Today's High: 32 Effing Degrees!

Happy Hump La Mump day everyone! Can you believe this weather? I absolutely love it! This week's weather makes up for all the BS rain we got last week!

As most of you know, Mitchell is in charge of Sunday's blog and I (Ern) is in charge of Wednesday's blog. Because there wasn't an update last Sunday I understand that most of you are upset but that's life.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Ern has bronchitis...again.

I haven't spoken to Mitchell in days :( I have no idea what's new with him. The last I heard he was at some lame Golf Tournament..or something about being tied up in Simone's basement. As a result, this week's blog is all about Ern and Ern.

Quotes

Brent: Lord have mercy, what is that smell?
Ern: Cuticle cream

Ern: Good Morning!
Kirk: Morning big rims
Ern: Excuse me?
Kirk: The rims on your sunglasses...they're huge.
Ern: I like it

Brent: Is that duck?
Ern: Nope chicken
Brent: I'm pretty sure it's duck

*Ern showing Tee how to do dead lifts*

Ern: Stick your butt out more
Tee: Hehe okay *blushes like a tomato*

Brent: Good work!
Ern: Thanks! That's the nicest thing you've ever said me
Brent: WTF? It is? I take it back
Ern: :(

Lisa: How do you get your teeth so white?
Ern: Hehe that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me
Lisa: Uh..that wasn't really a comment more like a question
Ern: Let's not get technical

Freak in the elevator: Sorry
Ern: For what?
Freak: Interrupting your ride
Ern: Uh...that's okay
Freak: What's your name?
Ern: No

Ask Mitchestine

This Week's Ask Mitchestine comes from last week's blog reader/commenter.

So Mitchestine....I'd like to ask a question. I was listening to Cypress Hill...and he was singing about getting high...he got an ounce through the mail.....now this is my question. How do you get an ounce through the mail??????

Sincerely yours,
Waiting patiently for an answer

Dear Patiently Waiting,

Well first of all who still listens to Cypress Hill? Are we living in 1996? No.

Ironically the same day I received your question there was a huge pill sitting on my desk. I would proudly say that this mysterious pill was about a gram. I recall requesting 2.5 grams but sometimes you have to compromise with the Vendor, you don't always get what you want. Now from experience, I know the Canada Post does not deal with the delivery of intoxicated drugs. So my suggestion is that you get some a mule to suck it in (carefully wrapped in a condom of course) and then poo it out when they reach to the North East!

I've taken initiative to ask our Drug Expert at Mitchestine, we'll call him Kitty and this is his response:

1/8 ounce is roughly 2.5 grams.
1/8 ounce of cocaine is often referred to as an eight-ball.

This Week's Eff You

This week's Eff You goes to the FREAK that's been leaving comments on our blog pretending to be Mitchell and/or Mitchestine.

Any true Mitchestine reader knows that we will never comment on our own blog.

Another Eff You goes towards MySpace.com. I'm not sure why everyone has an obsession with this site. I was signing up to win some DC crap on their website and one of their prizes were to get a chance to be on their MySpace TOP 8 friends?!? Ugh.

Gossip Mossip



I know for a fact that Peaches is huge in UK. However, I'm not sure if Calgarians even know who she is. No we are not talking about the fruit. Anyway, Peaches herself is coming to Calgary! YAY her show is apparently 18+ because her lyrics are very vulgar and she enjoys singing about sex. For example:

Suckin' on my kitties like you wanted me,
Callin me, all the time like blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches,
What else is in the teaches of peaches? huh? what?

*Please note that I've replaced a very NSFW word with the word 'kitties'.



Dashboard Confessional's new CD came out yesterday! I sneaked out of work at 10 a.m. like a little Asian rat to buy the new album at HMV. I love all the songs but why is the whole album only 40 mins? Chris you are way to emo to only have 40 mins of music. I strongly recommend Dusk & Summer to anyone that enjoys the summer and slitting their wrist.




Do I like the show The Hills? Maybe. I haven't fully decided yet. The Hills isn't what I expected..it's very different from Laguna Beach. I know for a fact that The Hills is scripted..come on! How odd of TeenVogue to let camera crews into their corporation without the guarantee of hiring LC? How are the cameras allowed everywhere? I'm certain there is a Privacy Protection Act that infringes on this madness. I personally will never go to a club if there's a camera there. No thanks.

Samuel L. Jackson;
Terri Hatcher; and
Josh Hartnett.

are all currently in Calgary!

They are staying at the Sheraton Eau Claire downtown!


More Chuck effing Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of
failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.

It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

This week's Happy Birthday goes out to 1/2 of Quaniffer...guess which one it is.



It's Jen...
Happy Birthday!

Okay that's all from me bitches! Until Sunday (or whenever they free Mitchell from the basement).

P.S. Don't forget to watch The Hills and Criss Angel - Mind Freak tonight on A&E

Karen says: I hard it's a Typhoon right now

** UPDATE

After a lot of hustling and sticking it in Mitchestine managed to get a pair of Mariah Carey tickets! We have the pre-sale password, big THANK YOU to Jen and her spirit fingers! We will gladly sell you the 'password' for 5.00 USD...per letter.

Wow majority of this blog's comments are about me forgetting a bunch of quotes. So here you go bitches!

Steve: Is Jamal a girl?

Ern: I heard sperm is good for your skin if you have eczema
Jen: Pew Pew!
Mitchell and Steve:.......

Tee: Yeah Scott's a rapper
Ern: What does he rap about? Bubbletea?

Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz are DUNZO!

Please please save Britney Justin! Let's reminisce...




Jo effing San Hoes and Bitches!

Today is the first official day of summer! Although, it clearly doesn't feel like summer because it's hailing outside!

What's new with the Mitchestine?






Mitchell called me on Monday morning at 8:30am with a girly squeal. I knew exactly what he wanted..tickets to see Miss Mariah Mimi Effing Carey! Oh my, you guys have no idea how excited the Mitchestine are that she's coming to town! The pre-sale is tomorrow morning at 10ish and if you happen to have the password please let us know! We would be forever grateful! We might even let you stick it in....

Last night we had a fun double date with Quannifer (aka Steve and Jen). We were at Fiore and there was a beautiful wedding going on...was it staged? Who cares! Here are some super cute pictures of us!

Also, we found out Michael Kors has speakerphone! Oops..if you heard "stick it in" more than once from an SUV in the NE yes that was Mitchestine and Jay.

Quotes

*Mitchell's Blackberry vibrates for the 9217397 time*
Ern and Quaniffer: Ugh.

Kitty: How's Mitchell?
Ern: Good, he got BBT for his Assistant. It was her first time and she hated it!
Kitty: Is she racist? Maybe he should've told her it was from Jugo Juice
Ern: You're racist

*Ern filling up her 2.2L water bottle*
Random guy in the lunch room: Deepak Chopra says drinking too much water is bad for you
Ern: Ugh.

Karen: Who the eff is Deepak Chopra?
Ern: Ugh. I don't know where to start to explain who Mr. Chopra is
Karen: I thought Deepak was a woman
Ern: Ugh.

Kelli: I tried BBT for the first time!
Ern: Oh great! Where?
Kelli: Bubblemania..it was gross.
Ern: Oh? Yeah that place is kinda gross and sketchy
Kelli: Why was there a pirate there?
Ern: Oh why not?

Brent: Hey woman, hook it up
Ern: Don't ever call me woman!

Fobby Guy at the gym: Can I work in between sets with you guys?
Ern: No, we'll be about ten minutes
Fobster: Wow!

Ern: Who's She-Ra?
Scott: Ugh.

Carrie: Do you want to have lunch with me and Lily Nguyen today?
Ern: No thanks, I don't even know her
Carrie: What? She's Asian! You guys probably have a lot to talk about!
Ern: You're racist

*Caren looking at the Oriental Phoenix menu*
Caren: What the eff? $10 for Vermicelli and some chicken? Damn, someone should have told me it was going to be so expensive! I could have stuffed a chicken my purse.



This Week's Eff You

- The rain
- People that don't cover their mouth while they cough/sneeze
- Men that ask to work 'in between sets' with you at the gym
- Ern's Lulu top because it turns on her headlights without notice..um fog lights
- Not winning The Devil Wears Prada movie tickets :(

Chuck Effing Norris!



Last night Quaniffer told Mitchestine about Chuck Norris. Who is this Chuck Norris? Who cares! Here are 22 Random Facts I bet you didn't know about him!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.


Mitchestine Presents....

The EquAzn - http://www.theequazn.com/



At Mitchestine we strongly support starving artists in Calgary. Although, this artist isn't necessary starving, he does enjoy free styling about his feelings. We met Scotty Mc Beam through an accidental conference e-mail and he's quite a talented young man. Not only does he hate slutty girls at the gym he enjoys red bean slush. Check him out! Mr. Lee will be playing at the Amsterdam Rhino this Friday June 23, 2006.


That's all for now! Stay dry everyone!

Happy Fathers Day!

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Chingaling Reunion
Initial Response re: Fortune Cats
Reasearch in Motion - Outstanding Invoices

Nai Ho Ma!! Happy Fathers Day! (to all of our readers who have legitimate Fathers, of course). Even though it is one of the most beautiful days outside in recent Calgary history, I'm holed up in my room faithfully toiling away at my keyboard! Mitchestine = Love and Committment!

Effing Blogspot is not loading pictures again, so tonights post will be only text! That's right, you can feel

What's New With Mitchestine?
On Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a Double Date with readers Jen and Steve! Indian food!

Ern unfortunately suffered an embarrassing fall in the Bankers Hall +15! Although perhaps the funniest story I have heard in a long time, Ern suffered minor injuries... to her umbrella (which she tried to use to get back up, even though it was a cheap Hello Kitty China Town creation).

Mitchell is trying to figure out what his newest hair style is going to be, and has narrowed it down to the following options. Please submits your votes for:

So due to a hectic work week (and by hectic I mean too many conference emails with Triple Threat), there are sadly very few Quotes for this unfortunate post:

Mitchell tried to introduce Bubble Tea to Julie... it didn't go over well:
Mitchell: What do you think?
Julie: ...thank you for the experience?
Mitchell: You're fired.

Ern (in an email to Mitchell): Can you please me when you get to Banker's Hall?
(I think she meant please call me)

Christina: What happens to a Chinese man when he get's a boner and runs into a wall? He hits his nose.
Everyone: ...

Speaking of Christina, the lovely lady is departing today for CALIFORNIA! She is going there to find herself... and also research how the California Roll was created.

This ridiculous ad was on Perez Hilton today... seriously.

Finally, a very serious Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My Dad caught me online reading your blog, and then grounded me because he said you were the devil. Is this true?

Yours Truly,
Grounded in Greenland

***

Dear Grounded in Greenland,

Rumors have been flying ever since Mitchestine made it big. It's only natural for people to talk about what they love, and the more people talk, the faster the rumor mill churns.

Mitchestine is actually a devout Kabbalist, a religion which has no "Devil". In the rough neigbourhood that Mitchestine lives, to place a "666" over one's doorway. This has no religious affinity, but rather symbolizes the highest grade children in the North East, on average, will statistically reach. Although this is often confused with the Satanic Number, it is simply a sign of neutral gang affiliation.

In closing, your Dad knows too much for his own good.

Most Sincerely,
Mitchestine

That's all! Don't forget to buy the new Nelly Furtado CD tomorrow!

Pink Sock

Recent Subject Lines:
PAP Test;
Memorandum re: Pochacco Fung Ky Financing; and
District Service Lines for Expense Coding.

Hello, Jo san, Jojo, Nei How Ma, Wei Wei, Ho ho, Aloha and Ai Ya everyone! Happy hump day Wednesday. Wow is it just me or is this week going by really slow? Does anyone else feel like munching on their wrist?

I understand everyone is still upset because of the lack of posts last week..but that's life. Which leads me to this week's proverb: To Feen is to Need.




What's new with Mitchestine?

Mitchell might be going camping this weekend and Ern will attempt to cut her own hair after eating some chips and salsa. Oh how do you know when you have Pink Eye?

Mitchestine had a date with the Triple Threats and we had a splendid time. We also learned a bunch of dirty positions that involve punching and blood ie: Pink Sock, Dirty Sanchez, Tony Danza and etc. Also, If you ladies didn't notice we sneaked in a few 'extreme petting' somewhere in between the curry and the Dirty Sanchez jokes. Yes, you guys are all currently carrying Mitchestine's child.

Quotes

Waiter: Does everyone know what they want to drink? How about an expensive bottle of wine?
Mitchell: *giggling* No, everyone here is Asian
Waiter:....

*Waiter puts Karen's plate down*
Karen: I'm going to eat this in 10 seconds

Christina: *snorting*

Cunty Mc Pearls: *Throws Mitchell's drink down*
Mitchell: Thank you very much!
Cunty Mc Pears: Yeah.

Christina: Have you guys heard of the Rotisserie?
Ern: Is that when the guy takes the girl to Swiss Chalet after and say 'Thank You'?


Karen: Don't put too much in your mouth at once or you will want to spit it out (referring to the white tapioca pearls in her fruit cup)
Mitchell: That's what he said!

Ern: Did you have fun tonight?
Mitchell: Yes, I felt like a pimp with all you Asian girls. No wait a tour guide.

Julie: That Mitchell was good letter.
Mitchell:....
Julie: Did I just mix up the words Mitchell and letter?

Kirk: Did you hear the thunder last night?
Ern: Yes! It was scary
Kirk: Ugh you're such a girl *walks away*
Ern: I hate you
Kirk: What?
Ern: Nothing!

*Ern stuffing a salmon sashimi in her mouth*
Brent: Yeah that's attractive

Julie: I don't like it (referring to her very first bubble tea drink)
Mitchell: You're fired!

Scott: Britney's having another baby?!?!
Everyone: Ugh.

Ern: Will you please me at Banker's Hall? (forgetting the word 'meet')
Mitchell: No...

Ern: I hate that jacket, I'm not going to burn it down!
Kitty: I love it! It's warm and soft!
Ern: That's what he said!
Kitty: Ugh. Those jokes aren't funny to me
Ern: :(

What's Emo? (not to be confused with an Emu)

We tend use the word emo just as much as we use the word kitty in this blog. I'm sure everyone has their own definition of emo but to truly determine how emo you are simply take this lame online quiz! Here's a sample of a couple emo questions from the quiz.

At Mitchestine we are quite notorious for smashing hearts to the ground. *Insert Britney's 'Oops I did it again'*

Please feel free to take this fun emo quiz and tell us how emo you are in our comment section! http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=5aff31b8-1734-4839-ad53-52b636ffb8db

Here's another good example of Emo:

Gossip Mossip

I haven't heard one good thing about CNTM except for Mitchell sticking it in Dawn's (the only Calgarian girl that got voted off) little sister. I like to cheer for the under dog and in this season's episode it's clearly the Asian girl. But what is up with the nasty white Barret?

Ugh.

I absolutely love Laguna Beach! I know that there are a lot of Mitchestine/Laguna fans out there, and I'm sure you guys are wondering the exact same thing:

- Why are girls attracted to Jason?
- How are Jessica's boob so damn big?
- Hehe Dieter? Come on!

Anyway, I really enjoy this show and there is no way that this it can all 'real'. It has to be scripted, there is way too much drama on this damn beach! These kids have no idea how lucky they are to live right by the ocean instead they eff around with boys in every episode.

TEAM Kristen! I love her and everything about her. She makes me question my sexuality.

Super Cute Picture of the Week!


Top 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern say "Ugh" in the morning:

- People saying "wow you drink a lot of water" while filling up my 2.2L water bottle.
- The smell of boiled and/or microwaved eggs
- People that simply say 'good' or 'fine' when you ask how they are. I don't really give a damn how you are, but you should ask me back.
- Thanks - what the hell is 'Thanks'?? Say Thank You.
- Any type of racist implied comments.

Good v. Bad Comments

We still aren't 100% sure who left the comment above. However, there has been weird things that happened throughout the week. For example:

- Anonymous Person A calls Mitchell with a creepy voice asking "Why isn't the blog updated?"; and
- Anonymous Person B e-mails Ern and Mitchell stating "someone's gonna die if the blog isn't updated".

Will this anonymous person please step forward?

Mitchell's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, say "Meh" and carry on.

Ern's Rule of Thumb:
When in doubt, Stick It In.

Don't forget to watch Britney's break down tomorrow night (Thursday) everyone!

Have a super weekend, I think there's a full moon out so try to stick it in as much as possible and don't forget to take your no baby pills!

Until Sunday Bitches!

THE POST IS READY!! (Sorry for the effy HTML)

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Initial Public Offering - eBay Inc
Hello Kitty Finance of June/06
Month End Finance Documentation

Happy Sunday Post Mitchestine Readers! Our sincere apologies go out again to all of our faithful readers for the ship-shod postings of late, please know that Mitchestine is back in full swing with Wednesday and Sunday posts. Again, due to the recent problems with Blogspot.com, we have had to go to drastic measures to get these posts to you.

What's new with Mitchestine?
This Tuesday night, Mitchestine is going on a date with some very lucky Mitchestine Readers (you know who you are). On the agenda: Indian Food, Bubble Tea and heavy petting!

On Sunday, I was enjoying a leisurely brunch at the Hyatt Hotel with a good friend, when we decided to head over to Stephen Avenue and TD. Unbeknownst to us, we walked smack dab into the middle of Calgary's Gay Pride parade. Although it's no secret that I'm a big 'mo, I'm definitely not the kind of 'mo that would participate in any way in a Pride Parade. It was terrible and we were pelsted with condoms being thrown out by half naked men dancing on a rainbow float to the techno remix of the Brokeback Mountain Themesong. Ugh.















As Ern mentioned last week, valued Mitchestine reader Chrissy (one of the original readers, she has been dubbed Chrisistine) was visiting Calgary from her hometown of Victoria. We'd like to share these pictures from her visit:































Oh no! She just about dropped Sean Preston!















Ern's boyfriend (Kitty) has been shipped off to some obscure town in Alberta for work. This means Ern is alone, vulnerable, and currently accepting offers!!

If you think you have what it takes to entertain this lovely lady, please forward a three page essay all about how pretty Ern is. Please send your submissions to:















Quotes!

Tiny E: (walking by my office, the door was open): Are you eating again?
Mitchell: Yes, and what business of that is yours?
Tiny E: If you worked in a restaurant you would be so fat.
Mitchell: Please leave.

*Drinking water*
Brent: You know how Crystal drinks water?
Ern: Ugh, I don't care.
Brent: She has a water bottle and pours it into a glass and blah blah blah
Ern: I'm not Crystal...
Brent: Eff just get a glass!
Ern: *continues drinking water*

Kirk: Is that my stuff?
Ern: Nope, it's for another lawyer
Krik: Why are you doing their stuff?
Ern: Meh, why not?
Kirk: You are a good person Ernestine.
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Kirk: Nope, that's a lie. I say nice things to you every day 24/7.

*while purchasing dinner for one at a gas station in Thunder Bay*
Jay: Do you have a bag for that?
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: We usually don't do that, but you seem like a nice guy.
Jay: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Gender Non-Specific Shell Associate: This is the first time I've ever met you.

Kitty: I like this area but I heard it's haunted.
Ern: What area are we in? Is this Mission?
Kitty: Ugh, we're in Bridgeland. This is where Karen lives.
Ern: Oh yes I recognize that Starbucks, that's where Faggy McStarbucks works.
Kitty: Who or what is Faggy McStarbucks?
Ern: :)

*in perhaps the most awkward moment ever between Jay, his boyfriend and I*
Jay: Have you seen how white Mitchell's teeth are?
Jon: *in his signature I-hate-you-and-wish-you-would-just-die tone* Wow...
Mitchell: ...
Jay: ...
Jon: ...

Mitchestine Reader Karen writes in with this helpful tidbit of information on how to keep busy at the office:

"I just wanted to let everyone know that when I used to work at Fortis I would get really sleepy and I would go to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and go to sleep. And if someone was occupying that toilet or if it smelled like poo I'd go to the fourth floor because they had nice smelling soap. Maximum time 5 minutes."

Cute Picture of the Week
Yes, although this is completely random, this photo opportunity just presented itself and I had to share it with you all. This is my dog Atticus, who has just decided to help me update Mitchestine (you can see it on my screen in the background).















Today's EFF You:
My big EFF You goes to Officer Lee, who caught me speeding while driving my sister's car (while Michael Kors was in the shop) on my way to Ern's Birthday Party.














I was going eleven over the limit you ass.

As well, Mitchestine would like to send out one last EFF You to the Anonymous Commenter who wrote this on last weeks Wednesday Post:

Jo San, bitch. About time there was an update. Next time the threats will be in blood.
Thursday, June 08, 2006 10:23:09AM

Mitchestine is all about the love, okay bitches? We only want LOVE in the comments.

Finally, a Shoutout to Mitchestine reader Jay, wh has been shpiped out to Thunder Bay for work, and has sent us pictures of his prison-like hotel room:

BLOGSPOT STILL DOWN!!

JO SAN EVERYONE... BLOGSPOT IS STILL DOWN... I again apologize, and insist that Mitchestine is not being lazy. I spent all afternoon yesterday on a good post, I just can't freaking upload it!! I will persist throughout the day, in the meantime you can enjoy this article written by Mitchestine Reader Melinda. (at Ern's reccommendation, read this twice, it will be funnier the second time around). Enjoy, and thank you for your patience!

***

Jo San, faithful readers. I trust you're all doing well. It occurs to me that some of you might have been offended by my previous piece. Some of you might even think that I'm some sort of racist or culturalist.

My dears, they're both wrong. I don't hate Edmontonians or Northeasterners anymore than I hate any other people. The human population in general holds my disdain. It's not for lack of intelligence or mob mentality or anything else that most people will tell you they hate the human race for. I hate humans because as a species we are not the genetically superior beings on this planet, let alone the galaxy.

I bring to your attention the show Third Rock From The Sun. Quaint name that implies Earth, in it's description of position. In the first episode of this show, Tommy, Dick, Harry, and Sally are sitting in the kitchen, discussing the short comings of their bodies. It turns out that not one of their heads can move in a 360° motion, how are they to clean their backs? Aliens, as many are already aware, are genetically superior. How do we know this? Forget all the intergalactic travel that they have accomplished, they are able to clean their backs with their tongues.

Possession by demons can also create genetic superiority in humans as was displayed in an amusing film known as The Exorcist. Only while Reagan was posessed was she able to spin her head in a fashion that would have allowed to her cleanse her own back. Cleansing of one's own back with their tongue is the mark of genetic superiority?

I can hear some of you asking this, and the answer is yes. It is for this reason that I propose new Supreme Overlords for the planet. But who, you ask, can clean their back with their tongue? Nobody can do that, and I've seen some sick shit on the internet. You're right, nobody can do that. At least not any humans.

Cats, while unable to go the entire 360°, do have the ability to cleanse their backs with their tongues. They're also able to get rid of any hair that they may ingest through this ritual in neat lumps. With such an advanced digestive tract and impressive range of motion, is it any wonder that they were worshipped in Ancient Egypt?

I say let us follow our ancestors and take the cats out of the alley and put them back on the pedestal where they belong.

***

BLOGSPOT.COM SYSTEM OUTAGE

Holla Holla Mitchestine readers! For those keeners checking in on Mitchestine at this time (8:26pm MST) please note that we are experiencing techincal difficulty with Blogspot.com. Sunday's post is complete, however we are not able to post it at this time. We will make every effort to have it up as soon as possible. Stay tuned and thank you for your patience.

Mini Satruday Post

I was talking to my good friend Zabine last night and she had a rather interesting true story to tell me. Since I'm so damn generous I'll share it with the Mitchestine readers.

Enjoy!

Well I got off work at around 11, and hoped on a bus right away, I was babysitting and I had like 2 hours after the child went to bed to drink tea and read etc.. So by the time I got off the bus I had to pee really really badly. My train was coming so I decided to hold it until I got to Chinook because I had about 30 min to wait anyway until the bus came, and in that time I was hoping to find a bathroom.

Well as I am sure some of you know there is a max across the street, and I know that sometimes they are sticky but I was convinced they would understand and I was in such a wonderful cheerful mood. So I went in and asked them if they had a washroom I could use. They said no, so I said I really need to go, I have been holding it for an hour and I’m not sure where else to find a washroom, I also asked if they have one in the back that they use.
They said “it’s out of order” and this is where I kind of got a little teed. I’m not really sure why I think it had something to do with me needing to be really bad and you know a girls gotta go when she starts getting irritable. I asked them “Oh my goodness what are you doing when you need to go to the bathroom if it is out of order, Do you know of anyplace that is open that I could use a washroom at?”

Of course they said no.. And I said “well you must be going somewhere else, either that or you must be REALLY dehydrated if you need to hold it for 8 hours or possibly more..”
So finally I just left, and said “thanks for nothing” but when I got outside I had this urge to just do something really mean. I just paced for a little while feeling this anger boil inside of me. Now I fantasized about going in and casually squatting all over the magazines and letting things flow.. Then blaming them. But I am a wuss I don’t do well in these sorts of situations so I did the next best thing..

I put down my backpack a safe distance away… grabbed a Kleenex from my pocket, and squatted right outside the front door; I even leaned a bit so that urine went streaming down the door. Then I wiped, and rubbed my Kleenex all over the door handle as I opened it. Walked in, threw the Kleenex in the girls face and said “Take a good long look at the puddle I just made outside your door. That’s How badly I had to go, and I hope you realize how humiliating it fucking is when a girl has gotta squat ‘cause the fellow members of her gender can’t show a little empathy..” “You guys are bitches and I hope someone shows the same unkindness that you have shown to me this evening..”'

They said they were calling the cops; I opened the door, jumped over my puddle, picked up my back pack, and pulled hand sanitizer from my other pocket, as I walked away. I contemplated anger management, I thought there was something wrong with me, then as I hoped on my bus and headed home I let it go, just feeling good that I didn’t risk getting a bladder infection.

- Zabine Maherali

This is what I like to call: Bitch's Delight!

Too bad pictures are still down or I would post a cute picture of her peeing.

Pictures Are Down!!

ATTENTION: BLOG OUTAGE

So so sorry for the lack of postings last week, but it's not entirely Mitchestine's fault. Blogspot.com has been down since Monday and we were unable to post anything! Now that it's some-what up and running we can only publish precious material and no pictures! However, I did manage to upload a few of my vacation pictures prior to the outage...so yay for Ern!

Recent Subject Lines:
Fwd: RE: Month End Finance Documentation re Aloha Week

Aloha Aloha Aloha! I'm effing back! Hawaii was awesome! I strongly suggest anyone planning a vacation to go to Honolulu it's amazing. Big Thank You to Tee (a Mitchestine reader that refuses to comment) for all the restaurants/bars/activities recommended! Pictures below!

Speaking of comments Mitchestine received the highest comments ever... Fif effing teen (15!). Thank You Thank You and Thank You! www.mitchestine.blogspot.com is absolutely nothing without your threatening comments. Although, here's a friendly reminder how the Mitchestine take threats seriously:


5. Must be hand written in blood
4. Enclosed with some-sorta birth control
3. A picture of yourself threatening Hello Kitty
2. Writing "stick it in" at least 3 times
1. Sealed with a kiss


What's new with the Mitchestine?

Because of all the complaints last week Old Lady Mitchell has been demoted to Assistant to the Soap Lady. Now this blog is just Ernestine ME ME ME ME......No that's a lie, I think the Mitchestine compliments each other..or maybe Mitchell just compliments me and I reply with a nonchalant "That was the nicest thing you've ever said to me".

Mitchell hung out with Chrissy last week and got a t-shirt that says Chrissy! Very cute!

Ern got a bad sun burn on her scalp - will my hair fall out?

Quotes

*Please Note: Mitchell went AWOL on Wednesday plus Ern wasn't at work on Monday and a result we have a lack of quotes this week.

Brent: How was your trip?
Ern: Awesome!
Brent: I don't believe you
Me: :(

Ern's Mother: You are brown and chubby
Me: :(

Ern yawning
Brent: Yeah..that's attractive

Mitchell: Don't "Thank you for your consideration" me!
Ern: :(

Mitchell: Okay, so I have bad news. I missed you like a rash while you were in Hawaii, but I was SO much more productive at work that it was scary.
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Ern e-mailing Mitchell
Kirk: Are you going to spend all your time sending personal e-mails to Eric Wong?
Ern: Huh? Who's Eric? This e-mail is clearly being sent to Mitchell Fawcett
Kirk: You tell me who Eric Wong is!

So here's the freak quote of the day/week - I was doing squats on the Smith machine at the gym and there was a bench that was about 5 feet away from me.

Some Freak: Are you using this?
Ern: Nope, go right ahead
Freak: Oh I'm not using it I just wanted to move it for you
Ern: It's not bothering me
Freak: I'll move it if you want..
Ern: Yeah I'm good thanks.....

Mitchell's reply to the Freak story: "Freaky McFreak sounds very polite and considerate. You should let him stick it in, but just a little bit."

Top 5

Top 5 random facts about Hawaii

- Japanese people are everywhere
- Sushi is found everywhere; 7-11, Breakfast Buffets and etc.
- Coach is the new Starbucks! There were three boutiques on the street we stayed on
- There are about 97912717 Hip Hip and R&B Radio Stations in Honolulu
- The CHI does nothing for your hair in the Honolulu humidity

Mitchell's Top 5 Favorite Booster Juice Flavors:

5- Very Berry
4- Tropical Tornado
3- Breezy Banana
2- Mango Hurricane
1- Strawberry Sunshine

Lame.

This Week's Eff You

- Ern's sunburn and the blisters that immediately followed
- People with white crusties on the side of their mouth
- Dove deodorant
- Walmart
- Mitchell going AWOL on Ern
- Men that hang kitty stained underwear in their car
- People that respond a half smile when you say Good Morning. Yeah I got a half smile for you too!

Daily Key Points

Mitchestine is ovulating today! - Wednesday June 7, 2006.

Wow the blog kinda sucks without pictures - so here are a few pictures I managed to upload a few pics before the system crashed. ENJOY!







Hanauma Bay



Polynesian Centre



Waikiki Beach




Party on the Cruise



Sunset Cruise

Next blog entry (Sunday night) will be the best blog ever to make up for the lack of postings and this week's half-ass post.

WE LOVE OUR READERS!
REMEMBER THIS BLOG IS NOTHING WITHOUT YOU BITCHES! :)