Aloha Bitches!

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Holla Holla!! It's the beginning of another work week... for everyone except Ern, because she's in Hawaii! Although I'm not exactly sure what part of the beautiful tropical island she is visiting, I think it's somewhere like this:

So Ern won't be back until next weekend, so that means that everyone gets 3 consecutive postings of MITCHELL MITCHELL MITCHELL! I'm going to have to be on hypersensitive eavesdropping mode to make up for all of the quotes that Ern won't be here to contribute. Ern, it's not weird to comment on your own blog if you are in another country! We all miss you and want to know how your trip is going!

In other news, one of Mitchestine's most faithfull and long-time readers Chrissy will be coming out to Calgary for a short visit this weekend!



It's been a couple of tough weeks since America's Next Top Model wrapped up... Wednesday nights just aren't the same, but good news - Canada's Next Top Model starts this week!


Everyone be sure to tune in to the Wednesday posting of Mitchestine for updates, gossip and saucy commentary.

Quote Time!

Kirk: How's it going?
Ern: Good Morning.
Kirk: That doesn't answer my question.

Ern: Just calling to confirm my appointment today
Receptionist: Yep 4:00.
Ern: What is the procedure exactly?
Receptionist: We are going to stick a thousand needles in your arm
Ern: ...
Receptionist: Just kidding! We'll stick about 15.
Ern:...aren't you going to stay just kidding?
Receptionist: No I'm serious, see you then!*click*
Ern:...

Kirk: There are no such things as Asian jokes
Ern: Ugh.

*Bruce picks up my mint box*
Bruce: What the eff? This isn't cheese.

Kirk: What are you doing this weekend?
Ern: Going to Hawaii
Kirk: WHAAAAAT???
Ern: Ugh.

Oh wow, there's not a single quote from me... how sad.

So last week, we read about how Mitchell became a Momo, and today we have the story about how Ern became a fag hag! In Ern's own words:

"This is a true story - when I was in gr6 I had a crush on thisFilipinoguy and we talked on the phone everyday during the summer. One day heasked to watch a movie with me and I was pretty psyched! I wasn'tallowed b/c my mother thought he was going to stick it in so I cried.Anyway then he told me he was a mo and how I was his best friend andhehas boyfriend. His boyfriend was older and let him sit on his lap andthen I cried some more. Yeah and then that's how the life of Fag HagErn started..oh and of course I meat more sweet sweet mos along thewayand helped Jeff prance out of the closet!"

Melinda, our foreign correspondant writes this special piece on the puzzling city that is Edmonton:

I was given this assignment Carte Blanche, roughly translated into Blank Cheque. I can only assume that monetary gratuities are being sent to my current address as we speak. So I will do my best to entertain for this sum of money that is being whisked to me by magical kittens and trolls.

I will start with a Jo San, bitches! Even though it's Sunday evening and you're pooped from a weekend of hard partying and you want to relax, Sixty Minutes style, but without that damn annoying stopwatch.

Fear not, Melinda is here to bring you good tidings of great joy. Edmontonians appear to be getting dumber as the play offs continue. Either that or they're just taking a cue from Ms. Kiki Drunkst and deciding to let it out at more and more inappropriate times.

Question, a reasonable young couple is walking down the street in the direction of city, do they want to be accosted with a giant martini glass and made to "Clink" it? The answer, good and faithful readers, is no.

Unlike the Red Mile, violence abounds on "White Avenue." In one night, not even a series winning game, there were over twenty people arrested in connection with twelve stabbings. As long as Edmonton is attempting to kill off their own, we say let them. Calgary will reign supreme in its fight for provincial dominance once all of the Edmontonians have killed each other for no apparent reason beyond "He was standing too close to me on the street."

To help this along, I dream of a world where alcohol, cigarettes, and guns are available at a drive through window and you can use them all before you get home.

PS. If you're not offended yet, how about this? All midgets are really robots!

Now finally, some fantastic news - Mitchestine is back on Google! Yay! Until Wednesday...

Ern says: I need a big top and small bottom

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Jo Jo Wednesday everyone! Happy Hump la Crunk day! I just want to say a HUGE Thank You to everyone that came to my Surprise Birthday Party last Friday! It couldn't have come at a better time - I was pretty emo from work last week and I was pretty close to munching on my own wrist...

Also - huge thanks to Sonia and Mitchell for my sweet birthday gift! A Lulu Lemon outfit along with Hot Yoga passes! Is this a "we think you're fat" gift? Maybe..I love it!



What's New with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell has been extremely bored at work - to kill time he plays Suduko while listening to smooth Jazz music. To attract attention he pretends his staple is a gun and shoots at anyone that walks by his office PEW PEW!

Ern recovered from her awful E-Coli, Stomach Flu, Forgot to take No Baby Pill pain! Thank You to all the Get Well cards along with the cranberry juice delivered to my door.

Random Birthday Quotes (that Mitchell forgot)

Bitchy Sushi Waitress: I think your party is here
Mitchell: What do they look like?
Waitress: The girl has poofy hair and the guy is about this tall (about this tall is apparently 4 feet)
Mitchell: Yep that's them!

*It was teased bitch!*

Joe: Are you excited about the Bahamas?
Ern: Actually it's Hawaii
Joe: Is it different?
Ern: Yes it's different than the Bahamas. It's Hawaii..

*Everyone taking pictures of Ern and her cake*
Jay: There are so many Asians in here with cameras that it feels like Banff

Jen: something something about MJ
Jay: OMG you did not just say MJ it's Mah Jong!

Jay: How do you play Mah Jong without a computer?

*Waitress brings out sushi boat*
Jen: This is the boat I came on



Jay: Take a picture with your people!
*Our people = Geisha Doll on the TV*

Ern's Mom: Who's VCD is this? *referring to Jay's Asian porn gift* I'm opening it!

Quotes from Ern's Mom after seeing Sunday's post b-day pictures

Mother: Your face is wide
Ern: :(

Mother: Which one is Mitchell?
Ern: :(

Mother: You need to lose 5 pounds on your face
Ern: :(

Mother: Those aren't your teeth - they aren't that white
Ern: :(


Quotes from the Office

Kirk: I like your hair today
Ern: Thanks... *shifty eyes*
Kirk: Aren't you going to say "that is the nicest..."
Ern: NO!

Bruce: Can you pull a bill on file #666 - we should bill this guy before he goes to jail
Ern: That dude that was in your office last week? He was RUDE!
Bruce: Why?
Ern: I said "Hi" and he just stared at me
Bruce: Yeah...well he's going to jail
Ern: Good!

Mitchell: There's a notification on the fax machine, it says the invoice you sent to Nova Chemicals didn't go through.
Julie: Oh I know why! I'm such an idiot.
Mitchell: It says that on there too.

Bruce: Why didn't you check out of that document on Friday?
Ern: I forgot - was Kirk really mad?
Bruce: Yes he wanted to kill someone
Ern: Yeah he does that a lot

Kirk: What the hell is that?
Ern: An Asian Pear
Kirk: That's racist




Julie: Wow, I love your glasses, they make you look so much smarter.
Mitchell: ...
Julie: Uh... they make you look smart... not smarter...
Mitchell: ...
Julie: And older! They make you look smart and older.
Mitchell: That's better.

Carrie: How was HiFi?
Ern: Crappy! Someone made a racist Asian comment so we left
Carrie: Did you stab them with that little knife in your pocket
Ern: You're racist..

Jodi: My cousin got us the sickest bridesmaid's dress! It's tight all over and I can't bend over
Ern: Oh..that's important at weddings
Jodi: Yeah! If you want to have a good time

Ask Mitchestine

Wow this week we have not one but effing three Dear Mitchestine.

Dear Mitchestine,

I am giving birth to my very first baby at the end of June. My life partner and I are excited to enjoy eating the placenta after the baby is born, and was wondering if you have any good recipes?

Sincerely,
Aspiring Placenta Chef

Dear Hungry,

Congratulations on your first baby! Your baby will be born under the Cancer sign. The Cancer sign is known to be very overly sensitive so you eat that placenta good! The Mitchestine has a batch full of recipes but it is recommended to eat the placenta in it's original form for best results. However, if you enjoy any type of Asian cuisine we have the perfect recipe for you!

You will need:

- placenta
- 3 bok choys
- 2 salty thousand year old eggs
- a whole chicken
- 30 grams of truffles; and
- yams (optional)

Chop all the vegetables and peel the duck eggs. Steam all ingredients (excluding chicken and placenta) in a large Asian steamer for about 3-29 hours. When all ingredients are steamed stuff them in the cooked chicken along with the placenta. Pour some soya sauce on it and enjoy!

Love,
Mitchestine



Dear Mitchestine,

I love reading your blog, I tune in every single Sunday and Wednesday. I would love to be able to comment, but I don't know how! Please help!

Yours Truly,
Clueless about Commenting

Dear Dumb Dumb,

Simply click on 'COMMENTS' and click on other or anonymous to leave a comment! We love comments!

Love,
Mitchestine



Dear Mitchestine,

My step father offered to buy me breast implants. Is something fishy about this?

Awaiting your reply,
Flat in Florida

Dear D Flat,

Absolutely not! How dare you question your step father's love! Did you know it's Father's day soon - you get the boob job done and you show it to him on Father's Day.

Love,
Mitchestine



Keep the questions coming! Mitchestine's e-mail is currently pending in progress so please leave any questions in our comments section!

Did You Ever Wonder....

People often ask me (usually my mother) on a daily basis, "Is Mitchell really gay?" "Do you think he's just pretending to be gay and he's really in love with you?" "Will he turn straight tomorrow?". UGH. Mitchell is out and he'll never go back in that dirty straight closet. In fact, when he came out of the closet he was wrapped with a towel that said "I'm Coming Out!".

Anyway, I'm sure you have all wondered how and when this all started. When Mitchell was about 7 years old he was at the Calgary Downtown Public Library aka Bum's Paradise with his father. Somewhere between reading a My Little Pony book and making himself dizzy he found a deck of cards. Not any deck of cards it had pictures of naked WOMEN! Yep he got scared and called his father. Mitchell's dad was outraged and appalled and as a result he stuffed them in a garbage can under three pieces of tissue. Yep true story! So if you ever want to hear Mitchell scream and moan throw a deck of dirty cards at him!



*Next week: "How Ern become a Fag Hag"

Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

Wow, I have honestly stepped out of my office like twice today... that's pretty bad. What's the weather like? Ooh maybe it will be cold/damp enough for me to wear my new jacket tonight. I hope so. Does your firm have any jobs for me? I'm not really sure what I would want to do, but maybe there is an opening for the Director of Fabulosity?

Hmm, enough about Me Me Me... don't homeless people make you sad? There, that was my non-self-centeredness for the day. My Mom would be proud.

That's all for now! Have an awesome week everyone!

You Can't Spell "Wrong" Without "Wong"!

Recent Subject Lines:
Friday Cheque Log - SAN8865JO54
Canadian Agriculture Safety Council - Proposal

Happy Tuesday Everyone!! I was a little confused as to how to do the post due to the long weekend, but I realized that most of our readers are fellow office workers, and as such will be tuning in on Tuesday Morning at the start of their shortened work week. Also, everyone will only have to wait 2 days until they can read Ern's Wednesday Post!!

Let's get to it bitches!

What's new with Mitchestine??
It's been a beautiful weekend, but unfortunately Ern has not been able to really enjoy it. Why? She has Food Poisoning!!

We aren't completely sure where this condition originated, although investigations are currently underway at an undisclosed McDonald's location. As we all know, I had food poisoning just last week, so of course I feel Ern's pain.

Michael Kors is still not back from the dealership. Eff.

In other news, Ern bought custom teeth-whitening trays! Who do you think has whiter teeth?

*Note: Sparkles may or may not have been added to enhance the outcome of this photograph

There have been some rather amusing quotes of late, so let's get to them!

Ern: Ugh..Chubby one is talking about some lady here that looks like a man. I have no idea what the eff he's talking about.
Carrie: Nice..... you need to tell him "That's no man, that's Kirsty Alley"..... obviously he's been watching those Jenny Craig commercials and getting confused.

(I called the Rental Car place and made a reservation with "Truong". When I went in there an Asian guy asked if he could help me.)
Mitchell: Oh, I think I just spoke to you on the phone, are you Truong?
Enterprise Guy: Uhh no, my name is Aidan.

Carrie: Did you see that Asian girl at the elevator with the long black hair and big boobs?
Ern: Umm..was it me?
Carrie: No.
Ern: :(

Trainer at the gym: What's your sign again?
Ern: Gemini.
Trainer: My last 5 girlfriends were Gemini's...I'll never learn.
Ern: Uh huh...*puts on head phones*

Karen (while commenting on Wednesday's Post): I'm confused and I don't know why.

Carrie: So is everything okay now?
Ern: Meh forgive and forget.
Carrie: I can't believe Chubby didn't even do anything about it.
Ern: Yeah Chubby use to be on my side.
Carrie: Chubby needs to be on Jenny Craig's side!

Brent: Have you ever seen the Sound of Music?
Ern: Yes have you?
Brent: No but I know all the songs.
Ern: Name three of them and sing one
Brent: No.

Julie: Is your internot networking?
Mitchell: Ummm did you mean to say "Is your internet not working?"
Julie: Maybe.

Now due to the overwhelming success of last Wednesday's Dear Mitchestine, we have had a huge inflow of letters from readers seeking advice. This brings us to this week's installment of

Dear Mitchestine,

My boyfriend peed on me last night. Is this normal?

Sincerely,
Wondering about Watersports

Dear Wondering about Watersports,

In China when a baby is born the mother drinks the baby's pee because it has a lot of nutrients and vitamins.

Was your boyfriend conscious when he peed on you? If he wasn't then he has what Doctors call a 'medical condition' and that's clearly a REDFLAG so move on honey!

If he did it intentionally well then you just got peed on.

Mitchestine isn't overly familiar with Watersports but if played correctly you can win without getting wet.

Love,
Mitchestine

A large amount of Mitchestine readers were at Sushi Ichiban on Friday night... why, do you ask...?

Yes, the guestlist read like an Oscar After-Party, and was thrown by Yours Truly and Party Planner Extrodinaire Jen! Please enjoy some of the fantastic photography that follows:

Thank you to all who came, and especially to the anonymous Mitchestine reader who presented Ern with the most fantastic gift she could ever ask for:

I think we all know that this special gift will get a lot of use. That's all for today! As always, don't forget to comment!!

Almost long weekend..?

Recent Subject Lines:
FW: Crabby Form UF - Memorandum
Fwd: FW: Symantec Corporation - 2008 Client Account Bid
Fwd: RE: Cinnamoroll Account Expenses re: Towa McOwa

Jo Effing San everyone! Happy hump day everyone! It's almost the long weekend and Mitchestine are going camping! Nope that's a lie.

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Last week's blog entry we discussed about TinyE wanting Mitchell's tapioca pearls. Because Mitchell had food poisoning last week TinyE brought him some congee and duck eggs. How sweet of him! There was a note attached to the the duck eggs that said "Stick it in me!".

Ern is emo.....ugh what's new?

Mitchestine loves Margaret Cho! Here's a wonderful picture of her and a big gay:

Quotes

Voicemail: You have 12 new messages
Kirk: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKK

Bruce: Where were you this weekend?
Kirk: Not here
Bruce: That doesn't answer my question

Mandy: You two are the perfect team, your skills compliment each others so well.
Frank: Yeah, I've got the looks and Mitchell has the brains.
Mitchell: I don't like that.

Frank: (shouting) Thanks!
Mitchell: (shouting back) You're welcome??
Julie: He's on a conference call.
Mitchell: Oh. Why is he shouting?

*Kirk comes walking in with food from Burger King*

Bruce: Burger King!?! Are you high?
Kirk: Ugh
Bruce: Wasn't there a Wendy's?
*Ern giggling*
Bruce: What's so funny? Do you know a lot about getting high and then eating at Burger King?
Ern: No...

Mitchell: What should we have for healthy snack day?
Frank: Donuts!
Mitchell: We are not having donuts.

Bruce: Does Sally not work here anymore?
Ern: Ugh. Sally stopped working here during Christmas or probably before that.

Mitchell: EW!!
Mitchell's Mom: What?
Mitchell: Vivica A. Fox's boob job.
Mitchell's Mom: ...



*Ern reading Pink*

Kirk: Ugh. How does that site benefit your life? Does it change it in anyway?
Ern: Britney is a bad mom.

Brent: Get out of my document!
Ern: It's not yours!
Bruce: Yes it is. I'm going to sell it to a client.
Kirk: Like a sleazy used car salesman

*Ern reading Perez and the sidebar has a bunch of GAY this and that ads*

Kirk: That looks like a good website send me the link
Ern:...

*Talking about our monthly kitty*
Jen: It also reassures me that I'm not with child.

Caren: Some broad is wearing the same dress I am! Who does she think she is?
Ern: I'm sorry to hear that? Do you want me to go stab her?
Caren: Oh you Asians are so violent!

Jay: Hi! I'd like to make a reservation for the patio this evening
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry no reservations.
Jay: Do you know who I am?
Towa Hostess: Umm. Sorry... no.
Jay: :(

*On a side note Jay is now ordering one gillion quail eggs. Take that Towa!

Only in the North East

We often write blurbs about the North East and I'm sure a lot of you are wondering "where is this North East?" Well somewhere between Sunridge Mall, the Leisure Centre, Ern's House, Reef and Beef and Mitchell's house you will find the heart of the North East. We've collaborated a list of REAL scenarios that happened in the North East:

- Michael Kors get broken into :(
- Someone leaves a couch on their lawn with a sign that says 'TAKE ME' and Ern's mom puts it on her lawn with a sign that says '$10.00'
- Mattresses with dirty stains are left on the side of the road
- Grow Ops on every other block (Buy 2 grams get the 3rd gram at half price!)
- A Taxi does some crazy reverse driving
- A random orange Enmax cone in front of Ern's house
- A big empty box in front of Ern's house...
- A suspicious absence of Mormon's going door to door.
- Someone throws an old bed on their front lawn and it stays there so long grass starts to grow over it.
- People fight over abandoned shopping carts
- People burn garbage to cook when they don't have a BBQ

This week's Dear Mitchestine:

Dear Mitchestine,

My husband just told me that he's hungry for homo's... what do I do?

- Straight and Worried.

Dear Straight and Worried:

Good question! You've come to the right place the Momo (Mitchell) and Emo Fag-Hag (Ern) will try our best to help you out. Now before we answer your question you have to understand that Ern is notorious for turning straight men gay ie: Jeff B. no wait that's too obvious we'll call him J. Bryan. What's her secret? Who cares, just keep your husband away from her.

Try a little bit of role-playing in the bedroom. Pretend you are the burly Head Coach of his baseball team and that he is the aspiring athlete who will do ANYTHING to make it in the big leagues. Needless to say, a baseball bat is an important prop.

Just remember that nowadays, who isn't hungry for mo's? I know Mitchestine is! Bon Appetite!

Keep the questions/comments coming!

This week's Eff You

- Mitchell has to pay $250 out of pocket expense to get Michael Kors back :(
- The pimple in Ern's mystery spot
- Crumbs look-a-like at the bottom of Ern and Mitchell's purse
- Completing the Alberta Census form..what the eff?

Well this isn't really an EFF YOU but a WHAT THE EFF?

YES! That's correct! You can pay to 'shower only' in a public facility. Now I'm not sure who wants to shower for $3.10 but the price isn't bad considering you can shower all you want. However you will have to push the 'shower button' every two seconds and I can see how that can get annoying.

Mitchell: Heheh, a true Asian would buy a shower pass and then sneak into the pool.


Daily Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

"I forgot that Monday is SwimDay for Ern. I'm going to take my sisters' car to get washed, poor Donatella is filthy, not like when I was her Daddy."

"I'm not sure what to wear to watch ANTM... maybe a tube top?"

CONGRATULATIONS GHETTO McGAPPY!

YAY! I'm so glad that Danielle won! She's effing beautiful and talented! It's pictures like the one above that prove she has what it takes to be the ANTM Cycle 6 winner. I love her gap and the "in your effing face" attitude. I'm really glad that Jade wasn't in the final two. Also what the hell was up with her Cover Girl commercial? You can't make up random words! This isn't Easy Breezy Beautiful Tranny. Although, Joanie lost I'm 99.9% sure that she will get signed somewhere with some hoidy toidy agency.

I'm not too sure what the Mitchestine are going to gossip about now that ANTM is over. Next week is the beginning of Canada's Next Top Model..ugh that's it - just a simple UGH.

Mitchestine's Proverb of the Week.

"To avoid Sars wear a Sars mask."

Have a SUPER long weekend Bitches!

Gams Gams Gams!

Recent Email Subject Lines:
Incident Report - 12/04/05 #342
Vasos De Agua - Los 8 Contiene

It's Sunday! You can all breathe a sigh of relief, it's time for that twice-weekly fix of pure Mitchestine indulgence.

I'm happy to report that since last Wednesday's post, Mitchestine is now in the top two Google rankings!

Unfortunately, Mitchell was stricken ill with food poisoning from a questionable falafel (Byblos Bakery... never again) and was absent from work on both Thursday and Friday. As such, quotes are limited, but it's quality people... not quantity.

(Ern gives Kirk a monthly lawyer's magazine)
Kirk: Ugh why do they always put old geasers on the cover?
Ern: Because it's a lawyer's magazine.
Kirk: They should put models on here... someone like you.
Ern: That is the nicest thing ANYONE has ever said to me!
Kirk: It's true!

(Mitchell is eating Miso Soup)
Mitchell: Ugh, this is so salty, I don't think I can eat anymore.
Jay: That's what he said.

(While on the dance floor, Shakira starts playing)
Faggy McStarbucks:Is this Whitney Houston?
Ern: Ugh.

Shahir: You smell like Chicklets
Ern: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Hot Asian Homo: You are very pretty.
Ern: That's the nictest thing you have ever said to me.

(As super-trashed Shelly is trying to feel Mitchell up)
Random Homo: Wow, she's all over you... Maybe if you and I made out it would distract her.
Mitchell: Let's not.

Wow... that's all the quotes. Lying in bed in complete agony really puts witty quotes on the bottom of one's list. On that note, today we have quite an illustrious EFF list:
3- Faggy McStarbucks *update, Ern would like to make this an EXTRA Effy Eff*
2- Associated Cab - 30 Minutes late!!
1- PETTY THIEVES who broke into Michael Kors last night!!!
That's right, Michael Kors (my car) was violated last night, while parked in the "safety" of my garage.

Despite attempts to hotwire and actually steal Michael Kors, all they did was cut up the dashboard and steering column leaving it undrivable. The weirdest part is that they left a single Lime Runt on the drivers seat...

Oh wow... this has been a very self centered post so far. Perhaps it's time for one last minute Mitchestine Award:

Most me-me-me Mitchestine Poster

Yes yes, I get the irony of presenting myself an award about being self-centered.

To finish up, don't forget to watch the 2 Hour Season Finale of America's Next Top Model on Wednesday! This Mo's prediction?? We find out that Jade has a wang.

Goodnight!! Keep Commenting!

First Annual Mitchestine Awards!

Recent Subject Lines:
Fwd: Re: USD Investment Accounts - Monthly Online Statement;
Fwd: RE: CalSac - Draft Circular in Motion; and
Fwd: RE: Flowers For You Inc. - Draft Noting in Default

Happy Hump la bump day everyone!! Mitchell called me at roughly 11:30AM on Tuesday morning with a creepy sexual voice telling me we're on GOOGLE! YAY! That's how you know your blog is the shit when you're on Google. However I made a few comments on OfficeTally (their site clearly gets more hits than us) so they pop up as the first two hits. But we're on Google Bitches!



So apparently new comers to the blog *ahem* Kelly, Jenna and Maya find our pictures Creepy. Yep..can't argue there. Keep reading ladies!

Big HUGE thanks to Christina for free/voluntary advertising of the Mitchestine on her CP page!

What's new with the Mitchestine?

Mitchell is being freakishly paranoid lately. He assumes that everyone is buying pot behind his back...including me. Also he went on a bubble tea friend date with a boy we call TinyE (for obvious reasons) and it turned out to be more than he expected. Let's just say that TinyE wanted more than bubble tea...yes he wanted Mitchell's tapioca pearls.

Ern has another ear infection..from the wind! EFF!

Quotes

Bruce: Where's Hungry Hungry?
Ern: I don't know, maybe he went to the washroom
Bruce: Nope that's you

Ern: They finally faxed it over (referring to lazy people that handle incoming faxes)
Kirk: UGH what the eff? They were suppose to send it on Friday..gosh they're a bunch of stoners down there. Don't you EVER do that stuff!
Ern: I won't...
Kirk: I know you're from B.C.
Ern: :(

Bruce: Did you change your hair?
Ern: Nope
Bruce: It looks like it needs to be combed
Ern: It's teased!

Ern: I have this problem where it's hard for me to breathe out of my nose so I have to breathe out of my mouth.
Carrie: OMG how the hell do you eat cereal in the morning?
Ern: Heh..that's not a problem actually.
Carrie: When I get a stuffy nose I practically drown in my cereal

Mitchell: What are you guys doing?
Karrie: Good, how are you?
Mitchell: Uh...

*Brent is sick*
Ern: Are you okay?
Brent: No, I feel like a sack of ass

Kirk: You better still be with me when I make Partner (which is probably in 6-8 years)
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

Kirk: Your hair looks good today
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

*everyone is in their office and I'm at my desk - using our playground voice*

Kirk: Did you ever find me a Bonsai tree?
Ern: No.
Brent: She's not Japanese, she's Vietnamese!
Ern: I'm Chinese!!

Julie: I need to buy some dental floss to keep at my desk.
Mitchell: I hate having to floss.
Julie: You? Mr. Perfect Teeth??
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Julie: Jackson (her fiancé) told me he thought you had really nice teeth too.
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing Jackson has ever said about me.
Julie: That's the only thing Jackson has ever said about you.

This isn't a quote but someone just said "Aiya" in a very Chinese way...this person isn't Chinese.

Mitchell: Your blog entries (Wednesdays) are always better than mine (Sundays)
Ern: That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me

Top 5

Top 5 things that makes Ern miffy in the morning:

- Ern doesn't get a seat on the c-train
- A full grown man is sitting on the c-train and should be offering his seat to Ern
- People that cough or sneeze on the c-train
- Men that walk in the elevator before Ern
- No one compliments on Ern's hair, skirt and etc.



This week's Eff You

- The windy weather..what the eff?
- Ern's "where the eff is my raise?"

Daily Momo Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell

"OH MY GOSH I need to you (Ern) to mail me something, I don't care what it is, as long as it's a really big box. SSD (sexy shuttle driver) brought down a big box for someone else, so I want him to deliver something to me and then he can bend over in my office in front of me. FYI if your boss ever asks you do bring them a big box, that's exactly what they want."

"Eff, people keep bringing me bad food! Someone bought me a Slurpee, then someone else brought in Cookies by George. "

ANTM Gossip Mossip!

So tall and awkward, Sarah, got voted off - I personally didn't even notice her until this week's episode. How many times does Jade say "I'm a threat" in one episode? I hate to say this but I really think Jade might win. Hmm.. a Tranny in high fashion I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think I like it.

Kitty's 2CENTS on Mr.K-Fed

Now that Britney officially announced that she's prego again. A Mitchestine reader that claims he "doesn't read our blog" has two cents about The Speaderlines. Kitty claims that the reason Britney first dated Kevin was because he was the first and only person that gave her an orgasm. Yep you heard it first here on Mitchestine. Kitty (our very heterosexual Asian) claims that Justin Timberlake clearly has no game and probably never even got Britney close to climax. Also, when they first started dating Britney was very intimidated by Kevin's dirtiness and decided to let him stick it in her and popped baby Preston 9 months later. All that for an orgasm...

What do you guys think??

Mitchestine Awards!

Jeremy - Most overly sensitive reader

Chrissy - Longest/Most Faithful Reader

Angy - Keeping us on toes with sincere yet threatening comments

Christina - Longest comments; possibly our biggest fan?

Jeff - Secretly hates us, but still reads anyway

Karen - Biggest ANTM fan!

Amar - Does he even read it?

As a Mitchestine Award winner everyone gets a 5$ Gift Certificate to the Cecil aka The Murder/Suicide Bar. See you all there!

HOW TO CLAIM PRIZE: Simply approach the crack dealer standing in front of the Cecil on Thursday nights at approximately 9:45PM. The code word is Kitty.

10,000 Feet

Happy Sunday everyone! Don't forget to watch Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy! As most of you were aware, I went Skydiving on Saturday. Since it was such an effing terrifying experience, I'd like to share it with everyone right off the bat.

To start off, these are the tiny ass little planes we went in. Yeah, forget nice, large stable aircrafts that you see in the movies. These are rickety little things that fly like a piece of newspaper.

The brave souls that plummitted 10,000 feet.

This me with Carolyn, all suited up! (check out my package!)

Ursala and I went together on the same jump, this is her looking absolutely terrified as nothing but 8mm's of flimsy metal hold us up in the air.

After a 35 second free fall, your chute deploys and you are dangling mid-air looking at this.

Coming in for the landing...

My feet are never leaving the ground again... ever.

Alright, so enough of that me me me. I know you are all here for quotes...

Recent Subject Lines:

San Jo Memorandum re: Work-it-Out Costs

San Jomo Transaction - Form 81(D) Update

Julie: I think my head is pointy.
Mitchell: I didn't notice, I don't really notice the shape of anyone's head,not even mine.
Julie: Yeah you have a really normal shaped head.
Mitchell: That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Julie: What? How is that the nicest thing I've ever said to you? I'm sure I must have said nicer things to you in the time we've known eachother.

*drinking water from my huge water bottle*
Kirk: You are effing crazzzzzyyyy
Ern: :*(

Dude at the gym: Don't drop your discman again
Ern: Excuse me...?
Dude: Yeah you dropped it yesterday it was loud
Ern: Oh yeah...I didn't know anyone was watching.
Dude: I was
Ern: ....

(That's right, Ern still uses a Discman)

That's it for the Sunday post, but everyone be sure to comment! On Wednesday's post we will be having the first ever Mitchestine Comment Awards!

Extra Special Thursday Post!

That's right readers. Although Mitchestine is now only posted on Wednesdays and Sundays, special foreign correspondant Melinda Hinman (Mitchindastine) writes from Boston, MA with this editorial piece on the decline of the American Dollar. Enjoy.


Recently there has been much discussion of the decline of the American Dollar. Is it, as has been much publicized, the second term of George W that is bringing the dollar to an almost staggering $1.10? Is it the war on terrorism, which continues to fuel the nation's debt? I'm sure many intellectual propaganda machines will tell you that it is. Here at Mitchestine, we're devoted to the truth. And the truth is that it's the Northeastern Accent. You all know it, you watch Regis and Kelly like it's words from the mouth of God.

Cah. What is a cah, you ask, intelligent reader of this blog. Ruf. What is a ruf? It seems that in it's advanced age, the Northeastern part of the United States has gotten lazy. They leave off letters in their speech, the most pronounced letter that is dropped off being the letter R. Cah, for those of you that haven't figured it out, is a car to Northeasterners.

Perhaps it's that people don't want to invest in a country where half the population is almost unintelligible in speech [and for once, I'm not talking about rappers and balers that listen to rap.] Perhaps it's because they try to call to invest, and simply cannot complete the transaction. The only thing that's certain, is that letting the Northeast control the country makes as much sense as letting Flavor Flav have his own reality show.

It's impossible to tell at this early stage of hypothesis what the exact correlation between this accent and the steep decline of the American Dollar is, only that there is one.

Dashboard Confessional is coming to Calgary - July 7, 2006

Recent Subject Lines:
Crabs Mc Pussy Willow Transaction;
Fortune 500 - Annual reports; and
Due Diligence Report - L Nasoj & Associates

Jo effing Wednesday everyone! Happy hump hump I like to hump day! Wow our highest comments ever! Five (5)!! Thank you everyone for reading the Mitchestine! *Please note that Mitchestine will only be updating twice a week; Wednesdays and Sundays.

Does everyone know that Dashboard Confessional (Ern's favourite band) is coming to Calgary?

Ern: If I don't see Dashboard Confessional I will stab myself in the eye

Although, Mitchestine doesn't give a rat's ass about hockey- it's a sad sad day in Calgary :(

There's a new show on the W network called 'You are what you Eat". The show keeps track of overweight individual's diet and at the end of the week they place everything that they've eaten on a huge dining table. Miitchell and I wondered what would be on our table if they did a show on us...

Mitchell:

- salad
- kitty
- cranberries
- green tea
- tapioca pearls
- apple sauce
- East Indian food

Ern:

- tuna
- cottage cheese
- kitty
- green tea
- grapefruits
- protein powder
- lychee jelly
- fibre 1 cereal

The last few days have been GREAT for quotes...do people get funnier after the rain? Maybe.

Quotes!

Kirk: How's it going?
Ern: Good just filing
Kirk: I see you're wearing contacts today
Ern: Yes
Kirk: Very nice

Mitchell: I think this block code has already been used, I can't load the rate
Julie: Oh for Eff's Sake!

Kirk: how's the purse?
Ern: Her name is Gloria pronounced Glooooooooooriiiaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kirk: Don't let anyone touch it
Ern: I won't

*Ern is eating a sandwich while entering Bruce's time sheet. She has 20minutes until the program shuts down!*

Bruce: What the hell? This isn't sandwich time! It's crunch time, enter those time girl!
Ern: I'm multi-tasking
Bruce: You're sure milking the over time, good work.

Mandy: I've ordered a whole bunch of those logo'd stress balls, but they are a week late.
Mitchell: You sound stressed.

Kevin: My pants keep falling down today
Mitchell: That's sexual harassment

Ern's Mom: Come on, just one more round of Mah Jong!
Mitchell's Mom: No! I'm tired.

Trainer at the gym: You're doing your dips wrong
Ern: Excuse me?!?
Trainer: Yeah your triceps dips, let me show you *shows me how to do a proper triceps dip*
Ern: Wow thanks!

Lisa: My practicum student doesn't wear makeup, how the hell am I suppose to mentor someone that needs makeup and doesn't wear any?

Sandy: This bride doesn't want any Rye & Cokes at her wedding this weekend.
Jan: My guests would be so mad if I didn't serve those at my wedding.
Mitchell: Yeah, they would probably start a Rye-it.

Julie: Hi Sandy!
Sandy: Shuttup Julie.

*Ern is looking at Gucci purses online*

Bruce: What the eff? Are you looking at purses?
Ern: Yes....
Bruce: How's your purse?
Ern: Great! I named her Gloria
Bruce: I thought it was Coach
Ern: It's both..
Brandon: You're crazy

Ern's Mom: Don't make me ask you twice
Mitchell's Mom: Okay one more round.

Carrie: Ugh this purse is so ugly but I'm having ugly-duck syndrome. You know when you buy something because you feel bad for it. Do you know what I mean?
Ern: Umm..no

Ern: When are you going to bring the baby in?
Bruce: Never, this place is too quiet for a baby
Ern: Oh is she a screamer?
Bruce: That's a personal question

Jen: I like going to your house b/c your mom calls me "pretty girl" that is the only reason we have maintained our frienship, she is the foundation. By the way you are not allowed to come over ever again! My mom's always like, you should work out, look how skinny Ernestine is, you're so fat. Your mother is the foundation and my mother is our demise. THE END.


Mitchell's Mom: Okay, it's 3 in the morning, can we please stop?
Ern's Mom: Quitter.

Brent: It's okay English isn't your first language
Ern: Actually it is, and you're a racist.


Top 5

TOP 5 ways to know it's spring/summer:

- Ern breaks out in hives every 10 minutes
- Ern wears short short skirts
- Ern always has a flower in her hair
- Mitchell wears short short skirts
- Those white fluffy white things appear.

This week's Eff You!

- Ern's hives..
- Mitchell's awkwardly shaped room
- The weather



Momo Ramblings from Old Lady Mitchell:

I'm an idiot today. I just keep flubbing up on the phone. Just now I called someone name Melinda "Shawna", then I called someone named Rob "Roy" (or was it the other way around? I don't even know). Before that I effed up three times trying to transfer someone, then I picked up the phone and totally blanked. I was like "Thanks.... calling....RADISSON"

I'm not sure if fascinating is the way to describe him though... I would die if I went bald. That would be terrible. I never take my hair for granted though, I'm very good to it. Wow that's going on the Mitchell's Momo Ramblings.

ATTENTION: ANTM Spoilers!

How the eff is Tranny Mc Jade still on the show? Ugh. Is it just me or does her skin get lighter every episode? It's about time Furonda McMantis got voted off! She has a body of a 12 year old boy...no wait 7. I'm officially cheering for Joanie and Ghetto Miss Danielle and her gappity gap! I like her ghetto-ness it reminds me of the people in the North East.

Everyone watch The Office tomorrow night!

Hookah Bitches!!