice jeans!
Ern: Thanks..
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "That is the nicest..."
Ern: No

Brent: How was your weekend?
Ern: Good, didn't do much
Brent: Yeah you never do
Ern: :(

Nick: Where are your cowboy boots?
Ern: I don't own a pair
NIck: WHAT?!??
Ern: Ugh

Kirk: How do you pronounce this? *pointing at a Vietnamese Pho restaurant menu*
Ern: Fuh
Kirk: I am pretty sure it's Foe no wait Foo
Ern: Ugh

Larry: What the eff? Didn't you get the memo?
Brent: What memo?
Larry: Uh..it's Stampede Week! Why are you wearing a suit?
Brent: It's comfortable, look how much room I have in my pants
Larry: No

Kirk: Are you going to the Stampede Party?
Ern: No, you're probably the 29184th person to ask me today
Kirk: Because Carrie isn't going?? You guys aren't joint at the hip
Ern: I like to think we are, she is my best friend at work
Kirk: What the eff? Is this elementary? Best friends...

20 minutes later

Kirk: I'm buying your ticket to the Stampede Party, now you have to come
Ern: No! Just give me the money
Kirk: So you can buy food?
Ern: :(



Kirk: I called the Vietnamese restaurant and the lady pronounced Foe not whatever you said
Ern: No she didn't! It's pronounced Fuh like F-U-H
Kirk: F-U?? I'm hurt :(

Ern: Oh I love your cowboy outfit today!
Brent: I know I look like Garth Brooks
Ern: Hehe
Brent: You're too young to know who he is
Kirk: Yeah what are you were you born? '89?
Ern: Yep!

Mitchell's Mom: Are you going out with Ern tonight?
Mitchell: Yes
Mitchell's Mom: Is her boyfriend in a gang?
Mitchell: Ugh
Mitchell's Mom: The gang called 'Dragon Boats'?

Non-Mitchestine Quote

This week's Non-Mitchestine quote comes from our good friend Christina. While she was talking to her friend Linda (who works at the mall) on MSN here's what happened:

Linda: A Native just came in the store, I have to go now. *signs offline*
Christina: ....

Question of the Day: What exactly is tape worm?

Safe to Eat and Not to be Wasted

Wikipedia's Definition of Tape Worm: In biology, Cestoda is the class of parasitic flatworms, called tapeworms, that live in the digestive tracts of vertebrates as adults and often in the bodies of various animals as juveniles. In a tapeworm infection, adults absorb food predigested by the host, so the worms have no need for a digestive tract or a mouth. Large tapeworms are made almost entirely of reproductive structures with a small "head" for attachment. Symptoms vary widely, depending on the species causing the infection. Symptoms may include upper abdominal discomfort, diarrhea, and loss of appetite. However, infestations are usually asymptomatic. Worm segments or eggs may be found in the stool of an infected person.

CAUTION: ANOTHER REALLY GROSS PICTURE BELOW.

Be careful the next time you stuff your face Pho or any type of noodle soup!

Gossip!



Now that Big Brother All Star has started I have something to look forward to on Tuesday, Thursdays and Saturday nights. I love everyone on this summer's Big Brother! People I'm cheering for:

- Kaysar
- Janelle; and
- Marcellas.

I was very sexually attracted to Dr. Will in the second season but he's gotten way too cocky this season. Also is it just me or did he get a lot of work done to his face? He looks like a completely different person..well yes he's clearly Chubs Galore right now but I can't seem to put my finger on what exactly is different.




I also love Rockstar Supernova. I don't like the group SuperNova (ugh what an awful name) because they are all old has been farts! Ugh. Seriously how old are they? Rockstars I'm cheering for:

- Magni; and
- Dilana

The Hills is getting so interesting! I love how Heidi dropped out of school to stuff envelopes aka her 'Dream Job'! When I say I 'love' I mean I feel really sorry for her because she will lose her looks in 5 years and have nothing. Big Boo to LC for calling Jason Mc Don'tShave back! They make such an awkward couple. Why is she even with him? He's nasty. Adrianna looks freakishly similar to Tiffany Amber Theissen "Who's That?" you ask well she was skinny on Save By the Bell and then slutty on Beverly Hills 90210.



Oh Thanks to Christina for informing Mitchestine that Nasty Mc Alex from Laguna is dating Nick Carter! What the eff is exactly what we were thinking.



In addition Scary Spice and Eddie Murphy are a couple..? Very random.

This Week's Eff You

- The rain which lead to hail
- Mosquito Bites
- Tacky Stampede outfits
- Men that have a sick fetish with women underwear
- Fake fur
- Vaseline
- People that don't wipe down their bench at the gym






That's all from me bitches! Enjoy the rest of Stampede Week! Try get to someone/anyone to stick it in as much as possible! Seacrest Out!


P.S. Mitchell will be back Sunday night there is no guarantee if there will be an update then so just suck it up.

Stampede Time!

Jo San! Nai ho mah! Yes, it's Stampede Time here in Calgary, and that means that all of the Asian readers of Mitchestine should be there today! Why? It's Family Day, which means free admission AND food!

Here are some fun Stampede Facts:
-Each year, approximately 1,844,286 Mini Donuts are consumed
-The Stampede Casino needs nearly six tons of coins to open and operate
-Harry the Horse Mascot wears size 38.5 shoes (and has a 72' kitty)

What's New With Mitchestine?
I have had an effing cold for two weeks and I still can't shake it. I think the only recipe for that is more bubble tea.

Ern has been very busy this past week. She's been having her portrait painted, and has spent the entire time sitting very still and holding her puppy Boss.

Innapropriate Humor of the Week
Mitchestine reader Christina was nice enough to share her wisdom of disgusting sexual deeds during the last Mitchestine/Triple Threat date. The highlight of her enlightened teachings was the "Pink Sock". It is out of sheer and morbid horror that I pass on this information to the rest of the readers, but if you would like to find out more about the "Pink Sock", click here. An even better idea, however, is to not click the link. Just don't.

Cute Atticus Picture of the Week!

Aww, cutest dog ever.

Twisted Night!
Mitchestine and Quannifer made a cameo at Twisted Element this weekend.







For those of you who have never been to Twisted before, there are some important Rules of Conduct:

1- There is the same washroom for boys and girls
2- Creepy old mo's will come to the bar alone and try and dance with you. Do not make eye contact
3- Watch out for cracked out mo's that will try to sell you drugs... or buy drugs from you
4- When drag queens are dressed up, they are referred to as "She". When they are not in drag, they are "He's".
5- Dim Sum at U&ME is mandatory afterwards

Goodnight!

Dashboard Confessional - June 7, 2006 at Jack Singer

Jo San Fatties!

Let me give you guys the fat man scoop on last night's amazing concert. As many of you know Dashboard Confessional is one of my all time emo-slit-your-wrist band! I've been waiting to see them ever since I got their tickets (couple months ago) and you have no idea how psyched I was! Kitty and I arrived at roughly 7:15 and John Ralston was already performing (very odd...). We've never heard of him before but it doesn't matter because he was just okay. Immediately following Dallas Green aka City and Color did a few songs. He was really great! I'm honestly not a big fan of Green or his "Save Your Scissors" BS but his voice last night was amazing. Just when you thought Dashboard was emo..no you are wrong.

Finally! Dashboard came on stage at roughly 8:30. They prepared such an awesome set! It had an Asian theme with colourful lanterns everywhere. I'm so glad they did a lot of their old stuff because their new CD is just okay. Ugh.

Here's a list of the songs performed last night:

-Heaven Here
-Rooftops and Invitations
-The Good Fight
-Turpentine Chaser
-Places you have come
-Swiss Army Romance
-The Secret's In The Telling
-Ghost of a Good Thing
-So Long, So Long
-For you to Notice
-The Best Deceptions
-Dusk and Summer
-Rapid Hope Loss
-Screaming Infidelities
-Remember to breathe (extended)
-Don't Wait

Encore:

-Vindicated
-Hands Down

Unfortunately, I did not bring a camera last night. Although, I'm not sure how they would have turned out b/c I was too close to the stage (second row). And FatsGalore was blocking my view majority of the night because he was right in front of me. Anyway, here are some pictures from someone that did manage to sneak in their camera!








DC Quotes

Kitty: When are they going to play Vindicated?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: Wow you're really into this
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: How do you know every song?
Ern: Ugh

Kitty: When are they going to play As Lovers Go?
Ern: Ugh

Ern: I need to somehow get on that stage
Kitty: Ugh

P.S. I touched Chris Carrabba's Hand!

Sneak a Peek Peek!

Jo effing Sanjo Fatties!

Happy Hump La Thursday Day everyone! This week is a short week and as a result this will be a short post. Today is the first official day of Stampede!! Well technically it's Sneak a Peek day..but here's a YEEHAW from Mitchestine!

What's new with Mitchestine?

Not much, not much at all.

Mitchestine will be making a special appearance this Saturday night at Twisted! We will also be bringing along some special guests. Everyone come party with us!

Quotes

Kirk: It's my Birthday!
Ern: No it's not
Kirk: Yes it is!
Ern: Nope I diarised it! *looks at calendar* OMG it is! Happy Birthday...

Mitchell: *coughing*
Keith: What's up Coughy McPhlegmbag?
Mitchell: Gross.

Kirk: I appreciate you *hands over can of OJ*
Ern: Ugh.



Christina: *drops her BBT on the floor*
Everyone: *gasps* OMG...

Ern: They paged you like 10 times today
Carrie: I know! Everyone wants me. I feel like the Company's whore.

Kirk: *whistles* I am not whistling AT you, I'm just whistling.
Ern: Ugh I know.
Kirk: Because that would be Sexual Harassment
Ern: Yeah I get it.

Fred: Do you want to buy a ticket to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No

Caren: Ern, are you going to the Company's Stampede Party?
Ern: No, are you?
Caren: Bitch, please.

Ern: How long is your conference next week?
Mitchell: Oh it's very long...very long. So long. Maybe you will get to see it one day.
Ern: No

Onar: What are you drinking?
Ern: Singapore Sling
Onar: Don't you get that every time?
Ern: Um, yes. Although, this is the second time we've ever met.

Jay: I saw a homeless person jacking off next to the Mary Brown's head office

Amar: My Geisha!
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Jay: Ern, are you tight?

Theresa: Does Mitchell have a girlfriend yet?

Jay: I think a Lotus is a symbol of the trans-gender community.
Justin: Isn't a Lotus an insect? ...no wait that's a locust.



Niggar: *whips out her boob to show her new nipple ring*
Mitchell: :-O

Justin: Ern, are you Japanese?
Jay: Aren't you Korean?
Mitchell: No one really knows

Top5

Ern's Top5 favourite BBT drinks:



5. Taro
4. Strawberry and Papaya
3. Watermelon
2. Strawberry and Mango
1. Strawberry and Pineapple

This Week's Eff You

- Sweating on the C-train
- The Price of Stampede Ride Tickets
- Mosquito bites
- Trashy highlights
- Asslee Simpson

Ask Mitchestine!

This week's Anonymous Ask Mitchestine comes from someone that is currently constipated. However, We have a idea who it is (Karen G.? No wait that was too obvious..Malaysian Mangler?)

Dear Mitchestine,

I am interested in trying a detox this month. Any recommendations?

- Poo Poo



Dear Poo Poo,

Ugh.

Where do I start? Ironically I had a conversation about detoxes in a conference e-mail with some bitches earlier this week. Quasi-Chiropractors recommends that every one should detox once a year when they turn 18 and three times a year when they turn 39.

What exactly is a Detox?

Wikipedia defines detoxing as:

Detox, short for detoxification, in general is the removal of toxic substances from the body. It is one of the functions of the liver and kidneys, but can also be achieved artificially by techniques such as dialysis and (in a very limited number of cases) chelation therapy.



I've tried a few detoxes in my years and the best are the ones that make you poo 20 times a day. The last detox I did I pooed out a lady bug her name is Sheila.

Love,

Mitchestine

On a sad note, our good friend Lady A is off to Montreal. He will be working in a French factory making red barrettes for 14 hours a day. In return he will be allowed to eat all the french bread in the world. We miss already.

That's all from me btiches!! It's apparently hailing outside so stay dry! Have a wonderful Stampede Weekend!

AHH

Karen says: UPDATE BIZNATCHY!!
Ern says: I'm sorry I just got home
Ern says: I won't update until tomorrow
Karen says: AHHHHHHH
Karen says: why are we friends?

Yes Karen, Why are we friends...?

Sorry bitches no update for Wednesday because it's a short week and I had to stay effing over time! Come back tomorrow!

Rocket in my Pocket

Hi hi! It has been eleven years since I last had an update... indeed work has taken precendence over Mitchestine, which is horrible and wrong. As an act of pennance, I've taken the liberty of eating one whole pinecone. And not one of those soft crunchy ones... a hard pokey one. That's right, I do care.

What's new with Mitchestine?

Ern still has bronchitis, which has been further aggrivated by her singing her heart out to the new Dashboard CD. Ern spent the long weekend pushing the dim sum cart at her Family's restaurant in China Town.

I have also contracted some sort of hybrid disease which has caused me to competely loose my voice. I can't even yell at Julie for gabbing on the phone all day with her boyfriend. I'm also off to the Bubble Tea Capital of Canada (Vancouver) in a week for a conference. I've been training really hard in preparation of consuming vasts amounts of coconut jelly.

Quote(s)

*talking about dim sum*
Theresa: It's really hot and it cmoes out fast, but I know you're really good at eating fast.
Ern: That's what he said.

Ern: Do you know how to use chopsticks?
Mitchell: ...

Ask Mitchestine

Dear Mitchestine,

I hear that green apples make a nice decorative touch in minimalistic spaces. I like this idea, but I'm worried that it is wasteful. What do you suggest?

Sincerely,
Environmentally Stylish

***

Dear Environmentally Stylish,

Ugh.

Warm Regards,
Mitchestine

What is Mitchestine Reading??

Mitchestine is often approached for literary advice and recommendations. As everyone knows, Mitchestine doesn't like to be bothered, so we've decided to add this new section.

Mitch...

The Alchemist is about a boy on a journey to discover his "Personal Legend". It's full of deep thought and profound artsiness, and just a smidgen of homoerotic undertones. Final Verdict: It will change your life.

...estine

Kimora Lee Simmons is arguably the most fabulous being that ever existed. She's also giving Star Jones-Reynolds a run for the title of most plastic surgerized ethnic celebrity. This book is a play by play on how to climb the mountain of fabulosity and ejaculate all over the world. Final Verdict: You're not fabulous enough to even pick this book off the shelf.

Eff You!

What kind of Mitchestine post wouldn't have just a lil' bit of anxst?

Eff to Pastel's Cafe in the Chinook Food Court. My Bubble Tea there was $6.50 and it tasted like an Orange Julius.

And a HUGE Eff to the ridiculous mosquito situation in Calgary. Nothing gives me more pleasure then hearing them splat on my windshield. Effers.

And finally, many birthday wishes go out to Jen, who celebrated her 62nd Birthday Pub Crawl this Saturday! Ole Ole Ole!

Happy Canada Day!

Due to the long weekend, the Sunday post will be postponed to Monday, July 2, 2006.

Highlights of tomorrow's post will include:

- Jen's Birthday Party
- What is Mitchestine Reading?
- Movie clips of Jake Gyllenhaal masturbating

...and so much more!

Happy Canada Day everyone!!